Being Told Off When I am Blameless

13.05.2024

I got told off today by someone. Why don’t you sort your life out? Why don’t you just go and get married? Why are you not doing anything to change your life? So, even when you have other things to think about in your life, this is the topic that people are making you talk about.

In fact, it is not my fault that I am single. For the past two years, I have been trying to meet someone. The one I loved, Helen, I asked her out. Twice. It is not my fault she said no. I don’t even know why she said no. She didn’t give me a truthful answer. When I went out with someone else, Girl 2, she ended it over nothing. Over literally nothing. And then, the other women? Girl 3 wouldn’t go out with me. But there is a big age difference, so I don’t hold it against her. And the rest of them? They are racist. It’s no point pretending they’re not. I don’t lie about things.

So I don’t blame myself. It is not me. It is the women in this country. Although it is hurtful when you are being told off, as though you are not a man and not attractive in any way, I know that has got nothing to do with me or my personality. These women can’t decide to go out with me, they distrust me for no reason and they act like they are scared of me. When I haven’t done anything. That is the truth. That is racism.

When I was unemployed after my PhD, everyone told me off because they said that I wasn’t fit to be a worker. That I was lazy and I couldn’t do anything. But you know what? When I landed my jobs in museums and art galleries, I worked every single day and did every single overtime shift that I could. I have won five awards in the museum over the past two years – that’s more than everyone else. I have been promoted. Some people have told me that I am a model employee and some of the other workers have told me that they look up to me and they want to be like me.

So, in actual fact, as I have been saying throughout my whole life, I can do every job and I can do them all well. Like with the women in this country, it is just the bias and the prejudice against the way that I look and my ethnicity that people won’t give me a chance. They give the jobs to fucking losers that haven’t got my ability, talent or passion. That’s this country for you. That’s what you get for being born Indian. It is always supposed to be my fault for everything. When it is everyone else that acts like a fucking racist douche bag.

Every single job I have ever done, which wasn’t some shitty summer job, I have been praised for and even won awards for. Everyone that works with me knows that I am a good worker. Which shows you what these stupid criticisms and this blaming is. It is all fucking bullshit.

If I had a girlfriend, I would be the best boyfriend. Because I prioritise my relationships, I communicate honestly, I do my best to be considerate and listen and I am loyal. But still, the women in this country can’t trust an Indian man. That is what they are.

And I am never going to go out with someone just for convenience. These women might do that. I am not going to do it. To be with me, you have to be beautiful, intelligent, kind, I have to want to talk to you and I have to respect and love you. And you have to give me commitment, babies and a family. I am not going to let this society put me with a woman that doesn’t have any of those things.

Yesterday, it was sunny. So I undid the buttons on my shirt after work and I showed the whole world my toned chest and my six pack. Women stared at my stomach – they didn’t even try to hide it. One white woman with her white boyfriend stared the hardest. She didn’t even care that her boyfriend was looking at her. And I enjoyed it. Because I like women looking at me. It makes me feel good about myself. This is what these racist women are missing out on because they can’t trust you. A body like a Greek god. But then, when I got on the tube, I put the buttons back up. Because some gay guy came and stood in front of me and then stared at me. And then, when the seat opposite me got free, he came and sat in front of me from his previous seat and started staring at me again. Unfortunately, I have been targeted by gay men around London since the university days. I don’t know why they think that I would be gay. Perhaps it is just wishful thinking.

I gave some money to some poor people in India for education this week. I have done so much work for education for the under privileged in my life on a voluntary basis. I have done many things for society and to change it. But when it comes to my own life, I can’t do anything to improve my fate. Because no one that I love or liked has ever given me an opportunity. But I am not like them. I will give people an opportunity. Just because that’s how other people treat you, it doesn’t mean that you should treat them like that. The King is able to give when he is asked. His arms are full. He doesn’t have the emptiness in his heart.

Two hours studying art history in the morning and I’m going to make a start on it again after having to do some work administration for the payment deadline now.

