Kissing a Woman For Real; The Suit Works; Lifting a Million Dollars; Recruitment Decisions

22.03.2024

The most successful book in my Open Access Press, THE MEHMI PRESS, is my book about Hindi films. It is read almost every day by someone. So, I have spread my culture. I have achieved something. All by myself. I am a doer. I don’t sit around and wait. I make my own opportunities and carve out a niche for myself. I do what I have been raised and taught to do – fight for Mother India.

A woman came up to me on the street and starting asking me where I got my suit because it was so lovely. Then, she asked me to kiss her. In fact, she ordered me to kiss her. She offered herself. So I kissed her. I am single. Nobody has given me any encouragement or any signs. I am free. As I touched her with my mouth impulsively, I felt the softness of her against me. It has been a little while. It felt so beautiful…

She was beautiful and young. She is from the same background as me, working class. They are friendly and they are not repressed like the women that I know. Maybe I made a mistake. By moving out of my class and thinking that somehow these other women had something that the women from my class didn’t have. Maybe I should change the women that I approach.

A few days ago, I was thinking of kissing a woman. Now I have kissed one for real. Everything changes in just a few days.

In my book of relationships, it says that you should not tell someone that you love that you are around other women or think about them. Of course, you shouldn’t tell them that you are kissing other women. But I have warned Helen. If you don’t give me what I want, I will go with someone else. I am not going to mope around after her because my time is precious. I need my babies and my family. Even if it is a stranger. She doesn’t care. She hasn’t done anything. Who knows who she is doing what with? How long has it been that she knows I love her? She must think that I can’t get another woman. I can. Whenever I want. If I hung around those drunken women. I don’t. They are not my sort.

I have known her for a year and half. I have been talking to her through this diary for six months. If she had any feelings for me, she would have kept me for herself. It is me that can’t move on from her and keeps on hoping that she will change her mind. Even now, I am hoping that she will change her mind. So many women that are strangers to me look at me, think about me, are clearly attracted to me. On the tube back from London, a blonde woman was staring at me in a sultry kind of way and wouldn’t look away even when I looked at her. It is obvious. But this is Helen and how she is. She cannot bring herself to show me any affection.

I am not the one that is doing anything wrong. She has promised me nothing and given me no encouragement. I want to commit to her. I care about her. I want her to be the only one in my life so I can focus on her. She is not letting me.

Do you know, someone – probably Helen – has been thinking to themselves that this is the time that Suneel writes and has been checking my diary over and over again to see today’s entry? If that is Helen, then that is her personality. She will say to me that she is not interested in me. She will not do anything about anything. And yet, she has to read my diary where I am telling her that I love her. She misses me when I don’t write to her. She has gotten used to talking to me in the night. But still, nothing. Figure that one out. What does Helen even tell herself about me? I am obviously not a friend. Because a friend is not romantically interested in his female friend. A friend doesn’t write love letters in his diary to his friend. But Helen wants me to pretend I am her friend even though she knows that I love her. And that is what I have to do. In the writing, I can be myself. In real life, I have to be a friend. So Helen probably lies to herself about me.

The one I kissed was the fourth woman today that approached me on the street to tell me how wonderful my jacket was. Helen might want to show me that she is not attracted to me. Other women are. They want to make conversation with me. They think I look nice and dress nice. But as I often say, I am not desperate. Either I have to know you for a long time to develop feelings for you, or I have to be physically attracted at first sight. And I don’t hang around drunken women like the one I kissed today for serious things like a mother for my children.

We went to the Bank of England Museum and I lifted about a million dollars worth of gold bullion. The other guys were from the place I work at. I talked to quite a few of the staff. They were really friendly women – nowadays, everyone is really friendly to me. I have a trustworthy face for a lot of people and they like my clothes.

I did some recruitment today somewhere, assessing the candidates. It was an interesting experience. But obviously, everything for that has to be confidential.

Blaming the One You Love; When Your Body Remembers; Calling My Friend Every Day; Thanking Someone

20.03.2024

I am managing to wake up earlier in the morning but not enough to work on anything. Only to exercise. I have to change my habits. I have to look forward to getting out of bed. I have to achieve again.

The last chapter in the book about relationships my friend gave me was about how we blame the person that we love for everything in our lives. It is a form of love. It shows that you love them. It is irrational. But it is a form of flattery. Because they are that important and central to your universe. Am I not blaming Helen for this society and the way it is? Is that unfair? The fact is that this is the biggest missing piece in my life. And I am suffering because she wouldn’t be the missing piece so that everything was complete. But it is not because of Helen. It is because of all the women that I have been in love with that would not return the love. She is just another link in the chain connecting them all.

Incident today. When the body remembers, everything comes back. Today it was the nausea. I should stay away from women. But I can’t. I can’t let fear rule. I can’t be a coward. I should stay away from the ones like Helen. They don’t know that they will kill you with their kindness. First, they are friendly. Then, over time, you start to develop feelings for them. Then, they can hurt you. But, every time, you think what is the harm?

Why do they call it falling in love? Because love is dangerous and leaves you exposed. Wikipedia:

Falling in love is the development of strong feelings of attachment and love, usually towards another person. The term is metaphorical, emphasizing that the process, like the physical act of falling, is sudden, uncontrollable and leaves the lover in a vulnerable state, similar to “fall ill” or “fall into a trap”.

I have called my friend every day this week because she is not feeling well and she needs support. I am her friend. It is my duty. And I never shirk from my duty. Plus, I like talking to her. I mentioned something to her. She told me what she tells me every time: just wait and don’t give up. You are special. Because you are special and you think deeply, it is harder for you. She told me some really personal stuff about herself to help me.

