The Holiday of Scholarship Begins

18.05.2024

Today it was my last working day for a whole week and a half. Now I am going to be studying full time, reading and writing for one and a half weeks. The aim, as is always the case with me, is to be the best. The best scholar in this instance. It is a prize I have claimed throughout secondary school, sixth form and university. I am used to it. And the reason I am the best is not just because I have good genes. Not just because I am creative, original and have a brilliant memory. Not just because I can put things together in a way that no one else on the planet can. But because I also work hard. That is the key ingredient. Nobody has as much passion and motivation as me.

I have some thoughts in my head that I want to work on as writing pieces to share on social media. How many people actually read this stuff? It is not many. But that has never stopped me writing. Whether tens of thousands of people read my stuff like for the Japanese art gallery, whether thousands read, like at the Plant art place I volunteer at, whether hundreds read, like with my academic work, or whether just a few read, like on my personal blog, it is all the same to me. I have at least one special reader. Helen. Because Helen reads my personal diary, that is enough. I only need her. Even if she doesn’t love me. Just knowing that she is thinking about me. Who knows why? Maybe just to check to see what I have written about her.

I am pretty sure that I will finish the essay in just a few days. I only have one more thing to read – a book. I have met the author at a conference on poetry which she presented. As a mere PhD student, I presented my work alongside professors from Oxford. Do you know what she told me? That she had studied that poetry for decades, but the things that I saw in it, she had never heard anyone talk about. She told me that I was very very clever. That is what it is like for me – things that people have studied their whole life, I can see something in it which they can’t. Everyone in academia knows that I am super clever when they talk to me. Every single one of the people that knew anything about my work told me that. And yet, where is my job as a university professor? Why not? Because of the racism in this country. What else could be the explanation? When you are looking at something, it is the most obvious answer that is is the solution, not some contrived bullshit.

It is the same with love. The reason I am not in a relationship is because of racism. It is as simple as that. It is not me. If I was white and exactly the same as I am now, I would have what I wanted – a family and kids. I am 100% sure. I’m not going to let anyone gaslight my experience and the reality of oppression in Western society.

I wore a green blazer I bought today. It is my favourite colour. It is the colour of my family. Green was the colour of my blazer at school as well.

A lot of people were super happy to see me back at a certain context after a while today. Except for ______ but that is what __________ is like sometimes. But you don’t know with ________ Sometimes, they pretend to be low key when that is not actually what they are thinking or feeling. And, what can I do about it? Either you are liked. Or you are not. Either you are special to someone and they think about you. Or they don’t. I can’t change my personality for anyone. And I am not going to change from being an Indian man to a wannabe white person for anything or anyone. They have never let you forget that you are Indian. So fuck everyone. I am going to insist on being Indian. Once upon a time, I used to call myself British. Now, I call myself Indian. If that is my recognition in the world, and they will accept no other, than that is what I have become.

Holiday Day 3: Four Museums, Five Exhibitions

28.04.2024

Me standing next to the poster of Mother India, the film I got my name from. In real life, her co-actor Sunil Dutt saved the actress playing Mother India from a fire which broke out. Her name is Nargis, a flower – why women are flowers for me. They fell in love when she looked after her hero Sunil (her son on-screen) in the hospital.

The purple flower is broken – purple for Athens, my identity at school was Athenian in Athens house… 💜

The Valentine’s card made thinking about Helen this year.

Museums and a charity bookshop aside from copious amounts of art history study, where I managed to make myself well into the assignment (still 3 hours of wake time left since it is only 20.38 as I am writing). Here’s the itinerary:

1.British Museum – Greece, India
2.The Wellcome Collection – Jason and the Adventure of 254, The Cult of Beauty
3.The British Library – Beyond the Bassline: 500 Years of Black British Music
4.The National Portrait Gallery – The Time is Always Now: Artists Reframe the Black Figure, Francesca Woodman and Julia Margaret Cameron: Portraits to Dream In

I will write about each of the exhibitions in due time – all except for The Cult of Beauty.

What can I say about the cult of beauty? In reality, Helen is the most beautiful woman in the world to me because she was kind to me. It was her behaviour that I was attracted to. She is beautiful. There is no question. But I did not notice her when I first met her. The effect was over time based on her behaviour. It is the same with all the women that I am interested in right now. Over time. That is the essence of beauty in real life – beauty through relationship.