The Two Years Experiment; Compliments for the Body; Girls Half My Age; Being Busy all the Time

11.05.2024

So, for two years, I have been back into white society with my ‘peers’ (although the ones I hung around the most were all younger than me). And what have I got out of it? How many of them are really my friends? Where is the woman? This is why I have mostly kept to myself as an adult. You can’t live in the superficial relationships you have to have with these people. It is unbearable after a while. You need intimacy and deep friendships and relationships in life. And they won’t give you that. Because you are an outsider and you are different. But I can’t give up being different. Because I am different. You can’t just give up your identity like that.

This war between Israel and Palestine has affected England quite badly. Because it has become about religion and racism here in this country. They are spending tens of millions of pounds policing the protests and a pro-Palestine MP, Leanne Mohamad, is standing in my area on the fact that she wants a ceasefire in Gaza as one of her main points. The very fact that she is standing on that issue shows what the climate is right now in the electorate.

People are fed up with the racism and the Islamophobia that brown people get and they want to make a stand about it. I’m not the only one that is saying it – we are all saying it. We know how we are treated, however much this society denies it and tries to pretend that it is ‘diverse’ and ‘inclusive’.

I’m not for Israel or Palestine – I don’t get involved in things that don’t concern me and which I haven’t researched in great detail. I am just telling you what the situation is for brown people and why we are angry. We know what the real deal is. That’s why we are all angry – especially the sons and daughters of immigrants who were taught by this education system that we were ‘equal’ and entitled to the same opportunities, respect and love.

You are probably wondering why I am talking about Islamophobia when I am not a Muslim – that’s because people assume I am Muslim and treat me like that as well. I’m well aware of Islamophobia.

Pop culture is getting aggressive too. Rap battle between Drake and Kendrick Lamar that everyone is talking about.

These people are a fucking joke. Get a real war to fight in. Instead of a petty squabble between two rich people. Celebrity is distraction. The real spiritual war is between the world of diversity (represented in my life by Punjab and the village) and the modern day nation state modelled on Western principles. To be a real warrior, you have to be in a real fight. To be the Tiger and the King of the Fucking Jungle, you have to have lived for twenty five years as an adult fighting and arguing everyone for equality, justice, real inclusion, a real voice and for the dignity of your people. Learning everything you can because that has been your talent – for the people. Someone with real responsibility. Someone that is the hope for their community and the future. Not someone with an ego problem that can’t handle a competitor fighting over trivial bullshit.

Throughout my whole life, since I have been sixteen, people have been complimenting my body. I have always just been naturally muscular. I have high testosterone levels. Today I got two. One woman grabbed my arm and said that I had a good arm. Another one looked at me and laughingly said, ‘what’s up with the muscles’ when I was wearing a T-shirt. People just assume because I am short and thin that I wouldn’t be muscular. So it is always a surprise to them. In fact, I was an athlete at school and known for being stronger than everyone and able to lift all the weights on the rack in the school gym.

I would like to say that my muscles are the result of discipline and dedication, an intensive exercise regime. But it literally makes no difference if I train or not – I have just always had muscles whatever I do. Not bad for what these young women are calling an old man.

Like most people, I used to think it was creepy that older men were going out with young women about half their age. And now that I am around women half my age all the time and I am single, I can see it from the other side. They are the ones that are single and looking. They are the ones that you can start a family with. In this society, it is thought of as an imbalance of power to go after a woman that is that much younger than you. Because in this society, people keep on thinking of you as a child until you hit later life. But let me ask you. Are you a child in your early twenties? No, you are not. You are an adult. Either you are an adult, or you are a child. And, if these are the women that are fertile and won’t have birth complications, if these are the women that are actually available, then what is the problem? Where is the power imbalance? What power do I have being a man that is older than them? If I have it, why does this society treat me like shit based on the fact that I am an Indian man? It’s funny how I’m supposed to have some sort of power of being a man when I get no benefits and rewards from it, only demanding responsibilities for other people. What about a fucking perk for a change? Like my own family and children? And a relationship with a beautiful woman?

I am so fucking busy all the time. I never get a real break from working. Do you know why? Because I have no woman to make time for and relax. I can’t relax until I get that woman. I am stuck.

So, the summer has come. And I think of Helen in her low-cut dress that I saw her wearing once. But the memory is a sad one. Because all she did that day was talk to one of those white men that always hang around her and follow her around so that no one else can talk to her. And that’s who she likes. And what can anyone do about it?