When I went to visit her the other day, my recovering friend, I read out the story my friend in museums and art galleries told me about the folk tale about love (the one where the man kills the woman because he can’t understand that she tells him that she loves him beautifully). She was enraptured by the story which I read out from my version of the blog and asked me to give it to her to keep. So today, I thanked the friend in museums and art galleries that told me the story and her grandmother that told it to her. We want people to share our stories. We want them to have an impact upon people. It is a beautiful story, so meaningful and knowledgeable. I will remember my friend telling me that story forever. And I will remember telling it to my other friend and sharing it forever. It came from a woman to a woman. And then to me. And then to a woman again. It is a woman’s knowledge mediated by a man’s knowledge. Both the perspectives have been combined in it.

Holiday: Seeing My Friend; Darkness and the Shadow; Arianna Grande’s Separation; Violence in Films; The Young Couple

19.03.2024

It was a holiday today and as usual, I did some overtime on my holiday instead of having the whole day off. But the overtime and getting there and back only took up four hours of the day. So I have basically finished my Art History assignment. I will polish it off tomorrow. I spent about four hours today writing the assignment.

In the morning, I went and saw my friend, the one that is recovering. I bought her a beautiful bouquet of flowers – the most beautiful one in the shop. They have wonderful arrangements there. Very stylish. Hearing her charming voice and looking at her kind, friendly face is such a gift.

We talked about so many things. But one of the topics of the conversation was the darkness inside each of us and the shadow. Carl Jung said we each have a shadow self which can destroy everything. We are scared of it. It is against society. We deny that we have these aspects. People keep on saying I am really nice. That’s probably one of the reasons I get friend zoned, aside from the obvious reason that I am Indian and act like an Indian person. But I know that I have a shadow side. I have had anger management problems since I was a little child. The only one in the family. I’m the only one in the family that is The Tiger. It has come down to me. I control myself nowadays for the most part. But what anger asks for is release. Around almost all of the people I know, I keep my mouth closed and I keep myself chilled out. I let them get away with stuff that I wouldn’t tolerate for one second on the street or in other situations. That doesn’t mean that I don’t get very, very angry sometimes. And that anger in those situations is needed for those situations – to give you strength and to make you dominant and to be feared. People look at me and don’t realise who they are messing with. They assume I’m a pushover. I’m not. Outside of my personal life, I don’t care that much to make it an issue. Unless you seriously step over the line. Then there will be repercussions.

It all comes down to self-control. You can control yourself for a long time. A very long time. Then, one day, you can’t control yourself any more. You have to have some kind of release. That’s why I do weights and exercise when I can get up in the mornings – for the pain and to let the aggression and anger out. I have been controlling certain aspects of my self and body for a long time now without a proper release. This is a man’s body. A warrior’s body. This body was built for the Three ‘F’s – Feeding, Fighting and the other one.

When the release comes and all self-control breaks down, which has taken up so much energy and resource, all of the aspects of the shadow self come out. In the myth, when Paris’s love and desire for Helen awakes and he cannot control himself in the face of marriage, the law and the political accords which protect Helen and the King, there is absolute carnage. Violence breaks out all across the world. In the modern period, when war breaks out, the soldiers start raping the women. They torture the prisoners of war. They kill children. They go on a rampage. There is no longer any self control or any vestige of human decency left. The shadow begins to rule. You have to fight the shadow. It is dangerous. It is inhumane. It thirsts for blood and pain, domination. But you also have to be aware that the shadow is in you. Because you sometimes need it. Sometimes, you have to fight. And then, when you have to fight, you have to be strong, capable of winning and ferocious. You have to become The Tiger. But the point is not to get carried away and to know that the shadow has to pass. Do not maim or kill. With actions or words. When Kali the Dark Mother Goddess is filled with blood lust, in the myth, the only thing that can stop her is that her husband Shiva contained her wrath by lying down on the floor and having her dance the dance of war upon his body. It is control that preserves the whole world from absolute destruction, as we know in the nuclear age. You have to be aware of the consequences of your actions.

I read the newspaper for once on the Tube and I heard about Arianna Grande’s separation. And then I thought about some of the lyrics on her new album. Love is not an easy thing. Getting love is not easy. Keeping love is not easy. Loving someone is not easy. Why is it not easy? Because there is a sad lack of acceptance of others in this society. In Indian culture, you accept who you have in an arranged marriage. They are bonded to you for life. They say that you are reincarnated again and again in different lifetimes to be with your partner. So you have to compromise. You don’t know them. You learn them. You don’t love them at first. You learn to love them. You appreciate that no one is perfect. You appreciate that there will be differences between men and women and you allow each their own sphere. What about Western culture? Marriage is no longer for life for most people. Any sign of a problem and they give up. If you are in any way different and not a clone of the other person, they don’t value you as a partner. People look for the one – in Indian culture, many people can be ‘the one’. Because the West emphasises individuality and uniqueness in love, whereas traditional Indian philosophy is that feminine and masculine are two separate energies that combine in recurring ways across history and time to create the whole. So there is no uniqueness, only the reiteration of what what has always been. You are supposed to think the same, do the same things, if someone is not perfect, they are expendable. Western romance is super demanding and unrealistic. Indian romance accepts compromise and is realistic.

And what about me and Helen? I know that Helen is not the same as me. She wants to be individualistic, whether she actually is or not. I am in the community and see myself as part of the community. She wants to be completely independent. I rely on my family. We don’t agree on a lot of things. I am cynical and pessimistic. She has criticised me for it. But do you have to have exactly the same thoughts in life to love someone? Do you want to be trapped in a bubble your whole life where everyone just thinks the same things? What about union in society? What about compromise and agreement? What about the strength of combining different perspectives? Moot points. Who knows what is happening in Helen’s life and what she thinks. Who she might be with. Who she might love. Who she is looking for. Do you know what my friend said about her to me privately? She will never think that anyone is good enough for her. Forget about her. I don’t know why they said that, but that was their impression of her.

