Diary Begins Again; How to Get Better; Pineapple Studios

31.01.2024

Yesterday was a bad day. A really bad day. I thought about giving up on everything. I couldn’t sleep all night. Today was bad all day with the wrenching in the gut, but then it improved towards the end and now I feel fine – fairly normal for me. I will tell you how I got better in a second. If you know my personality by now, you will have already guessed. I have already told you that there is only one cure.

I am resting again this evening. I am trying to make sure things don’t get worse.

I am never around Girl 1. In that context, we are never together. I never see her. She is basically out of my life. I don’t need to leave that context like I was thinking of yesterday so I can have a break from her. She doesn’t care for me. She told me that she didn’t know me the first time I asked her out a year ago (after talking with her for six months) and I haven’t progressed since then. We are not dating. We are not friends. All I have to say is hello and goodbye. And maybe polite and impersonal formalities if I ever do have to talk to her. That is not too hard to do.

The whole time I have been writing this diary, I have been hoping that either Girl 1 or Girl 2 (right at the beginning in September) would be reading it. This is what the problem is. So the diary is going to be a reboot now. I don’t know who reads this diary apart from one man. And I don’t want to know who else is reading it. I care too much about what Girl 1 thinks. She is never going to be with me. She didn’t say it out loud, but that is what it is. Any time I think about us being together, that there is any hope whatsoever, I have to stop myself doing it. Daydreams are not harmless when you can’t breathe, are choking, when your stomach is all clenched up with a horrible feeling and you can only think about her.

What they ask you to do when they don’t return your love is to kill your love. Do you know how unnatural it is to kill your love? Every part of your body and mind wants connection with them and you have to force yourself to stop that happening when every instinct and behaviour is programmed to make it happen. It is not me that is at fault for having natural feelings that are not finding their destination and expression.

Over the past two years, I have asked out just three women (and tried it on with one woman at an event just because she was there basically). That is rubbish. It is the wrong way to go about things. I have been operating under the conditions of monogamy: find someone you have a connection with over a period of time and then go for them. That is not working. Because when they say no, it is horrible. So, the thing now is to go after women that I have no connection with and I don’t know particularly well. Because you don’t care about them, it doesn’t hurt so bad. I’m just going to go after the ones I think are good looking. Who can judge me? I did it the right way first. That is not working and it is too risky for me, given the consequences if things don’t work out.

So, I have decided to start going to events in the evenings and to join Pineapple Dance studios for dance classes as well. It is right next to one of the places that I work. Hopefully I will meet someone there – and they will not be at work so they should actually be relaxed and have time to talk to you and there won’t be so many obstructions and difficulties in the way for getting to know them. I have to change my personality and my strategy. And besides which, those women in the dance studio are going to be fit, positive and active, not tired and moody like they are at work with headaches and health issues all the time. They are going to be more like me with my body type and libido – athletes.

So you’re probably wondering how I got better all of a sudden. I realised once again that I am good looking and attractive to some very, very good looking women. There was that booty call on the dating app the other day (no comment still about what happened with that) from someone who was absolutely amazing looking and then today it was the same thing on the Tube when I was catching glances at a beautiful brunette with blue eyes and she was looking over at me as well. She actually got off at the stop where I live – I might even see her again. I might even talk to her. All you need is an excuse.

And before that, I had a long conversation with someone in a context that talks Hindi. I only hurt in English. That’s the language I talked to her in. In Hindi, talking to someone that actually accepts you for who you are – even if they are of a different religion and country to you – someone that doesn’t judge you and find you wanting, you don’t feel bad. And I was also able to joke around with one of the kind young women at work after that, which always makes me feel better too. When I got home, I also did something that always makes me feel good about myself. I got flowers for me and my mother.

So that is how you get better. You just have to forget that you are not wanted or accepted by someone that you love – or let’s say loved so that I can move on. You make plans to move on and find hope again because you see how others see you through their eyes. You find confidence in yourself again even though you have been rejected. Maybe I will keep on getting the symptoms for a while. But at the moment it feels like it is all going to be okay this time now. It is the New Year after all. It is the time for possibilities and the time for change. I am a man. I can chase. I am a risk taker. I can take the risk. With her, I took a risk on my health and my life. It resulted in some bad times, but that is life. She was worth it for me at that time. Now I know she doesn’t want me, I have to forget about her. It is not a question of loyalty – what is that loyalty going to do for me? It will ruin my life. There is no hope with her. I just have to keep on telling myself that.

