The Three Dance in the Water

17.04.2024

the three dance in the water

around me

as it boils

the three dance in the water

around me

as it freezes

one clutches at the other

one whispers in the water

one she scatters liquid light

in their forms the foamy sun rises

with Aphrodite’s glamour

I the eye

I watch the water

and the water’s dance

and in it

I see the smile of Aphrodite

gliding towards me

like the dagger true

So this is the photograph I took. And this is the picture I made. This is the difference between my photographer’s eye and my digital art eye. The picture I made has become about The Three. The stars around which my planet is orbiting now. Two of them might already be gone. Maybe all of them will go. Man stands alone in the world.

in the love of the world

in the desert of the world

there is an oasis

the water is cool and fragrant

the water is the kiss of a mother

it takes the thirst of the desert

and by it

grows one lone tree

which casts a shade

which cools the water

which touches the heavens

Just to hold her hand once. To kiss it. And to put my palm against hers.

I am listening to Arabic music instrumentals on Spotify as I write. The sound is melancholic.

In a moment, I will get up and shave off this beard from my face. I want to give up. But tomorrow, I will see her again. Tomorrow is another day. Tomorrow, the Tiger will still be the Tiger. Tomorrow, the hero in love will still be the hero. If you have loved, never fear. If you have loved, you can lose everything. But you cannot lose your courage.

phenka humne phool

i cast a flower

Uskein taraf

towards her

Us mein dil tha humara

within it was my heart

phenka humne phool

i cast a flower

jis mein chehra tha uska

within it was her face

phool ne kata humein

the flower cut me

koi shikayat nahein

there is no complaint

phenka humne phool

i cast a flower

uskein taraf

towards her

usmein jaan thi humare

within it was my life

Ukrainian women are exceedingly beautiful. I talked to one today. No one knows my type. I don’t tell people.

It was a moonlight night. I was in the country of the Arabs. I was in pain. There was the water. The stars glided across the water, the lights of the night. In the crowd, I saw a beauty from the heavens, an angel. She had forgotten her way and come to earth. She walked towards me. And then? She walked towards the boat on the water. I watched her going. My heart was breaking. In the beautiful night, the invisible rain of tears knitted themselves into the fabric of the sky. She walked away, I sighed. She walked away, I was flooded with melancholy. Across the water, I watched the boat depart. That moment is caught in my mind. It was Her. It was She. I watched my life walk away from me. And I stood there like a corpse, sighing into the windless sky.

What is Sadness? Or Disappointment in Love.

04.04.2024

disappointment in love
04.04.2024

the beast felt the rain of tears
down his throat
the beast felt the sword
in his heart
through his coat
once more
the beast felt
what the other heart smote

An awful emptiness consumes your chest and stomach. You feel tired and lifeless. You swallow. You don’t need water but you have a sensation that is like thirst. You are not hungry but you have a sensation of hunger. Your eyes hurt. There is no excitement. There is an awful silence everywhere. You can’t concentrate properly. Nothing seems worth it. There is no hope in anything. You force yourself to do things. You try to regain your positive grasp on the universe. It doesn’t come back into your hands. You feel insignificant. Rejected. Worthless. Alone. Alone forever. What is the point? Meaninglessness is what surrounds you.

This is what sadness feels like. This is what disappointment in love feels like.

Every morning, you try to struggle out of bed. You have to force yourself eventually to make sure that you are not late for work. You are so tired. You want to sleep forever. But you really can’t sleep that much at all. You can’t forget your disappointments. You can’t forget that you are alone. You can’t forget that you have no hope. There is nothing that you can do to change your situation. Everything that you have done has failed. You are a failure. You have failed in the most important thing. The one that you love is not with you. She is going to be with someone else. She might be with someone else right now. They say it is a bitter pill to swallow – this is what it physically tastes and feels like. It is like you are trying to swallow poison, the poison of this hard, apathetic, unloving, unfeeling world.