The British public is worried about violence in films. While the world burns around us in hate and pain, apparently the problem is violence in films. The British public is ignorant and ridiculous and I wouldn’t even trust them to carry my piss down to the sewers, let alone rely on their opinion in a referendum or in a public vote. Democracy is the rule of the stupid. The very idea that the majority of people must be right is stupid. The minority cannot accept that idea. I am in the minority. Why would I follow a philosophy that disfavours me? I am not stupid. I am a realist. Whatever anyone thinks about me. I want a happy ending. I don’t believe it is going to happen. I want to believe. I don’t believe.

I saw a young couple when I was eating in the night after work. They were sitting right next to me so I could hear everything they were saying. This was annoying as I don’t want to be with a couple while I am in my free time eating my food. First I saw the young man’s face and I took an instinctive dislike to him. Then I saw that his girlfriend actually looked alright. So I said to myself, that’s pretty typical. They all seem to go out with absolute tools, people I think are morons and that I would never go out with in a million years. Then, you know what he did? He started shouting out in an obnoxious way to her not to touch him so that everyone in the whole place could hear. That’s the kind of weird and dysfunctional relationships that go on around you with these people. How can they put up with each other and be attracted to each other in the first place? This is why I avoid being around other young couples. I don’t want to hear or see their mess. It affects me negatively. I hope I never find out who Helen has chosen or will choose over me.

The Three Women; The Nightmare of God; Time Runs Out; Love Runs Out; A Good Day at Work; A Thank You Note; The Rejection of Difference and Repression

18.03.2024

There is a moment when the shine comes off reality. Some people hide from the ugliness of the nuts, bolts and the naked mechanisms. They deny, flee. But then, what about those that lock their eyes on the terrible truths and try to change the fabric of things in this world? Are they heroes or monsters?

When I finish a piece of art, I am always proud of my handiwork. It is a piece of me. So I was pleased with this one. And when I do the work, because it is digital art, I always post it straight away to share it with the world. I make it for the world as a gift. I work quickly. I think of my art as calligraphy – skills learnt to convey expression in a moment, years of refinement to produce spontaneity. The influence is from Chinese and Japanese calligraphy, the beautiful writing.

I was wondering if Helen really wasn’t well or if I had just read that into the situation. She didn’t look well to me and then there are other memories involved. Me and Helen are almost strangers to each other now. We haven’t talked for a very long time because we are never together any more. She knows about me because I want to believe that she reads this diary every night. What do I know about her? What I know of her is based on her behaviour rather than what she has told me. Her behaviour is distinguished by kindness and care. That is her personality. That is the personality of all the women that I am interested in. It is has become the most important thing.

It has been playing on my mind that Helen doesn’t seem well. Am I contributing to that with this diary? Why does she read it? The fact is that Helen suffers, with or without this diary. And then, when I saw her it was after a day in the weekend. Perhaps that is why. But feeling unwell also goes with stress. But all this could be a misunderstanding. Perhaps Helen is not unwell at all. Sometimes, I see her face and it changes from how I remember it. How do I remember it? The flashing brown eyes when she ambushed me – because usually her eyes are dark and black. They changed colour. The time when she changed her hair and I couldn’t recognise her when I looked into her face. The serious look when she is talking about something which she thinks is important, the intensity of her. The frown that goes down sometimes when you say something. The smile, like the smile of the Mona Lisa.

When people around you are unwell – possibly Helen and then my other friends – you wonder if there was a god, does he get nightmares about the way that he makes people suffer on this planet? How does he live with the guilt of what he causes to happen if he were real? Because it is not just them that suffer. It is the people around them that care about them that suffer as well.

In this low period, time has run out. It seems impossible to get anything done before and after work. Life is rushing along. There are so many unfinished things. Because the motivation for everything is going. There is no excitement or goal to work towards. What is the point of everything? When you are never going to get love out of it? That has always been the motivating force for everything.

Today’s workday was amazing. Even though I can’t control anything in my love life or my personal life – because you can’t control the behaviour and choices of other people – I can control what happens at work. Because when I do things, I am dominant and people follow me, whether or not they give me the formal recognition for it. So today, I gave tours in the art gallery which I wrote, including to one of the curators, my favourite. She loved the tour and gave such good feedback. She told me that I had made her see things in these familiar posters which she had never seen before. I don’t go on about it all the time, but I am very clever. And people recognise that when I talk about things. I went to a meeting to improve experiences for visitors within the museum and I think I made what was quite a good suggestion. I also helped a colleague with a problem that she was having. People often come to me for advice there. Because all the people that are close to me know that I make an effort for them and that I will always help them because they are like my family to me. I did some things for some of the people there that I will not mention here but which made me feel good about myself.

But when I got home, no matter how good the day is at work, I have to return to the situation. My personal situation. Your job can’t love you back. You can get satisfaction from it. But you don’t get the most important feeling: the feeling of being loved. Only a woman can give you that love and your children. That’s what these career women in London don’t understand. If you leave your job, you will be replaced within a week. Life will go on. People won’t even miss you that much after a while. But in a family, you are irreplaceable. You rule over everyone’s hearts. But such is the world that people have chosen a career and money over what is most important: love.

Someone sent me a thank you note for something I sent them. It was nice and unexpected. I like looking back at these notes and thinking about how you might have improved someone’s day just a little with what you did for them.

Lately, I have started thinking I should end this diary. This diary was the expression of love and an invitation for love. But where is the love? But now, it has become a habit. What can I write to Helen now? A love poem? She knows I am thinking about her. Should I complain that she does not love me? What else have I been doing? The speculations about Helen, I keep to myself. The jealousies I keep to myself. The darkest thoughts, I keep to myself. If I told the reader some of the darkest moments and the thoughts, the intensity, they would be shocked.

My hope for the future is that someone doesn’t have to live through what I have had to live just because they have been raised differently and from another culture. But the reality is that things have actually got worse over time and not better. Things will always be like this in this country. Because it is hate that rules and not love. And these women, they are nice people for the most part. But the way that they are and how they treat you is just as bad as everyone else because they can’t accept or love difference. And they don’t even realise that this is what it is. And on top of that, they are repressed. Repression is even worse now than it was in the past. And I feel it is linked to the rejection of difference. I know it. I can feel it. I always follow my intuitions.

