Love’s Mirror – The Philosophy of Separation

24.09.2023

All relationships end in separation. Either through death or self-imposed and chosen separation.

What philosophical questions can we ask of chosen separation? How can what was one have become two? What was united have become fragmented? But, then again, is this true, is there a real fragmentation? Or just the illusion of one? The questions are important because unity is one of the great goals not only of love, but also of human civilisation, something yet to be achieved. And the question is also important because in the modern world we live fragmented lives – there are more single people now than ever, separated from each other and from love.

I want to focus on the type of relationship that ends in anger and the parties no longer remain on speaking terms. Let us focus on a scenario where the one in a rage tells the other never to communicate with them ever again. Here is a photograph I took years ago to illustrate this situation.

There is the person begging for forgiveness with the hands joined together. There is the person that tells them that they can’t talk any more. And there is the person that closes up their ears so that they can no longer listen to the one that appeals the judgement of hate.

Now, at first glance, it appears as though the angry one has imposed silence and separation onto the other person. This seems like an expression of power and autonomy. There doesn’t seem to be any reciprocity or mirroring of the other person involved. It seems like a command from above imposed on someone who has to adopt an inferior position.

But let’s think about it for a minute. Because, in fact, the one trying to impose the silence is also subject to this order. They cannot speak either. Otherwise this would break the silence. They also cannot listen to their former lover’s words, those lovers that are desperate to hear their voice.

The one that is supposedly in the powerful position is merely mirroring the position of the one in the supposedly inferior position. This follows the mirroring of love where one party mirrors the other one and they become mirrors for each other, which is what happens in love. There is no winner and loser in love. Love always wins.

And notice that separation creates a community bonded by love – a silent, deaf and dumb community. Each one exactly alike, a twin, a clone, a mirror-image. Which also shares that nauseating, devouring, colossal pain which is caused by rejection and which the final anger merely masks.

Again, it is noteworthy that the silence imposed, which seems spontaneous, and the product of free will and choice, merely mirrors the silence in the relationship before, when words were not exchanged about real feelings and so silent resentment would slowly erupt into being, modelled on the silence on the relationship and its implicit assumptions (and misunderstandings).

Today, when I was going to sit on the tube, I noticed a very attractive red headed woman staring at me. I didn’t look back – the periphery of my vision is very good. I didn’t need to. She kept on looking at me while I sat back listening to my headphones. I rubbed my nose. Suddenly, she rubbed her nose as well, right after I did. Attraction and love are based on mirroring. And so is separation.

Perhaps you’re thinking you can escape separation and love’s mirror? To do so would be to talk. And then the other, if they loved the other person, would talk back. But once again, we fall into the culture of mirroring and reciprocity. The mirror structures our relationships and our loves.