The Body’s Treachery

30.01.2024

I am taking this whole evening off to relax and recover. Today, I became dizzy and almost fell over. If I had fallen over there, I would have hurt myself and caused a problem.

It is the shock. One conversation and perhaps nothing might have happened. It was the second one coming on top of the other one. It was the suddenness of it.

So now all the symptoms have come back with a vengeance. Everything except the cough.

I have been through disappointments. Everyone has. Before, it has always been okay. Do you think this weird fucked up stuff has happened to me that much before? It hasn’t. The problem is that now the coping mechanism has become messed up because it was three major ones in a row: Girl 1 – Girl 2 – Girl 1 again. And what Girl 2 did.

In terms of chronology Girl 1 is the third woman I have ever been genuinely, deeply and certainly in love with. The first love, when it ended, I didn’t get any symptoms as far as I can remember, although it took a very long time to recover from it psychologically. The second love caused a massive disruption to my life and health because my grandparents died while I was trying to cope with the disappointment. That took a very long time to come back from.

This third love is not as bad as the second love. Because no one has died. But it has been since last year that this story has been developing and not feeling good.

Last year, when I was rejected, there were no symptoms. I avoided her. I completely controlled myself around her. I tried to move on and escape from her hold over me. I was almost successful – I got 99% of the way there.

The hold is that I care about what she thinks about me. I have to stop caring. That’s the only way forward.

These symptoms have been recurring since September 2023 when the episode with Girl 2 happened. I thought I was finally getting better this month. I keep on thinking it is over and the symptoms aren’t going away.

I know that nobody can cure the symptoms. It is just going to take time like last time when the rejections coupled with the deaths fucked up the coping mechanism. My strategy this time was to move on straight away and not mope around like last time. The problem is that now I only know one candidate that is free. But even she doesn’t want what I want, so that is not an option. Online, there are only fraudsters that reply to potential matches (and one booty call – no further information on that one to be given here – because it is no one’s business whether I did or not). So, I am stuck. And that is the only cure.

You look at this body and how it is controlled by the unconscious. Rationally, I tell myself there are 3.5 billion women in the world. At least 0.2 billion would be ones that I am interested in. Rationally, I tell myself that everything is fine. It doesn’t matter that much. Other people have bigger problems in life. There are so many other people that make up your life. I’ve always been happy to be by myself. Some of them, I was actually relieved that it ended and I didn’t have to break it off myself. But because of what happened the last time with the second love and the deaths and how much it took to recover from, the body has gone into distress mode, unconscious fear of what’s going to happen. The body and the mind are traitors. You can’t control the unconscious, however much you try, the treachery of the body. I didn’t expect any of this to happen. I figured this wouldn’t happen again and I didn’t have to defend myself. But it has happened now.

All I’m hoping is that it is just today and everything will be okay tomorrow. That’s what you have to tell yourself every night.

And for all those reading and spending time with me – even my companions of the night – I think this might be my last diary post. I have never kept a diary this long before. I have never shared my diary with anyone. This was an experiment which has taken up a lot of time and effort. Initially, the diary was a letter. I took the idea from a film. I have tried to be as honest as possible. I thought the road to recovery was going to be short. It has not been. What else is there left to say? Everything is over.

Holiday; Walk with a Friend; Ego Boost; Art History; Natural History Museum

29.01.2024

When I was doing my PhD over years and years and was a lowly and ethnic minority student unfit for the regard of any woman (apparently), I used to draw many women on my tablet. Now, I hardly ever do. But even then, I was surrounded and outnumbered by women. But back then, I had my research and I thought I would meet someone suitable after it when I had a job and was earning money. So the woman of the dream was important. Because those women that didn’t even look at you when you had nothing were not the type of women that I wanted in my life. I remember one that I met somewhere. She was talking to me for about ten minutes and then when she asked me what I did and I said I was a student, she straight away turned her heels on me and walked away from me.