The motivation for everything goes. Discipline slowly corrodes away into nothing. Your dream of love which has kept you going all your life is being destroyed. It is what gave meaning to your life. You know that you will never be happy. You are certain of one thing: that you will always be unhappy.

Around you, you know that everyone else is getting love. The reason you are not getting it – what does it matter? It is the unfairness of the situation that is the worst thing. If you weren’t Indian. If you were exactly the same, but not Indian. Then, you would have had love. It is the unhappiness of injustice.

Again and again, the same fantasy creeps into your head. You watch yourself hanging from the gallows. Swaying in the wind. You keep on imagining putting your head in the noose and tightening it. The sweet release of death. An end to your misery.

But, you would never do it. Because in your culture, it is an act of cowardice. And perhaps, this is the essence of this sadness and this disappointment in love. There is a small kernel of resilience within it. Now matter how bad things get, you will keep on going. Because she might not have loved you yesterday. She might not love you today. But she might love you tomorrow. And maybe, if she never loves you at all, past, present and future, maybe someone else might love you.

So the kernel at the bottom of everything, the survivor behind it all, is the deluded fool, the irrational, the mad, the dreamer. The one that believes that somehow, in this cold and hard world, somehow you will get love. Despite the fact that you are an Indian man in a white society where you are not worthy of love, no matter what you achieve, do, think, no matter how much you love someone.

So this is what sadness is and what disappointment in love is. You live even though you don’t want to live and you dream of dying. And you are dead. You are a living corpse.

Seeing the Mother Goddess; Boat Drinks; Private Tour for the Greek Mother

03.02.2024

I gave a private tour around the art gallery to a Greek mother. She was super interested in everything that I was saying as the tour was about women artists – that is the one that I wrote and prepared. You can tell when someone is focusing all their attention on your words. We talked about the classics and Greek mythology and she thanked me at the end in such a beautiful way. I knew that she would remember that tour as part of her experience of being in London so that is why I gave her such special attention in return for the attention she was giving me. You could tell how much she loved art. It is beautiful moments like that which make this career worthwhile.

I saw the Mother Goddess again today, Maa Kaali with her blood lust. I have seen her so many times in my life. We have a special bond. It is my fortune. I am blessed. With this one, before I had heard her and knew. Now I saw the dance with my own eyes. I have the same personality as the Mother Goddess so I understand the dance. In that context, probably, no one will ever see me do that dance. But it is always there underneath. Always. It is directed and controlled, waiting for the opportunity. For the revolution. I live in hope and faith (and despair and distrust).

Sometimes, even though everyone that you know is against you, you still have to do what you have to do to achieve your aims and your duty, your mission in life. Sometimes, you have to bend morality to get what you want. Sometimes you have to marshal all of your resources – whatever they may be, however reluctant they are, however much they are opposed to your ends. Because of the prize at the end: my army. To get those children I can even become selfish and demand my right, even if nobody wants to give me it. I can become a single parent. Because it is for the future and the dynasty. For the community. They are being born for a mission and a destiny. I can give them the bloodline, the culture and the honour of being in the Punjabi community, the community of tigers. That is all they need. The rest is their fate, the lottery that you get when you come into the world. However, that is the last resort. Let’s try with the traditional route first. But if it comes to it? I will make myself do it. I have sworn on my head that I will get those children no matter what. The only thing that can stop me is if I physically can’t be a father and there is some kind of medical issue. I will give up everything for those children if I have to. If you can’t make the sacrifice, you don’t want it enough.

This is probably the last event I’m going to go to. Again, there were no women. We were on a boat with a view across the Embankment. I was the only one looking out towards the window at the night lights. There were four men that whittled down to three. I actually got on quite well with one of them and we talked about a shared interest. I stayed a little later than I should, but I would probably have been up anyway. Topics of conversation – the more interesting ones – a failed relationship, the mystery of the minds of those people that never speak their thoughts out loud, why some people age so much visibly while others don’t, gendered drink buying in different countries, etc.