18.05.2024
Today it was my last working day for a whole week and a half. Now I am going to be studying full time, reading and writing for one and a half weeks. The aim, as is always the case with me, is to be the best. The best scholar in this instance. It is a prize I have claimed throughout secondary school, sixth form and university. I am used to it. And the reason I am the best is not just because I have good genes. Not just because I am creative, original and have a brilliant memory. Not just because I can put things together in a way that no one else on the planet can. But because I also work hard. That is the key ingredient. Nobody has as much passion and motivation as me.
I have some thoughts in my head that I want to work on as writing pieces to share on social media. How many people actually read this stuff? It is not many. But that has never stopped me writing. Whether tens of thousands of people read my stuff like for the Japanese art gallery, whether thousands read, like at the Plant art place I volunteer at, whether hundreds read, like with my academic work, or whether just a few read, like on my personal blog, it is all the same to me. I have at least one special reader. Helen. Because Helen reads my personal diary, that is enough. I only need her. Even if she doesn’t love me. Just knowing that she is thinking about me. Who knows why? Maybe just to check to see what I have written about her.
I am pretty sure that I will finish the essay in just a few days. I only have one more thing to read – a book. I have met the author at a conference on poetry which she presented. As a mere PhD student, I presented my work alongside professors from Oxford. Do you know what she told me? That she had studied that poetry for decades, but the things that I saw in it, she had never heard anyone talk about. She told me that I was very very clever. That is what it is like for me – things that people have studied their whole life, I can see something in it which they can’t. Everyone in academia knows that I am super clever when they talk to me. Every single one of the people that knew anything about my work told me that. And yet, where is my job as a university professor? Why not? Because of the racism in this country. What else could be the explanation? When you are looking at something, it is the most obvious answer that is is the solution, not some contrived bullshit.
It is the same with love. The reason I am not in a relationship is because of racism. It is as simple as that. It is not me. If I was white and exactly the same as I am now, I would have what I wanted – a family and kids. I am 100% sure. I’m not going to let anyone gaslight my experience and the reality of oppression in Western society.
I wore a green blazer I bought today. It is my favourite colour. It is the colour of my family. Green was the colour of my blazer at school as well.
A lot of people were super happy to see me back at a certain context after a while today. Except for ______ but that is what __________ is like sometimes. But you don’t know with ________ Sometimes, they pretend to be low key when that is not actually what they are thinking or feeling. And, what can I do about it? Either you are liked. Or you are not. Either you are special to someone and they think about you. Or they don’t. I can’t change my personality for anyone. And I am not going to change from being an Indian man to a wannabe white person for anything or anyone. They have never let you forget that you are Indian. So fuck everyone. I am going to insist on being Indian. Once upon a time, I used to call myself British. Now, I call myself Indian. If that is my recognition in the world, and they will accept no other, than that is what I have become.