Babies in Love; Scar Tissue; Women and Losing the Shine on Life; Getting Rave Reviews as Sandeep; Managing to Read; Massively High Libido; Sad News; My University Friend Writes

17.03.2024

The last chapter of the relationships book that my friend lent me said that people act like children when they are in a relationship. You have to forgive them for doing it. Because they can’t communicate what they are thinking with each other. There is no honesty or attempt to articulate issues. Other stuff takes over and they no longer behave with the self control and consideration of adults.

When I went to get my haircut last week, the barber was suffering from a horrible toothache. He was a young guy, unremarkable looking. And he was complaining down his phone as he cut the hair (he had it crooked in his shoulder) about the toothache in a childish kind of way to someone. Maybe he was distracted, but he pressed the machine hard into my forehead and it was painful afterwards. Today, the scar tissue has fallen off, the scabs. I scraped it all off with my fingernails. There was a massive amount of it. But nobody noticed. Nobody ever notices anything about your face or what happens to you. Either they are not observant, or they don’t get close enough, or they don’t care.

I don’t think Helen is well. Last time I saw her, she didn’t look like she was alright. But she still smiled at me and said ‘hello’ and ‘goodbye’. Whatever you can say about Helen, she is a nice person. Why pretend that she isn’t? It’s why I liked her. The complaint I have about Helen is the same complaint for all the other women in London – they just can’t love you. It doesn’t matter who you are or what you do or how much you love them. You are just never good enough for them. They will never accept you. That’s the love you get in this country.

That’s why I don’t try to ‘integrate’ here. I maintain my own Punjabi identity. Why should I change for them? When they will never change for me? Where’s the equality and the reciprocity? I have fought for this woman that is going to come into my life for my whole adult life. I didn’t have an arranged marriage, I fought for love. I did everything that I was told and supposed to do to make myself eligible. I accept things in them that are regarded as wrong in my culture – talking to other men and being friends with them, drinking and going out at night to clubs and pubs. Having had relationships with men before. Why should I always have to bend in everything? What about my expectations? They are not much – a family and that someone lives where I live, which happens to be with my parents. My parents aren’t going to be in charge of us. They will leave us alone. I don’t expect someone to stay at home and look after the children if they don’t want to. But apparently, that is too much to ask for.

There is just one potential woman in my life right now. With Helen, it is wishful thinking. She has been reading my diary for six months every night. Nothing has come of it. With Girl 3, like Helen, I feel that she is thinking about it. But they do nothing and won’t let you do anything either. So it is stalemate. You are only allowed to ask once. What can I do about anything now? They won’t make the moves themselves. But there is a problem with that potential woman. I won’t go into it here.

But because there are literally no women, now the shine has gone off life again. I don’t expect to meet anyone now. There is no excitement and nothing to look forward to. Everything seems absolutely pointless. I talk to people because they haven’t done anything wrong, but my heart is not really in it, except for my best best friends because they give me comfort. Today, I had to get in contact with two of them so I could have their words to hug me and make me feel better. I didn’t tell them that. I don’t tell my best best friends about how I feel because I don’t want them feeling bad for me.

I did a tour and then some of the people told someone that my tour was amazing. I am not arrogant but I expect people to like my tours. I work hard on them. So I wasn’t surprised. But then the person told me that they remembered my name as Sundeep, a generic Indian name. This also didn’t surprise me that much. I have told people that the reason I don’t get reviews on TripAdvisor is because people can’t remember my name. It is not just with me. I know for a fact that people can’t remember the names of the women with foreign names either. Because they ask me what their names are. When I was getting published and some people cited my work, they thought I was a woman as well. They are not familiar with my name, can’t remember it and make assumptions about it.

The big challenge in life at the moment is getting into reading again. The problems have been taking over. What is there so good about life compared to books? A life where you can’t even get love from just one person? All I needed was just one person. And I can’t even get that because of how they are. It is a big disappointment, the biggest disappointment in my life. And it is something that I can’t control. What can I do about it? I can’t magically get taller. I can’t magically stop being Indian. I can’t magically forget about all my duties and responsibilities and promises and just move out and live by myself. I can’t magically start drinking and start going clubbing. I can’t magically just change careers and get a top status, massively paying job. I can’t magically become white or start acting like a white person. I am what I am. I do what I do. I’ve already done too much for these women. It wasn’t worth it because I didn’t get my reward and what I was promised. Why should I keep on doing stuff for them all my life for nothing?

The irony is that I was going through some statistics for sexual behaviour in America today, a contemporary psychology article. Compared to these men, I have abnormally and massively high levels of sex drive and libido. I knew it already. I am an athlete. What my body demands is a lot. I have high energy, high stamina. I am intense. I’m not like other people.

Two bits of sad news today. My friend who is recovering from the operation is not well again. I phoned her up in the break at work and talked to her. What is there to say? But those words that you say, they are looking for them. They are looking for comfort and reassurance. The same thing that I look to for her, I have to give her as well. That is our relationship. I spoke to her every week on the phone when she had cancer. I spoke to her every week on the phone through Covid. We are so close to each other as friends. I have been calling her every day this last week after her operation. There are different types of friendship. I love her as a friend. And if the situation was different, I would have loved her more than a friend. Because she is my type of person. In many ways, she is the ideal woman.

The other sad bit of news affected someone I know. This person does not realise that the times have changed. People now are easily offended, scared and quick to blame people. They are judgemental. So, for that reason, you have to be super careful around them so that their misinterpretations – of which there are many – are limited. That’s my initial impression about what happened. I don’t know – maybe I am making assumptions. I heard it off the grapevine. Because, unfortunately, maybe it did take two to tango in this situation. Who knows? It is still sad what happened.