If anyone knew all the things that have gotten in the way they would understand why I talk about bad luck so much – culture, deaths, sickness, study without pay, unemployment. Now? Misunderstanding. Duty. Fear. Culture. Racism.

‘No matter how bad life gets, no matter what happens, it will always get worse.’ These were the words of my Ukrainian artist friend when the war broke out and she had to flee the country. Those were the words I remembered when I sat down to write this diary after a shave. The worst thing that could happen happens. That is life.

Still, we live. Or rather, we exist. In the aftermath of events. Punjabi people know how to survive. We have strong hearts, even though there is a history of women in my family that didn’t have hearts strong enough to take it. But I am not a woman, I am a man. The Tiger.

Today was a holiday from work. I stayed in bed very late and it was lucky that I had an appointment with someone in the morning because there wasn’t the motivation to get up. More and more, recently, I have started thinking to myself that there is no point going into work seven days a week and then spending most of my free time volunteering. I don’t care about the money that much. The purpose for which I’m earning – the family – is not happening and doesn’t look likely. In the industry I’m in, it doesn’t matter how hard you work if a promotion comes up either.

So, in the morning, I went on a walk with my friend around the park. We talked about all the stuff that has been happening. He is an understanding person – everyone knows about these types of things and how it is in this world.

I was planning a drink with a friend in the evening but she has fallen ill, unfortunately. So I changed my plans.

I studied art history in the morning. My brain has changed. It is becoming easier and easier and I am able to do it faster and faster. It almost doesn’t take any time any more. I’ve always been quick in terms of thinking and the ability to generate ideas but it appears that I have become even quicker after all the years of studying and developing my mind. So that was the first ego boost – knowing that I have changed how I can see and that my visual intelligence has gone up.

The second major ego boost was something a little bit too indelicate to talk about here. It happened after a minor ego boost when I saw my photograph which someone took of me in the Natural History Museum where I went to on my break. I’d already looked at the photograph and thought to myself that I didn’t look that bad really. People forget the first impression I make on some people because they work with me every day – enough said about that. I will leave the rest to the imagination about the major ego boost.

I checked out the Wildlife Photographer of the Year Award at the Natural History Museum which was pretty amazing. So many talented photographers out there doing good and even noble work.

You know, I needed her. She had life within her that I wanted for me and the future. But the problem was that she didn’t need me. Why would she? None of them do. They can just snap their fingers and, obviously, they can get a line of men after them just like that, straight away. There is no symmetry or balance or equality. The power is all on one side. It is their moment of power.

The other problem is that I am notoriously stubborn and persistent in everything that I do. I am supposed to give up because of the situation, but I am not used to giving up. Even when I go into a different field, I still do the same things I have always done. So how does someone that can’t quit learn how to quit? The complete avoidance strategy wasn’t acceptable. So what now?

I hate these games and here I am playing these games. And this game has no result for me that I want. But isn’t this the human condition? You are playing the game that you don’t want to play. The game has no result. Again, it is the condition of Sisyphus. It is always going to be the condition of Sisyphus rolling that boulder up the hill only to watch it fall down again. Sisyphus moronically, insistently keeps on pushing the boulder. He is strong. His strength is being expended in what is pointless. He is the game of the gods. No destination and no satisfaction. Why can’t he quit pushing that boulder? What is it that makes him do it over and over again, the compulsion? If anyone knew the answer to that, none of us would be Sisyphus. This is the mystery of the myth, the unknowable navel of the dream. People keep on saying forget about the future and the children. I have vowed on my head that I will make it happen. The only way this game is going to finish is when that child comes out of the womb and is old enough to contribute the way that I want them to and doesn’t NEED the mother any more. Duty is life. Suffering is life. Such is life. And – why lie? Why conceal it? – I want the happiness of having a woman for me to talk to, hold, love and care for.