I am suffering from sadness at the moment. And while I was being sad, I was thinking about a quirk in my personality. When someone has really hurt me and disappointed me, I can’t talk to them properly after that. Because the whole time, I am thinking about how much they hurt me. Even thinking of anything to say becomes very difficult. So this is the problem. How can you go back to having the old friendships and the old feelings for someone that you know doesn’t love you back? Now that you know it?

Newness

07.05.2024

I am on jury service. You are not allowed to write anything about it or tell people any details.

But there is something happening right now. I won’t go into it. So all of the energy has come flooding back. It took one moment. If you have been reading my diary, you will know me. You will understand. There is a guaranteed way of forgetting about all of your problems.

So I got myself a haircut, got myself a shave and took a shower finally. And then I took a photograph of myself to remember myself in this moment. Hope again. Trying again. Becoming new once again. The armour comes off one more time. If the sword is going to go into my chest again, then I will chance it.

In this photograph, I believe I look handsome and attractive. It doesn’t matter what other people think.

I am going to spend the evening reading. There is so much reading to be done.

I didn’t do exercise in the morning and I skipped breakfast again. I had to do exercise after jury service. But tomorrow is another day to try and get better. Tomorrow, I am going to get up early and do what I need to do. All it took was a change of scene and the stimulation.

My thought about Helen today. I think about her. It is not a secret. Every time I told Helen what I was doing, she wanted to do it herself. A language that I learnt. A university course. Photography. I wonder about what she was saying. Do you know, Girl 3 had all the same hobbies and interests as me? Potential Girl has the same interest as well. And despite having all of these things in common, I am not with any of these women. Despite talking to them all the time and being around them for six months plus in each case. It just goes to show you. It doesn’t matter what you do or who you are. There is always some excuse.

Greek Chocolate Biscuits; The Hunt, The Chase, The Trap: Reflections on the Game of Love; Volunteering; Art History Study

01.05.2024

today I want to be alone

with my dream

today I don’t want to feel

the apathy of the world

and its neglect

its lovelessness

its lack of attention

lack of observation

lack of sensitivity

this world that

can’t even see

the scar of separation

cut across my face

today I don’t want to see her

laughing and talking

with everyone except me

today I want to write to her

converse

convince

connect

the one made

out of electronic paper

the one that listens to me

the one that is

my dream

I ate some chocolate biscuits from Greece today. As I bit down on the unfamiliar taste, I wondered how the Greek palate was constructed. I was tasting a different country. A country where even their mouths have been ordered in a different way. Everything is ordered in life. These weren’t like the chocolate biscuits you get in England. A different system of beliefs and habits and learning. What do I really know about modern Greece? Nothing. I was raised in first a completely white British area and then I have lived for the past 23 years in an Asian area with almost exclusively Indian people.

I was talking to my friend and I commented that love is like making a trap for someone. You are trying to trap someone for life. My friend looked at me. He is kind. So he didn’t say what he wanted to say. Instead, he said that’s one way of looking at it. Everyone knows I am cynical and jaded. But what are you supposed to believe about love? Is it free will and choice? No, it is not. Your partners are chosen for you by society. You are led to the ones that are supposed to be like you. Even with the interracial relationships, they have had the other cultures kicked out of them and they do whatever the partner with the most power has. They forget themselves. In love, the one in love makes a plot. I will do this and then I will get her. All you do is make plots in your head. You conspire with your friends to get the other person. And then, you try your absolute best to hold onto them so that they won’t leave you. It is all a big, complicated, stressful game. The days are long gone when you chose one person and then you stuck fast to them for the rest of your life. It is the culture of convenience, the expendability of people, the massive numbers of population everywhere, the death of the idea of eternal love.

But, then, you see people that have been together a long time. In life, you have to remember one thing: you are Indian in a white society. You are different. It is not the same for you as everyone else. For everyone else, for all these Westernised people, everything is easy for them. And for you? Everything is hard.

Do you know that there has never been anyone in my whole life to ask for advice about women and dating? I had to make it all up from watching Indian movies. I only ask my friend now for advice because he is white and this is a white society and I have known him for a long time.