As I was looking at Greek art and Indian art, I was struck by a curious thought. We all know that the ancient Greeks got a new confidence when they defeated the might of the Persians. It shaped the racism that was to come afterwards. I have been shaped similarly. I have been shaped by the Indian Independence movement when we beat the British. Because the quest for me is still freedom. I don’t believe that India has got it yet. Because the nation is not freedom. The Western law is not freedom. Anarchy is freedom. The village is freedom. Self rule in its unmitigated form. Dharma, not law. Freedom is still to be achieved. Freedom is still to be fought for. The war is not over yet. The scholar is still in the war. I am still being shaped by the past victory to consolidate our position. It is not suspicion – it is fact. The prize is still for the taking. Remain The Tiger. Don’t break. Tiger is still alive. Tiger has been alive for six thousand years and will live until the end of time. For freedom from oppression.

I am shaping to the new layout in my room. A new place to think and to dream and to create. I stare at the bookshelf for inspiration. I stare at it with love. It is what I want to become. So many books to read. So many things to learn. Hope springs eternal. Ambition is undefeated. The dream of education.

I saw the Rosetta stone today. I saw it with Helen. We read it together. I still have my memories if nothing else.

I compared the ‘Crouching Venus’ with the ‘Crouching lions’ in the Nereid monument. The woman is defensive, the lion is aggressive. The woman retreats from the gaze, she is hiding. The lion is fierce display. The woman is shame, the lion attack. The woman looks as though she is not moving at all, the lion looks like it is just about to flash like lightning. Which one, though, is the more powerful? That shame will douse any flame from any man. When you see them shrink from you as though you were a wild beast, all you feel inside is dismay. The lion, you would fight with. With the woman, you have to turn away.

I saw Michelangelo’s Pieta in the shop and I really wanted it. I am looking for a sculpture in my room now there is space so that I can be like Freud who collected these curios. My statues of the Hindu gods and goddesses are in the corner we have made for my mother to worship. I won’t get a female nude because of my mother, of course. The naked Kali she tolerates because that is the religion. I will have to find something else that I am interested in.

I got a finial bangle of some Egyptian cats to wear. One of my friends told me to get a bracelet a while back instead of getting my ears pierced. It was expensive, but what do I work for anyway if I am never going to spend the money? I have wanted one like it since I was a kid but never got round to it. I love finial bangles and torques. I was going to get the lion one first – my middle name is ‘Sim’ which means ‘Tiger’ from the Sanskrit word ‘Simha’ like the god ‘Nar-Simha’ (Man-Tiger). The word is the same for ‘Tiger’ and ‘Lion’. However, I got the cat, because the Tiger is a cat too. And I liked the design better and it was more visible than the lion design. The woman serving me helped me to put it on and take it off, although she actually looked like she didn’t want to serve me. That’s kind of what you expect from a lot of these women. The one in the charity bookshop was exactly the same. Why do you work in retail and customer service if you don’t actually want to even talk to someone when they are engaged in a one minute talk with you?

Books I’m interested in that I saw:

How to be a Renaissance woman – the role of women in chemistry and botany as they made make up for themselves
Plant Life – laser cuts and flaps in this children’s book

I was watching the dancing hands of an Indian woman as she was talking to her husband or boyfriend on the tube as I got back. It was an energetic dance. I had my headphones in and wouldn’t have understood her language anyway. All you can do is observe as an outsider and speculate on what they are talking about and why her body was moving like that. Next to me, a very beautiful Indian woman was sitting there. She was the most beautiful woman I saw all day. She looked at me as I was getting off, then walked past me as I stood on the escalator. As I passed through the barriers, I saw her walking towards the end of the tunnel. Believe it or not, I started walking fast – it was a race. I wanted to see if I could get past her. Before she finished going up the stairs, amazingly, I managed to get past her. I won the race. How could she beat me? I have the body of an athlete. I can walk as fast as some people can run. Why did I race her? I’m an athlete. I’m competitive. I don’t like anyone beating me. Helen has won. She beat me. But that is something I can’t do anything about. Because in the arena of choice, the women are the queens in this country.

Astounded by how silent London is when you are a lone bachelor around the town. The only people that talk to you are other men – quite a few in the tube today and then one in the shops on the way home as I was carrying flowers. No wonder so many men are desperate for female company. Luckily, I work in the industry that I work in which is full of beautiful women to talk to.