The Film Watcher; Alone Time; Memory Places of Hurt; Secret Dislike

28.01.2024

the brightly coloured bird

the one with the sweet voice

she flies from my hand

which moved to hold her

in the grasped hand

there is an air contained

i held it to my ear

and listened

the bird leaves a signature

on the wind

the wind comes

and the air is also

flying from my hand

the first mistake

was to look at the bird

the second mistake

was to desire the bird

and the third mistake

was to taste the madness

of the love of the bird

because birds don’t love you back

they love ________________

So that is two places now to remember the nausea and hurt in the stomach. The body and mind won’t let it go. You keep the pain. It is mixed in with the other memories, the good ones. But it only comes for a few minutes.

Sleepless nights and skipped breakfasts this week. Two related events struck me like lightning. Two conversations. Not for the diary.

Sometimes, I think how wonderful it would be if you didn’t have to talk to anyone. If you were in solitary in the jail. Just alone with your own thoughts. No hopes or expectations from anyone. Not having to play the games. Maybe even on a desert island by yourself. So, today, I was in a lot of positions where there was no one to talk to. And, actually, it was fine. I’ve always been able to cope by myself. I spend a lot of time alone. I used to work there to talk to people – it was a big motivation. After everything that’s happened, after what I’ve been told recently (not today) is happening now (a rumour), after all the change, it is not as important as it once was. If I had got what I wanted, it would have all been different. But this is today. Maybe it was just a bad day.

In life, you just have to cope with the fact that you can be super attractive in one culture. And be completely undesirable in another. You can’t change that. You might be handsome in one culture and be someone to be avoided in another. You might be charming and funny and interesting in one culture, over the top in the other. You might do everything right in one culture – everything that is expected of you. And in the other culture, you are to be avoided because what you are doing is not what everyone else is doing. In one culture, you are the person that all the women want to talk to and be with. In the other culture, whoever is around you that is from their culture and not yours is the one that women want to talk to and be with. Such is life.

I was telling someone somewhere that there is someone that I don’t like there (remember, I work and volunteer in seven different contexts and have a life outside that as well, for all of those people quick to jump to conclusions). And when I say I don’t like them, I mean I really despise them for how they act and acted in the past. I didn’t mention the name. I don’t say names like that. And you know what? Nobody noticed that I don’t like this person. Nobody ever knows anything about me or what I am thinking unless I say it or write it down in this diary. Except for the one closest to me. My mother can tell exactly what I am thinking whenever I am thinking it. Because she is the one that loves me the most and understands me.

I watched the film ‘Raja Babu’ (King Gentleman) again. I keep on thinking about that film. It is supposed to be a comedy but it is really really dark. The plot is that an uneducated man loves an educated woman in the village. She rejects him and insults his father, saying he is worthless. The man has to forget about her for his father’s honour because he finds out he is adopted and his parents treated him like a king anyway, despite not being of the blood. The woman finds her love again for him after she rebuffs the uneducated man and then they are finally together and all is forgiven.

Themes in the film that were repeated – threats of suicide because of not being able to be with the one you love; the love of movies and watching them; the reality of living your life as a film addict that learns about the world through films; the breakdown of the family; the arrogance and disrespect of ‘education’ for the Indian family structure and the elders; the duty towards your parents and their honour, etc.

Why is this film having such a big impact on me? It is better not to say here. I know the reason. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that I share all of my private thoughts in this diary. This diary is public and it is heavily censored. Whatever you think is going on is the tip of the iceberg. I am a very complicated human being. We all are.

But back to the point. What I forgot about the movie is that the uneducated man is spoilt by his doting mother. If you ever watch that movie, you will learn what the love of an Indian village woman is for her son. You will learn how I was raised by my mother with absolute love – a love which is not possible for people that are not Indian village women. She feeds her grown son with her hands. She stands over him at the dinner table to make sure that his meal is perfect. Anything that he wants, she gets for him. If anyone ever says anything about him, she becomes the warrior goddess. Anyone tries to take anything of his, she will fight with her last breath. She will forget about her marriage, her home, everything so that her son has what he wants and is happy. All she does is worry about him and that she might be separated from her son. That love of an Indian village woman has protected me throughout my whole life, no matter what. If there is a perfect mother, that is who she is.

Hugs, Orpheus; First Month of the New Year; Why I am The Tiger

27.01.2024

Diary views have gone up again for the third day in a row. What is the interest for all of the people reading?