My old university friend and me were sending each other messages today. As an adult, she is my oldest lasting friend from over twenty years. And we have both always been interested in writing and have written to each other for twenty years. Why? Because we are both Indian. Like I said, this is this culture. We live in the culture of love and acceptance here in England – as you can see when you read my diary and you know how other people treat me in this country. It’s the evidence for history.

The Long Wait; Sour Worms; Excitement in Life; How Sisyphus Lives; Reluctance; Pillow Talk

16.03.2024

On my desk, there is a packet of sour worms which I picked up in Amersham. Sour sweets are some of my favourite things. Yet I haven’t touched that packet in several months. I am losing interest in doing things.

Today, a new art history book came for the course. I don’t have time to open it up. And I don’t feel like it. When I make time to study, I enjoy it. But before, there is no excitement.

It is all coupled up with the problem in getting out of bed in the mornings. There is no excitement in life any more. Because the person I love has told me that she doesn’t love me. She said something to make me leave her alone. Now it is just a case of going through the motions because so many people depend on you to perform. In this society, so long as you function at work, nobody cares about the rest of your life.

And work? It is a career I chose because they wouldn’t let me become a university professor because of their racism. My main ambition in life is to be a writer and a researcher. Do I have time to do that now? No. Because in this society, you have to get a job to get a woman if you have brown skin. And even when you get that job, there is always some excuse why they can’t care for you.

But, I do enjoy my job. I do enjoy studying. I enjoy the things I do. It might not be ideal, but it is fulfilling.

It is the excitement beforehand. Because there is no woman you love. Do you know what love is? Your mind feels like it is on the high of crack cocaine. You can’t ever feel better than that. It is exciting. You have excitement in your life. You have a million plans in your mind at the same time. You are looking forward to being around her, talking to her, looking at her. There is so much to hope for.

What is there really to hope for now? We live in this society of love with the lovely people in it. People who just can’t love you or give you a chance.

I was thinking about waiting today. You can wait your whole life for something that you want, like a family and children and someone to love and care for. A whole life waiting for something that never materialises. How patient do you have to be to do that? Because you don’t want to settle. You want the right person. They don’t have to be the perfect person. They just have to be someone that you think is special. And that makes you happy. So you keep on waiting. And then, when you find that person, you realise that all you have to do is wait some more. Because they don’t want you. So, this is your life. You live in frustration. You have to live in hope. That’s all you have. And sometimes, you even give up hope. You resign yourself. But the final resignation is still to come. Because when you finally accept that you are not going to meet someone that likes you and that you like, that’s when you will have to strike out on your own and get your family a different way. By buying the children from someone and raising them yourself without a mother. You are going to have to punish yourself and your children and everyone around you to get what you want.

Today I didn’t want to write this diary. All I did was work all day and then some overtime. What really happened? Some woman with her little baby kept on walking in front of me at work. Finally, when she was leaving, I talked to her a little. And, as I guessed, she was keen to talk to me. There is a certain ethnicity of people – not Indian – that find me attractive or interesting I have found out. She was from that group. After work, I was eating my dinner after the overtime and one of the women sat down and talked to me after the shift. We sat there for half an hour. Because I didn’t feel like leaving and going home because what was there to do at that time in the night really?

Why did I write the diary? Because Helen is not here with me for some pillow talk. This is the only way I can talk to her in the night time and share what happened in my day. Instead of talking to her, I write a monologue. I believe that she reads it. Thinks about me. Cares about me. But maybe I am wrong even there. We cling to our illusions and our dreams. They give meaning to our lives and shape to our experiences. While she is reading, I write for her and to her. I think about her even if she doesn’t think about me. It would be easy now to stop writing. It would save a lot of time. I could use that time for something else. But how can Paris lose even a moment with Helen? When she is what he thinks about? Paris doesn’t want to be in love with Helen. It is not practical. It is costly. He suffers. But what you find out in life is that you can’t control things like that. You have to go with what you are feeling and you can’t shut it off even if you try to. You look around the world and it is hate that rules. So you make the mistake of thinking that love is not a powerful thing. But then, you fall in love with someone and it takes over everything. And then you realise why they sing about the power of love and you realise why they think of it as strength. But at the same time, you realise that love is a weakness and a disease. It literally makes you sick. But that is because you are starving for love, not because of the love itself.

So I write. I think about her eyes looking into mine. I think about the way she turns her mouth down into that little frown and how she creases her forehead. I think of that sweet voice caressing my ears. I think of her arguing with me with her serious face which looks a little sad. In your dreams. That’s what they say. In your dreams. In your dreams, it is permitted to imagine her there with you in the night time with you in your room.

Chocolate; A Kiss; Pride; Helen the Heroine; The Nurturing Instinct; Teasing

15.03.2024

the kiss

15.03.2024

what does a kiss take?

a kiss takes a thought

and makes it into a story

a kiss takes a dream

and makes it into a quest

what does a kiss give?

a kiss gives a moment

which becomes the eternity

of memory

a kiss gives an awareness

which changes your destiny

beware of a kiss

I eat chocolate every day because it simulates the same emotion as love. It makes me feel good. It gives me what is missing out of my life. I have been suffering from love starvation recently. Chocolate is a slight solution. It’s no accident that it relieves depression in the Harry Potter novels and is a cure against the Dementors. The author had a divorce. Like me, she was separated from the one that she loved. I told someone the other day that it is a simulation of love. She told me not to say that. She said it was sad to say that. What do these youngsters know about what it is like when the most important thing in your life is not there?