In the morning I volunteered in art interpretation. Then, straight away, when I left, I went down to the Japanese art gallery which I haven’t been to in quite a while. And I wrote some social media posts and talked to one of the new volunteers who had studied languages – I also study quite a few languages myself when I get time. I caught up with one of my main friends there. It was good to see her after a while.

I banged into a friend of a friend on the way home when I was printing off some portraits I painted for a friend. He complimented me on my art and was asking me about it. It came out quite well and I was pleased with it myself. Everyday, people compliment me. Except for the people you want to hear it from the most, the people you want to impress the most. They never compliment you on anything. They are never impressed with anything you do. This is life. There is nothing that you can do about it.

The only time I forget about being sad is when I am lost in the flow of creating. When I am working. In life, you might not have anything or anyone else, but you do have work. The work was supposed to be for my family. That work was my love for my wife and children. But in this culture, if you are Indian, you cannot even give love to anyone that you love. Such is life. Except. Except for this diary. Which is my love which I give to Helen:

i write with the flames

which burn inside me

I hunger in this fire

which burns me inside out

I thirst for the intoxication

of her black eyes

and the waterfall of her hair

Holiday Day 5: Marianne North, Kew Gardens in London, Queen Mary II Concert at the ORNC Chapel

30.04.2024

‘love skull’

when my heart was of glass

i threw it at your feet

and it burst

so i picked up each shard

with my fingers

and they cut me

then my heart was of shivers

and when I threw it at your feet again

you trampled them down

now my heart is so infinitely small in atoms

and i can’t find it to throw at you again

but still i am looking and hoping

watching and waiting

waiting and watching

breaker of my heart

Yesterday, I rushed my diary so that Helen could read it at night time. I missed out a few things. One of the highlights of yesterday at Kew Gardens Wakehurst was that me and my friend started walking in the labyrinth down there. There is a concentric circle labyrinth and you journey towards the centre. My friend was telling me that it was pointless, because you could have taken a geodesic route from the outside to the inner circle. We like to argue. I was telling him that I am a meanderer. I go the long route and meander into something. It is how I have lived my life. It is what I do on long walks. I like to dilly and dally and contemplate, smell the roses. You might be reading that and wondering how do I manage to get so much stuff done then? Because a journey is an adventure. How many adventures do you get in life? Work you have to do.

Speaking of work, I was telling my writer’s group where I volunteer (one of the many places) that love is work and work is love. Every night I write this diary to Helen. This diary is Helen. I am talking to her. What about Girl 3 and Potential Girl? Girl 3 used to read my diary. I don’t know if she does any more. And I’m not sure whether Potential Girl has ever read it. So why talk about them here? If I am not talking to them? I think about them. I see them much more often than Helen, who I never see at all.

My friend told me yesterday when I told him I have been writing for seven months to her and she has been reading my words every night that it was the greatest love story. If only I could get her. In practical terms, I should forget her now. I should erase her from my mind. But what does love have to do with reason and practicality? Look at her. She has a completely different perspective on life to me. She is Western. I am Indian. She comes from the city. I come from the village. We used to argue about things. But do you know the spirit of The Tiger? Romeo loves Juliet. Paris loves Helen. The Tiger loves difference. A warrior loves a warrior.

So, today, early morning travel to Kew Gardens in London to work on updating my tour script. It has to change with the planting and seasonality. There is also a new art exhibition around the grounds to incorporate into the script.

Then, there was a tour of the Marianne North Gallery – I requested it for the volunteer Tour Guides. It was amazing, from one of my best friends there. She is such a lovely woman and a lovely speaker. She answered all of the many questions that I had and took us through the life of Marianne North, the artist whose life I understand so much. And while she was talking, I noticed the theme of death running through her work which has interested me so much. Like me, she was all alone in the world. No company but the plants and her oil paintings. A solitary soul that adventured through life, that didn’t love a normal, secure life. Someone touched by death that fought to see what is living, growing, beautiful, colourful. She is without a doubt my favourite woman artist.

Afterwards I looked around. I was able to go into one of my favourite spaces which has recently opened up, the water lily house. The water lilies looked amazing against the black background of the pond – they have dyed it that colour with food dye.