Why don’t I just buy myself a wife from India and the children will come? People have asked me. People tell me to do it all the time. Why not? Because I have principles. Because I am a lover, not a buyer. I am not going to buy someone with my British passport and my superior wealth to them. Despite this culture calling us Indian men misogynistic pigs (when they are misogynistic themselves), I believe in choice. Not arranged marriage with its casteism and its inequality. And because I want someone that I can talk to things about – someone who has had access to art and culture and the frame of reference that I know about and have studied for them to talk to them. I would rather go it alone than compromise on love and my principles. But what do I get for having principles: the treatment I get from women here in this country. You can’t win, whatever you do. Not if you have been raised like an Indian man in a white culture.

Day Off – How Do You Capture a Distinctive Portrait?

09.04.2024

The Cosmic Dance – Kali dances on Shiva as this is the only way to contain her bloodlust and destruction.

What can I say? I love Kali. So every woman I love becomes Kali. And I become Shiva. It is fate. It is the cosmic dance.

……

Easy. Simple. Unimaginative. There is a preconception amongst some of the non photographers that a portrait is nothing much. Not a real exhibition of skill. Especially the selfie.

Yet the way that you pose and the way that you present yourself to convey your identity is a skill. Whether you want to look appealing or hostile, whatever emotional bond you want to create with the viewer through the craft.

Today, I took it to the basic level. I held the camera at arm’s length in front of me and pushed the button. The magic of technology.

How did I convey my identity?

First off, I posed in front of the bookshelf which is my library. So that indicates that I am a reader.

Then, it was time for the framing. I chose to cut off bits of my face. To add the mystery. It is a technique taken from Japanese art too – I volunteer at a Japanese art gallery. Japanese art itself is influenced by India and Buddhism. So there is that happening there.

Lighting is positioned to catch in the eyes which have been described as my best feature by others, not just women. These eyes are the eyes of my grandfather. It is the family connection. Eyes themselves are described as the ‘windows into the soul’.

The face is filled with light to alleviate the appearance of wrinkles – I am standing next to the window. Light creates a flattering portrait.

In one portrait, I look into the camera. Intimacy. A direct and confrontational challenge. We stare into each other’s eyes. The aggression. The other two images, I look away. The creation of distance. The air of introspection. The books in the background add to that idea of the introvert.

No props. The face fills the frame. There is no distraction. The complete focus is on me. Therefore, the images become intense and illustrate my intensity.

All considered decisions. Yet, the portrait itself is regarded not only as a vulgar, but also narcissistic form. Even though we always present ourselves in our best light to other people. At least in public.

……

Called my friend in the morning who is recovering from the operation for support. She is still suffering. When I call her, she doesn’t want me to go. I said bye about four times. That is what love is.

Contacted my mentor who is recovering from cancer to hope his operation goes well.

Leg is fucked. But the doctor got in touch so I called back because I missed the call as I was talking to my friend. No appointment. But they will call again tomorrow to try and sort one out. How fucked is the leg? Painful. Swollen. But I still ran on it to get to the bus and I caught it. So how fucked is it actually? If you believe in your body and you have mental strength, you are invincible. The Tiger is capable of smiling whatever happens. And helping others despite anything. I have been raised to be a hero and a warrior. There is a saying in India: Men don’t feel pain.

Writing about the Japanese art for the Japanese art gallery in the morning. Then, wrote an article about Indian film songs for the new volunteering space. Then I wrote some new tour excerpts for some other plants for the Gardens. So all the volunteering stuff is done. About four hours invested into art, education and culture and to save the world by inspiring people about plants, climate change and the environment.

Bought some books on history and the V & A and its history at the charity bookshops in the local area. That was one hour gone – that’s why I had to run for the bus.

Bought some lilies for myself and my mother – I walked down. Another forty five minutes. As I walked, I admired the gardens in the local area. It is the time of growth.

I took the photographs, made the artwork. But what would the day be without a poem about Helen? Here it is. For her. Even if she is not reading.

she is always late

she hangs around the people

that are always late

time is not something she really thinks about

or they think about

because they are young

and their dismissal of time

is a part of them

and I who watch the clock always

feeling time’s hot fangs and breath behind me

I who waited patiently forever for her

for nothing

I for whom time is slowly running out

to do the things that must be done

I who does not have any time with her

I wonder at her dismissal of time

Integration – The Way of the Tiger

06.04.2024

There is a reason my name is Suneel. I am named after Sunil Dutt. My Indian mother gave me this name. Because Sunil Dutt saved the life of the actress who played Mother India in the film. My mother named me shortly after the actress’s death.