This morning, I saw a stranger woman. On these dating apps, you look at the photographs and you don’t feel anything. You are numb. This whole day, I thought I wouldn’t see any woman that I would look at. But then she was there. Beautiful, stylishly dressed. My exact type. We locked eyes. And suddenly, I was thinking about kissing her. A long kiss. You know what they say? They say ‘in your dreams’. It’s probably what Helen thinks if she does not say it. What encouragement has she ever given me this whole time? In your mind, it is not a crime to kiss a woman. As long as you don’t stare or make them uncomfortable. And just looking at her and thinking of holding her and kissing her sent a surge of feeling throughout my whole body. I could feel it in my head. The sense of connection and intimacy which you remember from before, which you are missing and craving. Of course, I did not talk to her. You see women every day that you would want to be with. And yet, if you ever tried to talk to them, they would treat you like a serial killer. The ones you know for six months or more do that – so with the ones you don’t know, it would be even worse. And you know something? I am never going to meet that stranger ever again. You never do. Life is not a movie where you coincidentally keep on banging into women again and again until they fall in love with you. And when they are in your lives all the time on a regular basis? Like I said, this is the society of love.

I passed the assessment at the Gardens. I’m officially on the team now. I put in a lot of time and work to do it. Because it was my duty. To save the world and all the plant life in it with my talents. To make a contribution. I have been raised to be a hero. I do the things that a hero does. I commit to education and learning to transform the world and make it a better place. It was my grandfather’s dream, my mother’s dream, so it is my dream. I do my level best to fulfil my duty. And when I do fulfil my duty? Then I am proud of myself. Because what do I get from it? I am in some gardens which I love and around nature. But I lose a whole day’s pay to do it. I travel one and half hours there in the morning and then one and a half hour’s back when I go in every week. But it is all worth it. When someone or something is worth it for you, you do it. Because as I often say, I have to look in the mirror and not see a monster. If other people can’t see you as the hero, that is their prejudice. Because I have done a lot of volunteering – and work that was hard and very involved. I know that I am a hero. Not just in terms of volunteering, not just because I am the first one with a PhD and published work in my family, but in my personal life and on the streets. I am proud of myself for doing what it takes to be a hero.

And in this diary, I am the hero. What about Helen? Is she the heroine? What have I actually said about Helen in this diary? Nothing really. Because this diary is not about Helen. It is about me and my love for Helen and what happens when you can’t get your love in life, when your love can’t die and you are stuck and can’t move on because of this society of love and its ‘diversity’. There is a big question about Helen though. Why can’t she stop reading my diary? Every night. Why was Helen so uncomfortable when I stopped talking to her and avoided her? Considering she told me that she didn’t even know me? Why does Helen even care in the least what I think about her? We never went out together because she is the one that said no. She is not my ex.

And yet, how can Paris stop thinking about his Helen? At any moment in the war, he could have handed her back over. It would have been over. Paris can’t. It doesn’t matter about the cost. Paris is in love with Helen.

I have been calling my friend every day because she is poorly and she is all alone. Everyone that has needed care and attention in my life and I could help them, I have done it. I am good at nurturing people and nursing people. Because I have a lot of patience and I am a caring person. Some people think I am nasty because I make jokes and tease people. That was the humour back in the old days which is what these youngsters fail to appreciate. I went to a boy’s school. That is what it was. Just because the rules of humour have changed whereas we are still the people with the same upbringing and experiences. It is not meant to be nasty – it is a form of friendliness. But the youngsters nowadays can’t laugh at themselves like we could. They are anxious and have issues. They lack our confidence in ourselves. However, times change. I have been taught my lesson. Not around 99.9% of women. With the men, it is still okay, with some of them.

Holiday Day 3: Uneaten Olives; Pro-Palestine Protest at Lidl; Demons That Rule and Extremism; The Gardens; Diary Haul & The Perfect Present for Her Exit

14.03.2024

In the morning, I did weights in my white boxers and took a few selfies, inspired by Mark Wahlberg’s photographs of himself in his early twenties and then again at his age now of his physique. I’m 41. People tell me that they can’t believe I look like what I look like. It is the genes. It is all natural with just a little bit of work. I have a lot of energy and power in me. And when I looked at my photograph of myself, I thought to myself that I looked handsome.

Everything will go one day – the physique, the hair, the strength. I still need to get those professional fitness photographs of myself done to commemorate what I still have. There are still so many projects that are uncompleted.

her portrait of me

is faint and unfinished

her heart is not in it

and mine of hers

I lavish my eye and fire on it

every moment

scanning the nuances

remembering the lips

and the eye moving

a portrait written in fire

by the fire

of the ice

its clamour is deafening

and its touch is calamity

it is branded into my brain

it is a work of pain in eternal process

It was the third day of holiday in a row. I dedicated it again, first, to Art History study in the morning – the argument is now complete. It just needs to be written up. It was a difficult question but it repaid the study. A lot of interesting things going on in the paintings which deal with the aftermath of the French Revolution and the reaction to it through a representation of the past. I feel that this will be one of my best marks on the assignments, hopefully. But I always think that. Do you know what confidence is? It is what I have. In everything that I do. And do you know something about confidence? It gives you the results. When I went into athletics, I had never done them my life at school. All I did was say to myself and everyone that I am going to be good at this. I practised. And then, you know what, i was good. Good enough to represent the House. Good enough to represent Athens.

The rest of the day was dedicated to Kew Gardens and working on my volunteering. I bumped into some of the volunteers after a while. It was nice to see them but I had to rush off and get things done. It started raining when I was there although the weather started off nice.

There are some uneaten Halkidiki olives in my cupboard at work. When the issue is completely resolved, then I will eat them. They stare at me in the cupboard, reproachfully. They are the one item of food left there.

When we went to the supermarket in the morning for the LIDL shop – we go to several different stores for different things (my stuff at LIDL is the nuts) – there was a fully fledged Pro-Palestine protest in the doorway of the store. There were about six police officers there and when I left to walk home by myself, I noticed that the police had started wrestling with the protestors (or being up in their faces), some of whom were women. That’s the law and order in this country – a bunch of unethical bullies that won’t even let people demonstrate peacefully. By the way, I am not getting involved in Middle Eastern politics. I have not taken a side. I will just point out that the problem was exacerbated and indeed caused by Europeans and their racism through the anti-Semitic programme during the Nazi regime and fascism. And now these Europeans – all of whom were racist at the time – want to blame the people they left in the mess because of their racism (and imperialism which goes with it – Hitler’s drive to take over Europe modelled on the other imperialist regimes like Britain). What a surprise.