We all met up for drinks (and lunches for some) in The Botanist, a swanky bar in the area. I tried one of their speciality soft drinks – raspberry, lychee and orange blossom. It was so perfumed and lovely. It was one of the most delicious drinks I have ever tasted in my life (and I have been in five star hotels, some of the best hotels and restaurants in the whole world).

I walked around Kew Gardens all day. The sun was out. I was in a place I loved. I had a nice lunch there with Harissa chicken, chips and butternut squash. But was I happy? I have started feeling sad again. I wasn’t in the mood to be in that bar. I didn’t want to be in the gardens without a woman. I am feeling the want again. But you know what, Tiger still smiles. That perpetual smile on his face is what the Buddha and Krishna always had. It is the smile of wisdom. Smile even if you don’t feel happy. No one is unhappy with you. Nobody wants to share unhappiness. So just smile instead. Psychology says if you fake an emotion, your body just feels like you are actually experiencing it.

Picked up a new uniform for volunteering there – as is often the case, I have to wear women’s clothes in these types of places. Even though I am muscular, the only size that fits me is women’s because they never have men’s in small. I had a chat with the Volunteer Managers – they are super nice and super likeable.

I picked up some plant books in the library and also managed to get some in the charity shop when I went down to the Old Royal Naval College in the evening for the concert in the chapel to celebrate Queen Mary II’s birthday. The music was sublime. As I was listening to it – the vocals always make me experience absolute pleasure – the music was evoking all the emotions of that place and everything that has happened in it. It was the composer’s birthday so we sang happy birthday to him. I wasn’t going to, but then I remembered that singing always makes you feel better about yourself. So I joined in.

Dinner was Thunderbirds Chicken in Canary Wharf. The holiday is almost over and then it will be home cooking again.

Two compliments on my clothes today. The gardener at Kew Gardens said I looked like a rock star. Every single person at the Old Royal Naval College said I looked really cool and really smart. I have my own personal sense of style – I don’t copy anyone and I wear bright colours and think about the combination of things. That’s why people like what I wear.

Even if you don’t want to carry on going, you have to think about your responsibilities and carry on going. Today I was so tired. I was walking about the world with no woman in it. No comfort. They did an experiment on monkey babies with a wire mother with food attached to it. The monkey babies suffered with the wire monkey. They preferred a stuffed toy which was soft and comforting, not the food. They spent more time with it. Comfort is missing from my life and I am suffering as a result. The man that needs a lot of love and affection is not getting it from anywhere. I am suffering from love starvation again.

Holiday Day 4: Wakehurst Kew Gardens and Oxted

29.04.2024

my mind is i think about you

my tongue is i talk about you

my ear is I ask for advice about you

my heart is I love you

My friend’s advice is never to write about Helen again and only talk about the other women in my life. He said that she is not going to value you unless you are going out of her life. But this diary is itself a conversation with Helen. Otherwise, it is redundant.

I woke up early in the morning and started doing my art history assignment. It is taking so long to do this one piece of work. I’m quite happy with what I have done so and it only needs minor amendments. I have a whole day to finish it off coming up soon.

My friend picked me up in the car and we made our way down to Wakehurst. A few ideas we discussed were having recycled English so that people could re-use it – just quoting from other people. Another one was my daydream of making a shirt from scratch: designing the pattern, making the cloth, dying it, cutting it up and sewing it all together. Other wacky ideas I have: creating a jelly and ice cream shop in London with exotic ingredients that you couldn’t get at other places. Other topics of conversation: the appeal of Sherlock Holmes, hydraulics and lake management, all the things I want to study and don’t have time for, how many books we had in our libraries at home. We talked about The Secret History with Donna Tartt where they all study Ancient Greek as a community. I told him how much I loved that book because I studied Ancient Greek at school and I was obsessed with Ancient Greece and the ancients myself as a youngster.

Wakehurst was amazing, with all these beautiful views that you can see. We started off in the Millenium seed bank – the conservation work which is what led me to Kew Gardens.

The two women at the ticket desk gave me a very wry look as we went in and even my friend noticed them both looking at me. He commented that I looked like a super rich person. It is an observation that other people have made before. One woman told me that my face just looks like cash. Another guy told me recently that I dress like a millionaire.

I had chilli con carne in the cafe and later some chocolate fudge cake even though I started off the trip with a triple chocolate muffin.