It has been a whole month in the year. I have achieved a few new things. I went to an event and talked to someone. I applied for a new job. I joined a new volunteering place. I have started two important writing projects that will get some exposure. I have started up exercise and weights again in the mornings. I have even forced myself to start making art again even though I don’t feel like it.

Even for her, who I was never going to look at, talk to or interact with ever again, I have done what she wanted so she just gets everything her way and wins in everything. I am not a sore loser. What I asked her for, for some reason she couldn’t give me. That is life (that is my new catchphrase, taken from the ‘Such is Life’ discussion in John Wick 4 – it’s what a person going to be executed said about his experience when asked about it). At least one person should be happy in life. And it is women’s choice in this country anyway. Why should everyone suffer?

You know why I am the Tiger? The tiger is known for his strength, ferocity, aggression and the ability to kill and maim. The tiger is the king of the jungle. No one can beat the tiger. I have arguments with people every day about how I live my life and what choices I have made. I can fight against the whole world. I don’t care. No one ever beats me in words, no one can persuade me, no one can make me deviate from the path I have chosen. The tiger is capable of fighting alone, hunting alone, living alone. But the tiger is also known for having a big heart. The Punjabi community, the community of tigers, have the biggest hearts in the world. We are known for it and it is our boast. Other people can’t take an argument like me, they can’t last. It hurts their peace of mind too much. So for them, I keep my mouth closed. The tiger only hurts others and fights if he has to. That is the meaning of being powerful and strong. Having control, discipline and empathy. Sometimes, it doesn’t matter who is right or wrong. It is the relationship that you have that matters. Everyone has their own path in life, their own meaning, their own belief, their own way to their destinations.

In the morning, the simple woman that gets on the bus with me all the time – wherever I am – started approaching me. I lifted off my headphones – I listen to a lot of Hindi film music. She asked me if I loved her. I said the same thing I say to her all the time: ‘Everyone loves you’. Why not? She is a nice person even if she is eccentric and invades your space. She asked me where my family was from and how old I was. Then she told me that I was like her son – she was about ten years older than me. And then, surprisingly, she gave me a hug, the third hug this week.

When I got to work, I got two more hugs from someone. So I have had five whole hugs this week. That is more than I probably had the whole time I was doing my PhD over several years. That’s the kind of love you get from the ‘educated’ white middle classes and their women that pretend they are ‘woke’ and inclusive in this country. They only fool other white people.

Someone at work told me that I seemed like I was in a really happy mood today. I have a philosophy at work which I have told some people. Whatever problems I have in my life – and there are a lot of them – more than other people could handle – I smile at work and joke around with everyone. Most of the time. In this line of work, we are all professional actors. We hide our own feelings. We get along with everyone. We don’t think about ourselves. We think about other people. When I was growing up, my grandfather told me the same thing a few times. When you laugh, everyone laughs with you. When you cry, no one cries with you. And anyway, all my friends from yesterday night were at work today.

Thinking about a Hindi film called ‘Mera Naam Joker’. Whatever the clown hero did in his life, he couldn’t get the woman that he loved. They all left his life for something or someone else. And the clown? He had to make everyone else happy. That was his fate. That was the only way that he could get some kind of love for himself.

Someone asked me why I didn’t just get an arranged marriage in India. Because I want to be loved for just me. That’s why. Not for a visa. Not for money. Not for my ‘Western power or identity’. Someone that likes me for me. No agenda. But we live in the world. No one loves you just for yourself. They love you for your skin colour. They love you for what you have, like your height and your own living space. They don’t love you for being honest with them, caring about them, thinking of them first. Doing things for them. Being in love with them.

Have you ever thought much about the myth of Orpheus? He had to look back when the woman he loved was in the realm of death, separated from him. But can you imagine a myth where he doesn’t look back? Orpheus has to look back whatever happens. Because he loves her. So at least Orpheus can look at her. Even if she is no longer his, at least he has the sight of beauty in front of him. That consolation isn’t a cheap one. It means something – another look at the woman you are separated from and that is never going to be yours.

Bodily Connections

26.01.2023

Photograph of me by my Artist friend – the other friend is making me laugh and ruining my face for the photograph when I was trying to do a pout.

The latest flowers I bought for me and my mother – the red rose for love and the pink rose for the beginnings of love.