The Christians are right – the devil rules the world. It is the rule of the demons. I read their new laws on extremism with disgust. They want to legislate against undermining democracy in the name of hate and intolerance? They want to stop hate and intolerance? Have you seen how they treat refugees and migrants with their rules and their inhumane practices? How they elect the wealthy to be their prime ministers? Every week there is some article about the racism of the politicians like with Diane Abott at the moment and with anti-Semitism before. What kind of fucking democracy is that? We still have a King and Queen in this country. What fucking bullshit. They want to legislate against the undermining of freedom? You can’t protest or dissent in this country without serious repercussions. You don’t have freedom to act in any sphere because of their law-making machine and the decisions of people removed from real life and any conception of justice. The real threat to this country is its government and the elites that are always in charge. Do I support democracy? No. Because it is the rule of the stupid, the conformists. I support the rule of the intelligent and the rule of the meritocracy. In any case, this is not a real democracy. Because it matters more where you live than the rule of the people – look at how the voting system is arranged in boroughs. This country is full of bullshit lies and hypocrisy. That is why I only rule over myself. Nobody else rules over me. Everyone else can just make a request and then I choose to follow it myself.

Do you know that the children of immigrants suffer more mental health problems than the immigrants themselves? Because they are supposed to choose between two tribes. Because they have to choose their identity in a way that their parents don’t have to. What have I chosen? I have chosen rebellion. I have rebelled against everyone. Both the tribes. I have chosen my own way. I do what I feel is right. By myself. Anything that gets in the way, I discard it: gender, tradition, moral censure, judgement. In Frankenstein, the monster says that ‘I am fearless, and therefore powerful’. The reason I am powerful is because I am my own god and creator. I am the writer and the poet and the artist. I make my own reality. The only way you can make an impression on me is through love: that’s why my will is the will of a god.

Do you know the strength of mind it takes to live for the whole of your adult life in rebellion? When you are not getting any reward for it? When you have lived for twenty years for your ideals? For the dream of love? Of course you don’t. I live in open rebellion because I am The Tiger. Tiger is what Sikh people call themselves. It is what the name Singh means. Singh means ‘Tiger’. We are the community of Tigers. But how many people of that community do you think really are Tigers? This world is full of cowards, traitors and turncoats. The real Tiger is me. Because life has been hard and I have lived it. No matter how merciless life is, I live it. That is the spirit of the Tiger and the Punjabi. The spirit of rebellion. The same spirit of rebellion where we beat the greatest superpower in the world with our fighting spirit and our culture and morals. We made them ashamed of themselves and they ran away. That is who we are and where I come from.

The bookshop near the Gardens had a sale so I managed to pick up two Victoria and Albert Museum diaries for 2024. I usually write in diaries. Because they always go on sale. My talent is for writing diaries. Because it is the truth that I see. I also picked up a beautifully illustrated calendar with children’s books represented. I have opened it at January first for Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. It is for the pictures and not the dates – I have that on my smartphone. It is on the desk in my bedroom next to the magazine cut outs of beautiful women on my cork board that I look at occasionally while I write.

Someone is leaving. Someone connected with her. I managed to pick up a perfect present for her and what her feelings are and her mission in life is at the moment. Because of her and what happened, I wasn’t the friendliest to her. But everyone around me is like my family and to me she is like my little sister (also because of her – relationships are contradictory and paradoxical). One of the most pleasurable things in life is giving a present to someone that means something to you as a token of esteem and thought. And finding the perfect present for that person.

The family said to leave them and go live by yourself with someone. Think of yourself. I’m not going to do it. I owe them. It is my duty. I have promised. At least three years. There is an Indian phrase: May your life go but not your promise. Neither force nor love is going to persuade me. And, who knows ultimately why she has said no? It is all intuition.

Meeting with my friend down the pub tonight. That’s why the diary has been done as quickly as possible after coming home from the volunteering stuff in Kew Gardens. The night is still young so many things could still happen.

Holiday Day 2: Art History Study; The Substitution of the Loved One; Arianna Grande’s Love; This Society of Love

13.03.2024

Heart face in the middle. My initials worked into the top right hand corner.

Jams of the moment: Ghost in the Shell soundtrack (amazing, nostalgic, an amazing movie).

Holiday Day 2. I have been so rushed and distracted by things – you know what – that I ended up at work by mistake. Luckily, it is near the British Museum so I just went down there first thing in the morning. And I saw the Legion exhibition about the Roman soldiers and what life was like for them. It was fairly interesting. It was probably for the best that I thought that I was going into work. Because otherwise, I wouldn’t have been able to get out of bed probably. That is the hangover that I am trying to beat from everything that has happened. It is probably based on the fact that my grandmother needed sleep and then I needed sleep and now Helen seems to be unable to sleep if I am correct in my deductions – so the unconscious – which mirrors these women – won’t let me get out of bed. Before I managed to get in, I was waiting in the big queue outside dancing to some music on my headphones. Little dance moves, little slight ones, subtle. Just to see if anyone would notice. No one did.

The question they have asked for the art history assignment this time is actually quite hard. Actually, this term, all of the questions have been quite difficult in my opinion. It wasn’t easy getting going on it at all knowing that you have to score for a distinction at the same time. And this is an undergraduate degree. You’ve got to be pretty smart to do a humanities degree. The amount of stuff you have to learn and approach creatively through the interpretation of the artwork is a lot. And then, when you get the degree, what use will it really be? I need the degree for my own interests and to develop as an artist and observer and a writer. Will it be any good professionally? I am already a Virtual Curator for a Japanese art gallery – they posted one of my social media posts today with a good reception. So I am already doing the work. But will I get rewarded for it? That is another question entirely.