Today, all I could think about was Helen and having her with me in Wakehurst. Libido is up to massive heights.

I sat in a birdwatching observatory with my friend for perhaps the first time in my life across the lake but the most birds we saw were sitting in front of a swathe of trees.

We left Wakehurst at about five and went down into Oxted. We had quite a journey up the hill. We travelled through some quite boggy grass and then up a steep hill which was about 45 degrees we guessed. Then through some thorny undergrowth and obstacles up to the top. It was an amazing view though, even though I couldn’t get a good photograph of it on my smartphone.

We had dinner in an Indian restaurant with a group of young women that were celebrating a birthday. I ordered too much food and had to get it bagged up to take home at the end.

I was falling asleep on the way home, but I know that Helen is probably reading my diary. So I have made an effort to put together the photographs and to write this blog. Because I have gotten used to sharing my day with her. I still love her. I think of her as mine. I want to tell her every night that I love her and think about her. Maybe she will change her mind about me.

Tiger’s Bedroom

27.04.2024

I never used to have a bedroom of my own until I was eighteen. And even then, for years, we had the only computer in the house in my room, so everyone was always there all the time.

Since I have been a teenager, I have always had posters of women in the room. Women are beautiful and they are the most beautiful visions in the world to me. So why would I not want them around me all the time? The first poster was of Jennifer Lopez.

Today, I spent the whole day buying, building and putting the bookcase into my room. There were piles of books everywhere cluttering the whole place up and I am half way through so many of them or have just started.

This is how I have planned my room to look now. I moved the desk from the wall where the bookcase is now. So now I am sitting in front of the window which has the better view and the light.

You can see all the subjects I am interested in and all the languages I am interested in learning when I have the time. You can also see that I am a neat and tidy person. I like to live in beauty. I don’t want any mess around me. There is enough mess in human society and ugliness for you to have to see the same thing when you are at home.

We went down to the IKEA, me and my parents. I marvelled at the taste that you can buy in interior design so cheaply. So many different contexts that I travelled in throughout the day. And it all looked so good. I love interior design. Of course I do. I love all art and culture. I value talent. I’m not like other people that can’t give it its value.

When we’d got the bookcase, I built it together with my father. We did the job in about an hour. He was in charge, of course. I just followed the instructions and helped out without being told what to do most of the time. We were smacking the bookcase with our hands and slapping it about to get the dowel rods in and pushing the pieces together with brute force – that’s how we do stuff. We don’t need tools. We can do the job with our hands because we are tough and strong – although we did use the hammer here and there.

This is the bedroom where everything happens. I do most of my thinking here. I do my writing here at my desk. I make my artwork at my desk. I am always looking at beautiful people and beautiful things. And I just look at the books I own sometimes, thinking how lucky I am that I can be surrounded by art, culture and education.

The room has been planned and arranged by my mother. I didn’t choose the colours or the layout. She gave me the biggest room in the house for me. Women want to arrange their territory. Why would I interfere with that? With things like this, I let the woman have her way. I have lived in the smallest bedroom in the house for about seven years before this bedroom. I have lived in a shared bedroom for most of my life. I can live in any situation. But you can see how I have arranged and the stuff I build up around me. I try to live the life of beauty, art, culture and education.

There is a great feeling of satisfaction when you have arranged your space and the basis of your culture – your reading, writing, art-making and thinking space. Life feels organised for once.

The Sense of Injustice; Giving my Tour to Schoolkids; What Happens to You When a Woman Says No

24.04.2024

You are wondering. Yes, I thought about Girl 3. Yes, I was sad today. Yes, I thought about Helen. Yes, I was sad about her too. Yes, I thought about Potential Girl. And then, I also thought about the new interest in my life. If you are reading, I think about you. In your mind, you are free. You can think what you want. Nobody can take that away from you. And no one can take love away from you.