Today, I organised a trip to the Tate Modern Friday Late for my work friends. One of my best, long-standing friends at the museum came with me as well as two newer friends who I really like as well. It was a really great night and I got to reconnect with the oldest friend and to form a lot of new connections with the newer friends, one in particular who I have liked since the moment I met them. The newer friend took a photograph of me – she is an artist like me.

As we were leaving this great night together, I shook hands with the oldest friend and hugged the newer friend goodbye. When you connect with your friends physically, it is the expression of your emotional connection and the togetherness that you feel with them. This was my second hug of the week – someone came back after a while and I hugged them as well. I am so lucky in this line of work with such great people that give you all this love and affection. They make you happy.

Actually, today was a day of bodily connections. There was a weird one earlier. I was handing a young blonde woman with blue eyes something. As she took it from me, her fingers touched mine. And I felt an electric shock. I don’t know if it was static electricity or what it was, whether it was a physical, real happening or whether it was all in my mind. The body is a funny thing, the mind is a funny thing. How could I tell what I was experiencing real or not?

Today was a really good day at work. The people at my workplace are so nice to me and they always take my requests into consideration when they do the rotas. They really treat you like a valuable and respected member of the team. As I said, in this line of work, everyone is a nice person and they will do what they can to make you happy.

After the turbulent events of the past few days, I finally managed to make myself wake up early in the morning in time for breakfast. It hurts me to think of her not being mine. Maybe with someone else that is looking at her, talking to her and, worst of all, even touching her. But that is life. When they are not yours, you can’t do anything about it. You can’t make someone like you if they don’t like you back. You can’t chase someone that doesn’t want you to chase them. You can’t have someone that might be someone else’s. That is wrong. The only thing you can do is to move on. And I am trying to do that.

Lots of Stories

25.01.2024

A lot of people have suddenly started reading my diary. Even though I have stopped sharing links to my blog.

In my life, right now, lots of stories are happening around me which involve me. I always thought to myself that I was just a regular boring person. But, actually, there’s always something going on when I am around. I don’t understand the reason behind it. It is not just this diary. It’s always been like that when I’ve been around more than a few people.

I was thinking about how other people see me in surprising ways when it comes to relationships. Two of my male friends that I get along with well told me a few months back that I was ‘naughty’ and they would never ever introduce me to any of their female friends. What did they mean by that? Were they joking? I mean, I wouldn’t expect them to introduce me to them in the first place, but what were they getting at? I still don’t understand it. And based on what? There is no evidence. The occasion was that one of them put a photo of me up on social media and one of their women friends wrote underneath ‘what a handsome man’ or something like that.

The other thing that puzzles me is that I told some women (again, a few months back) that I was gay as well because they were talking about someone. They both stared at me dumbfounded. I mean, I was making it up to see their reaction, but still, how do they know? Anyway, one of them broke the silence and said that I literally flirt with every woman that I see. What did she mean by that? I don’t flirt with anyone. I don’t know how to flirt. Yet that’s how she sees me. But was she joking? And then the other woman said that she was right, especially with the younger women. And when I asked her about it, she said you don’t even realise that you are doing it. That’s how they see it. All I am doing is being friendly with everyone and joking with everyone. That is not flirting.

People just seem to think that I am some sort of playboy that messes around apparently. It reminds me of when I was at university. One woman told me that she wouldn’t talk to me at first because I didn’t look like I was a decent person. Then, later, when I was in my twenties, some woman at work told me it just seemed like I must have had about a million girlfriends and my friend has also told me that it just looks like I have had a lot of girlfriends. What is everyone basing all this stuff on?

Even she said it to me, that I just look like I am always chasing women all the time.

I mean, I wouldn’t say. Because that is my private business. I am talking about appearances and the perceptions of other people.

Softness and Suffering 24.01.2023

When you watch someone that is suffering because of you in whatever way, you can either refuse to listen to them, or you can relieve their suffering easily, instantaneously. It depends how soft you are at that moment in time and how much you remember what they mean to you and what it was that happened. And how soft you are on them. Even if you know they are not yours. Why cause them pain for no reason? There is too much suffering in this world already. You shouldn’t cause it to others without a really good reason to do it. And there isn’t a really good reason in this particular case apart from the selfish reasons I had for myself.