Psychoanalysis says that your first indoctrination in love is through your mother and your father. For boys, the story is simple. You love your mother first. You learn to love her. However, the nature of the love is not so simple. Because, first, you are your mother. You are in her. Then, afterwards, you mirror her voice, her gestures, her behaviour to you. That’s how you learn to love. But then, something happens. So you realise that you can’t return your mother’s love to you. So, you have to find a substitute – the incest taboo. But this substitute is usually modelled on what your mother is like – so you don’t escape the clutches of love. The substitute is actually a clone. What has happened in my life is that – so far as I can understand the situation – Helen and me have communication problems, I find it hard to give up, I don’t know anything about these women and how they act or think – I have to find a substitute for Helen who was a substitute for the original love, my mother. The conclusion? The only real love you get is from your mother and you can’t return that one. All the other loves you go for in your life are fakes. You are going for the false article. Like I have often said before, life is a bad joke at everyone’s expense.

As I was listening to the new Arianne Grande album, I thought to myself that here is a woman singing about love that would never even give me a second look. Of course she wouldn’t. Ordinary women that haven’t achieved anything particularly spectacular in their lives won’t go out with you because, for some reason, they think that they are better than you. So what would she be like? She has achieved superstardom, recognition, has a good body of work behind her, can buy whatever she wants, has people falling in love with her and at her feet all over the world. And the ordinary women? On social media and dating apps, they are all stars now with all the men following them and hungering after them. As I often say, each of them has about thirty or forty people after them all the time, maybe even more. Why would they look at you if you are Asian, different, short, in your early forties, academic, doesn’t drink, etc. ?

This is the type of society you live in. And you want to know something? Those women that are on those dating apps are exactly the sort of women around me that won’t go out with someone like me that they know in real life. The grass is always greener on the other side for them. That’s why they are on those dating apps. That’s this society.

More women’s behaviour. Some woman got on the bus with her friends and stared at me all the way she walked down towards me. She walked right up to me, invading my personal space, and then swivelled round and turned her back to me suddenly for no apparent reason. So that I could stare at the back of her body and her hair. The only reason I looked at her was because she was staring at me. That’s women’s behaviour for you. I don’t even try to understand what they are doing nowadays. But I did wonder if they do that with everyone or if it is just me in particular.

More interest from another Indian woman. Again, with a top career. Again, not my type. The physical attraction is not there. What have all these Indian women been doing all their lives that they don’t have someone with them? I wasn’t allowed to date and I was doing a PhD so I didn’t have any earnings coming in. They have literally been working since graduation and they weren’t raised like me in isolation from the community. They were allowed to date. They were allowed to do whatever they wanted. Why have they waited until there will likely be medical complications and birth risks for the children before they have started looking for someone? More women’s behaviour. Let me tell you though, I am not going for someone my same age. Because that is a risk I am not going to take. They have to be younger than me, at least eight or nine years. To avoid the medical problems. Because it is not just the baby’s health that is at risk – it is the mother’s health and life as well.

Holiday; Extra Stuff; The Eyes of a Beautiful Woman; Impulsive Reactions; My Conversation with my Friend; Mental Tiredness

12.03.2024

Another holiday. Which I filled full of work. Studying in the morning, writing for volunteering and for my art history assignment. Then overtime at the usual place for two different extra things. When you are ambitious and passionate, you have to do extra. When you care and you do what you love, you have to do extra. When you don’t have someone special in your life to make time for, you have to do extra.

When you look into the eyes of a woman you are interested in – and she has become most beautiful to you – it is enough. To just look into those eyes one time in the day… How perfect life would be if you could just look into her eyes at least once every day… All troubles and cares are forgotten. Whatever else happened, you can dismiss from your mind. You are lost. You watch the jewels glistening in her eyes. You feel that soft look upon you, the look that is only for the ones that she knows, but it pierces your heart at the same time. For once, you feel seen. And recognised. She is looking at you. She is thinking about you. But, the look is tinged with sadness. Because one day, that woman that is beautiful to you will be gone. She will be out of your life. She will be with someone else. She will perhaps never think of you again. Even her look – it is around others. You conceal the effect it has on you. What you want to say and do you cannot. But her look – you remember it for the whole day. And then days afterwards.

The director at the museum told me that I looked very dapper in my outfit when she saw me. And then someone else squealed with absolute delight when she saw me too (which made everyone laugh). I work with nice people that always have compliments for you and are super friendly for the most part. Of course, you can’t have everyone in life like you and be nice to you. Some people, I have tried to be friends with and they won’t accept even your friendship when they know that they are going to be seeing you almost every single day. So you just give up on them. My philosophy is to try and be friends with everyone, at first anyway. It has got me into trouble. Because when you are a man it can mean trouble and misinterpretation. But everyone misinterprets – I am as guilty of it as anyone else.

I talked to her on the phone today. My friend is not well. She is fragile. One day, she will be gone too. And she is one of the most special out of all of my friends. Because she came at the right time. Because my friend loves me a lot, she always boosts me up with compliments no matter how tired she is feeling. She tells me that I am special. She tells me I am like her son. Even though she told me it tires her to talk, she didn’t want to stop talking to me on the phone. She is such a beautiful person. I will miss her a lot when she is gone. I can feel the time coming. But she is also very strong. She has survived through everything. So, no matter what, you do not lose hope. Maybe she will recover again.

I am tired of talking to women on the dating apps. I was tired of it before. Why would it be different now? I am tired of approaching women I don’t know and I don’t have any interest in. But because I need those children, I have to do it. Because the women in your life won’t even give you a chance. They must think that you are not good enough for them. Isn’t that what it is at the end of the day? And so, here I am looking at complete strangers. I am not young any more. I can’t just go after someone I find good looking and not worry about anything else. I can’t just think about my libido any more. I need someone to be a mother for my children. And not make them into something that I don’t want them to be.