What happens to me when a woman says no to me when I ask her out? I stop talking to them. I avoid them. Why would you want to be around them after that? They don’t value you. Even when you try to force yourself to talk to them, you can’t any more. They obviously didn’t care that much about talking to you. They weren’t connected to you when you thought that they were connected to you. You don’t want to bother them with your presence when they are not even interested in you. And? You are disappointed in them and angry with them. Because you thought they liked you. But they didn’t. They don’t see you as a man. Anyone can say anything they want about it. Everyone says to me that you are wrong for not talking to them. People can say what they like. Where is the motivation to talk to them after that? They have just stuck a dagger in your chest. They hurt you. A lot. You have suffered. And then, these people want you to joke around with them and act as if nothing has happened, that you don’t care? This is this culture. A culture of lies and pretences. Where you are not even allowed to mourn in peace without someone destroying your mental composure by being right in front of you and you are never allowed to even touch them or be connected with them in any way.

I read a psychology article recently which argued that if you hold onto a sense of injustice, that it destroys your mental health. Look at the bullshit of this society. You have to hold on to the sense of injustice. Otherwise there would be no justice in this world. There would be no change, no revolution. Look at the sciences and the thinking of this so-called civilised society. They want to keep us down. They want us to spit out our anger. We won’t. It is what we are. Do you think Gandhi let them fuck him over with their injustice? Do you think he forgot about it? That is why there is an India that is not lorded over by the British. He didn’t think about his ‘mental health’ that this article is talking about. He didn’t care about himself. He cared about us. The people. For the people, your life is nothing. Your pain is nothing. Your blood is nothing. Everything is for freedom and justice and truth. And if you can’t sacrifice everything, then you are not a man and you are definitely not The Tiger. And we are The Tiger. That is what Punjabi men are known for. So we hold on to injustice. We hold on to our humiliation and the dishonouring of our mother. This is not Western ‘knowledge’, it is Indian duty. Jai Maa Kaali! Inquilaab zindabaad! Inquilaab sada zindabaad! Hail the Dark Mother Goddess! Long Live the Revolution! May the Revolution Live Forever!

20 schoolchildren. That’s how many I had for my tours that I have written about women, fairness and art history. The first group was amazing. They had this woman teacher that could read my mind. She was fantastically clever. Everything that I was saying, she got straight away because she told me that she has also been trying to shape the children according to feminism. So we worked together as a team shaping the minds of the children. If you want a teacher, that is the kind of teacher that you want in life. Someone that cares about justice and has social commitment. She was so pleased with my tour that she brought me over another group of schoolchildren so that I could deliver the tour to them! That was the proudest and happiest moment of my tours there in that context. And I hope that the seeds have been planted for the future.

The holiday is on. Two days with my friend, then about four days by myself. It is going to be amazing. Friday is just coming. I am excited.

The Bird Flies

23.04.2024

Sometimes I wonder how you can be happy in this life. Today, Girl 3 was sad. Sad things have happened. She won’t admit that she is sad and I can’t intrude on her like that. It is in the way that she was speaking. And, I like Girl 3. She is one of my best friends in those contexts, whether she thinks of me like that after I asked her out. How can you look at them and not be sad when they are sad? And she is flying away from me. It is happening. I knew it would happen. It has started. Her, I forgave for not going with me. Because the situation was different. She is not like that. Now, I am sad for her. But, she is young. The future is all open for her.

When someone is in my life, I don’t want them to ever go out of my life. But this is life, this is this world – you have to keep on watching them go out of your life. And? And? I cannot cry. Do you think that I can tell Girl 3 that I am sad for her and don’t want her to go? Of course I can’t. That is the situation. Maybe she will read and she will know.

If she was mean to me, I like to think it was out of love (and not because she hated me). So I forgave her every time.

So I was sad all day and I am sad now. That is life. You shouldn’t care for anyone. Because when you do, you have to be sad when they are sad and worry about them when they are worried.

But maybe, she will not be gone from my life. You never know. Sometimes, things happen. Even unexpected things and things you have realistically given up hope on. Pandora’s box always has hope in it.

So, for those reading, Girl 3 came a while after Helen. With Girl 3, I have not given her names. Although what I think of her as is Kali the mother goddess. Because she is all fire and rage. She has my personality. She suffers a lot.

What are the names that I have given Helen? So many names, because I have met her in dreams rather than in real life:

– Helen: the most beautiful woman in the world

– […] honey: because of her sweetness and the sweetness of her voice, the music of her words, and because of the country she is from

– Mallika-e-Hindustan: the Mistress of India (because I am India), because there is a word for what her name means in Hindi that is only very slightly different from Mallika (mistress)

– The Impossible Woman: because Helen is impossible to get, to talk to, to be with. She is the dream.

