Frenemies; Encouraging Research; Suffering

27.03.2024

the tree of sadness

27.03.2024

a sudden bloom of doom

a heart stretched out

with limbs and fingers

poisoned toes

which strive

through the ground

and into the mind above

the tree of sadness

the structure of pain

burnt into your being

One of my frenemies – the main one – was mean to me. I thought since I hadn’t been around her for a while, she would have gotten over her anger. She is still angry and judging me and everything I do and say. The incident today was over literally nothing. You have to be careful when you become frenemies with a woman. She would never say what she said to me to anyone else there. She is sweet tempered and kind. It was really upsetting. I would like to say that she doesn’t know how much it hurts when someone you like is mean to you. But actually, she is doing it because she knows it upsets me.

So that ruined my day. When she said it, I had an awful sinking feeling in my stomach. I suspect the reasons why she is doing it. I keep my speculations to myself.

What can I do about it? Nothing. If a man spoke to me like that, I wouldn’t put up with it. But she isn’t a man. And she is sensitive. So the best thing is to just leave it alone.

Hopefully it won’t disrupt my sleep patterns as now I have been able to sleep again properly for the past few days. The last time someone I liked was intentionally mean to me, it took seven months to get better again. You know about it. You are reading my diary.

What she said keeps on coming back over and over in my mind. They think I am still young. When you are young, it doesn’t hurt so much. Because you haven’t had hurt upon hurt piled upon you. When they say that stuff to you, it brings all of the memories from before back. It is quadruple the blow. I hope they won’t have to experience it when they are my age.

If I ever upset anyone, it is unintentionally. I would never do it on purpose, especially to a woman.

I have been talking with someone that wants to do a PhD in my subject in English literature somewhere. She has an interesting project and I have been sending her a few short messages about suggestions I have and some links about stuff that I have been reading that might be relevant.. Today she sent me a little thank you note about it. She is a very friendly young woman. I would have appreciated the message more some other day, but life is what it is.

At least Helen is never mean to me. She has been angry at me. Very angry. Once. But she is not mean. But Helen is older. She knows what it is like.

Two friends are unwell. My friend couldn’t talk to me on the phone today because she was feeling so poorly. Another friend has had some really bad health news. I couldn’t catch up with her either. Suffering is everywhere around you in this world. I have only just got better myself. But nobody cares that I suffered and how I had to get through it by myself. That is this world. I had to keep it to myself and away from all of my friends and family until I got better and told two of my friends what happened. Because all they would say is I told you so – don’t mess around with the women in this country because you are different to them and why were you so stupid to do that stuff with these women here after what happened that other time.

Why? Because I want my kids. Because Helen wouldn’t say yes. She was the only one in my life that I wanted. At the time, there was no one else that I wanted. Everyone else is just a substitute for Helen and they all came later. If she said yes, I wouldn’t have even looked at any of these other women that are causing me these problems. I’m not blaming Helen. It is just a fact.

Peace

06.02.2024

The ending keeps on changing. The situation keeps on changing. You have to adapt to the situation and what is called for.

When you lose a contest or a war, when you are defeated in your refusal to accept terms, you have to accept the peace that follows. And you have to make the peace offering. You have to say sorry for what you did in the past. You have to move forwards and establish renewed ties. Accept defeat and what is going to go with it with grace and don’t be a sore loser.

When you can’t sleep at night because of what you have seen and heard, which you don’t even understand, you have to change the situation. Don’t forget the favours they have done for you. You still owe them. I want my sleep back.

It has been an eventful day. But what had to be done has been done. It was the only right thing to do. I made myself do it.

And now I have to rebuild a friendship. There is time to recharge and refresh before it has to be done. I – or we – have done it before. Even though it is not easy. But I know it can be done. Why not? Forget everything and move on. Focus on the present.

Bodily Connections

26.01.2023

Photograph of me by my Artist friend – the other friend is making me laugh and ruining my face for the photograph when I was trying to do a pout.

The latest flowers I bought for me and my mother – the red rose for love and the pink rose for the beginnings of love.

Today, I organised a trip to the Tate Modern Friday Late for my work friends. One of my best, long-standing friends at the museum came with me as well as two newer friends who I really like as well. It was a really great night and I got to reconnect with the oldest friend and to form a lot of new connections with the newer friends, one in particular who I have liked since the moment I met them. The newer friend took a photograph of me – she is an artist like me.

As we were leaving this great night together, I shook hands with the oldest friend and hugged the newer friend goodbye. When you connect with your friends physically, it is the expression of your emotional connection and the togetherness that you feel with them. This was my second hug of the week – someone came back after a while and I hugged them as well. I am so lucky in this line of work with such great people that give you all this love and affection. They make you happy.

Actually, today was a day of bodily connections. There was a weird one earlier. I was handing a young blonde woman with blue eyes something. As she took it from me, her fingers touched mine. And I felt an electric shock. I don’t know if it was static electricity or what it was, whether it was a physical, real happening or whether it was all in my mind. The body is a funny thing, the mind is a funny thing. How could I tell what I was experiencing real or not?

Today was a really good day at work. The people at my workplace are so nice to me and they always take my requests into consideration when they do the rotas. They really treat you like a valuable and respected member of the team. As I said, in this line of work, everyone is a nice person and they will do what they can to make you happy.

After the turbulent events of the past few days, I finally managed to make myself wake up early in the morning in time for breakfast. It hurts me to think of her not being mine. Maybe with someone else that is looking at her, talking to her and, worst of all, even touching her. But that is life. When they are not yours, you can’t do anything about it. You can’t make someone like you if they don’t like you back. You can’t chase someone that doesn’t want you to chase them. You can’t have someone that might be someone else’s. That is wrong. The only thing you can do is to move on. And I am trying to do that.