You’re probably wondering what that has got to do with the idea of integration in this country. Everything.

I was discussing the issue of integration with my friend. She is an immigrant. So her position was that she should integrate into the culture of the host country. Because that is her choice. She came here. So that’s what she feels like she needs to do.

I am not an immigrant. I have been raised by immigrants here. And my mother – who raised me the most – chose to preserve our culture. Indian culture. Punjabi culture. So my situation is different. I didn’t have the choice to come here or to be born here. And? I have chosen Indian culture. Punjabi culture.

Just because everyone else is doing something, I am not going to follow like a sheep.

I am not going to change for force or for love. The power of India is within me. Six thousand years of power, the way of the tiger.

And I have seen the love that we get from this country for looking and being different as Indian men. They don’t listen to us. They don’t respect us. They don’t love us. We are the most under represented group in this country in literature, the arts, music, film, everything. If they are never going to accept us, why would I change myself for them?

They dishonour my mother every day in this country. They call India a nation of rapists. They call us misogynistic pigs. They are right wing racist and xenophobic extremists but that’s how they label India. They call us backward for supporting our culture and our ways. The women here won’t love us. And they want me to integrate?

The story my mother told me about Sunil Dutt wasn’t just about his heroism in saving Mother India. It was a story about honour too. My mother has given me the name to protect our honour, the honour of Mother India, which this society dishonours every day.

So that is why I don’t try to integrate in this country. I do things the Indian way. The way that I was raised. I think like an Indian person. I act like an Indian person. I listen to Indian songs and watch Indian films. If anyone tries to attack India, I attack them. I will fight for our way of life until the bitter end. They came into our country and forced us to follow them. I am in their country now and I will see how anyone forces me to do anything in my own home and in my life. Because here, there is one thing that is supreme. And that is choice. And my choice is India.

Titles in the Mehmi Press – Free Download

The Mehmi Press is an online Open Access publishing company which I founded in 2023. It is completely free to download, read and share my creative work. I hope you enjoy reading these titles which include microfiction and an artbook. Self-publishing gives you a freedom you cannot enjoy anywhere else and a sense of achievement which is hard to find in this world.

Stay on the lookout for more titles in the future!

By Dr Suneel Mehmi

SELECTED NOTES ON RACISM

PUBLISHED 2024

With a focus on the British Asian or Anglo-Indian experience, these are writings about the subtle strategies of racism in western culture which shape everyday life and also the cultural imagination through fiction and films. The aim of the book is to expose what is concealed but which orders life in Western culture for the ethnic minority and the majority culture.

selected-notes-on-racism-2024-suneel-mehmi Download

SEVEN DAYDREAMS

PUBLISHED 2023

Seven daydreams which I have been immersed in constantly. From dreams of freedom, to dreams of imprisonment, from dreams of knowledge to dreams of the body beautiful.

seven-daydreams Download

STORIES FOR MY CHILDREN

Published 2024

These stories are lessons, adventures, a means to share life and my experience with the little ones. An attempt to replicate the wonder of stories which my grandfather introduced me to, the ultimate storyteller. Written in 2015. The first collection of many to come!

stories-for-my-children-2024-suneel-mehmi-1 Download

MICROFICTION 2022

Published 2023

Microfiction self-published on social media amidst the Covid pandemic, job search status after a PhD and the onset of the Russian invasion of Ukraine.

microfiction-2022-2023-suneel-mehmi Download

JUVENALIA: Stories for the University Newspaper

Published 2023

Microfiction published in various student newspapers with a twist in the tail – sometimes quite nastily.

juvenalia-stories-for-the-university-newspaper-2023-suneel-mehmi Download

PAISLEY ART BOOK

Published 2023

An exploration of what the Paisley symbol means to me as a digital artist and how it signifies the tears of India for me as they are appropriated by the West.

paisley-artbook-2023-suneel-mehmi Download

POETRY TO THE IMPOSSIBLE WOMAN

Published 2023

Poetry sent in an Impossible Way to the Impossible Woman.

poetry-to-the-impossible-woman Download

MEHMI’S Introduction to Hindi Film (10 Favourites)

Published 2023

An introduction to some of the most iconic, historically significant and popular Hindi films through an exploration of ten of my most favourite films.

10-hindi-films Download