So even though I was going to follow one script, now I have to follow another one. You have to look at the effects of your actions on the people around you.

I listened to this person. I went over what they were trying to say over and over again. The tone of the words. The look in the face. I have a communication problem with this person. A bad one. And they can’t understand that I would rather have nothing than the alternative. But that is life. That is compromise. Now I have to reluctantly follow the script I didn’t want to follow because I have decided that that is the right thing to do after listening to this person. Because I always try to listen to someone, especially when this person represents what they represent – because that is what I would have wanted for myself in a similar situation to this one that I went through, when I was on the other side.

Summary of this Diary: THE PLOT

23.01.2024

These flowers are hurting me. And they are what people want to see from me.

I can’t give up this diary. This diary is my best friend in the world right now. But I might need to give it up.

Anyone reading this diary has probably tried to piece together the story. Which perhaps they haven’t managed to do. The background story of this diary is very simple (i.e. THE PLOT):

Boy liked girl

Boy thought girl liked him

Girl didn’t

(MISUNDERSTANDING NUMBER ONE)

Boy tried to distance himself from girl and avoid her (over several months) – unsuccessfully

But boy secretly still liked the girl.

Finally, boy tried someone else and gave up on Girl 1

There was a bad result because of a misunderstanding between boy and girl 2

(MISUNDERSTANDING NUMBER TWO)

Boy got hopes up about girl number 1 again following a conversation

Boy tried once more

Result – Girl never liked him

(MISUNDERSTANDING NUMBER THREE).

NOW: Boy is trying to cope with the situation and move on. Solution – avoidance. How do you kill your like for someone? So he is sad and angry at the world. Disappointed. What would you expect?

Those are all the facts and there is nothing more to add. All the details are private and nobody is going to know that story, so nobody should make any assumptions about it. Boy is going to have to cure himself by himself. The story is over.

Women’s Love Poetry; A New Face; Being Above Average; Reciprocal Kindness; If Looks Could Kill

21.01.2024

Poetry is sadly under-read. So, I was wondering to myself if anyone actually knew any love poetry written by women poets. Probably not. Probably, when people are thinking about love poetry – if they know any at all – they are thinking of male poets like Shakespeare. And I’ve never heard of any woman writing any poetry to her boyfriend or husband. Although I did read a wedding speech by a woman once – it was absolutely childish, ridiculous and irrelevant. It’s astonishing how little some men have to do to get love and astonishing that they get love at all if they are the way that they are.

It was really nice to meet a new, interesting person today that is around my age in that context.

I was looking into average sizes for men nowadays. I read something, so I thought I would compare my body to that of the average man in the United Kingdom. The average height for a man in the UK is five feet and ten and a half inches. I am four and a half inches shorter than the average. However, in that other department, which I am too polite to mention, I am well above average – I looked it up. My chest is 38 inches, which is supposed to the beginning of ‘buff’. My waist is 30 inches – 8.5 inches below the average in 2017… It’s all genetics, although I do exercise a lot to keep in shape and get rid of all the energy that is not being used up.

At work, someone that had come in on the site for the day helped me with something. No agenda. Just being nice. So I rewarded her for her – I got something for her. That’s how human society should work. Everything should be balanced and equal. You should reward kindness. It was a nice feeling knowing that for once in life everything was completely balanced. No agenda. It’s nice to meet another nice person.

I was already annoyed at the people on the tube when I had to change. Some idiot kept on walking up and down in my way. I moved so I didn’t have to put up with him. Then, he walked past me, right in front of my face again even though I had moved so I didn’t have him up in my business. As he did so, he stared into my eyes. I gave him an angry stare and he looked away. If I didn’t know how to control myself, I would have taught him a lesson for invading my space and looking at me like that. But because you have to control yourself, these idiots can act like that in this country. That’s why this country is like it is – full of idiots running the show and up in your business all the time.

Today’s poetry:

freshly met

the words tumbled like the wind on a trampoline

pondering on a beautiful stranger

perhaps this is the beginning

or another dead end

the stranger is looking for something

and so am I