Whatever happens, even if Helen is with someone else now, I know that I loved her. I loved her. I asked her out. When I thought I saw even the inkling of a chance, I asked her out again. I never bothered her. When it came down to it, I told her that I loved her in front of everyone. I don’t care about the repercussions. I haven’t done anything wrong and nobody can say that I have. I am not going to accept it.

Even now, I think about her a lot. She didn’t let me love her, so nobody knows what would have happened there. One day, I will stop writing to her. One day, the news is going to hit me directly – I am going to have to see with my own eyes that she is with someone else. Maybe I have already seen it. That is the horrible thought.

The Many Forms of the Mother Goddess

13.04.2024

the three kisses

from the three flowers

the three pairs of eyes

from the three that I look into

in each kiss

there is a rose

and there is a thorn

in each kiss

there is life

and there is poison

this face that wants to turn away

this face that wants to hide

this face that is unknown

and my face

whose forehead

whose cheeks

whose lips

thirst for that kiss

and the result

So. Three women. There was supposed to be one. And when she was the only one I had and could think about, she didn’t say yes. Then the next one didn’t say yes. And now there are three. Difficulties with all three, including the one I haven’t asked out yet (maybe I never will – we will see).

With Helen (who is aloof but not nasty – although she has a temper as well – I have seen it) and Girl 3 (Main Frenemy, fiery and with my temper), the job is to rebuild everything and change their mind. It is going more successfully with the frenemy, believe it or not. Because she has my personality. Potential girl also has my personality. But with her, there are certain considerations and she is like Helen which is dangerous. In that she will treat a friend like a boyfriend and then hurt them when the moment comes. So you will always be unsure with her and you could be in for a lot of pain. And, like Helen and Girl 3, she can’t decide. So the best thing would be to leave her alone. But the thing is, can you think rationally about these things? You can’t. So with her, there is the cautious, cautious approach. If it looks like it, I will go for it.

Why not give up on all of them? If it is this difficult? Because I care about them and want to be with them. I think about them. I am intoxicated with them when I am around them. They might not think about me. But what can you do about that? When you have chosen someone to be with you, you don’t want them to be gone out of your life. I have known them all for a long time. I can see what they are like. Once you have them, they will be trustworthy.

In the Hindu religion, my mother’s religion, the mother goddess takes various forms. We are not like the West. We don’t just worship one goddess or one god. Our love is modelled on worship. You can love more than one woman. But you are only allowed to marry one. That is the modern condition. But without being able to love more than one woman, you would be screwed. Because when they disappoint you and turn you down, your life would be without any hope. Because how would you be able to love someone else? How would you be able to find the substitute to move on?

But Paris chose one out of the three. He chose the goddess of love.

Before in life, I moped when I was disappointed. Years wasted. When I could have been building a life. Because in some deranged way, I didn’t want to move on. Now, I will move on. I don’t have the time to waste any more. I have got through three disappointments in a row. Two at the same time – one from Helen. While I am watching and waiting for these three women, there are some potential candidates that have come into life recently. And they are showing the signs of interest. So things are happening again. What is not happening is that I am taking a serious interest in anyone else but the three women. Because I have seen them over time. I have developed the feelings for them. I have invested in them emotionally. Why start again when they are still in my life?

Lots and lots of tours today. One was for someone with one of those titles. He gave me a really good review. A woman thanked me so earnestly for giving me the tour and I talked to some PhD students who also really loved my tour too.

But the highlight of the day was something different. A little girl lost her owl ‘Hedwig’. I found the owl for her and reunited her with her friend. The family was so thankful afterwards, especially as I found her loved one so quickly. Just looking at her face made all the pain go away. In someone’s life, you are a hero and you gave them what they loved.

Achievement of the day? I used my French to talk to a lost child and locate her parents. One of the managers was impressed and asked me how many languages I could speak which impressed them even more.

Inroads into the art history assignment. I am thinking of doing a Biology ‘A’ Level as well since I am in the Gardens now and I am dead serious about everything I do. I will qualify myself so I can contribute. Because I love what I do and I do what I love.