Second Day of the Study Holiday

19.05.2024

Helen didn’t read my diary last night or today. Maybe she has finally stopped reading it. Maybe the game is over. The game only goes on as long as at least two people play. And this is the only space where the game is played. She is the one that has to quit.

What is life like without Helen? Or Girl 3? Today I was walking around in the sun. I looked at the couples. Some of them with children. How easy it would have been in another life to be walking around with a beautiful woman. How lovely it would have been to be in the sun with her. But, we live in the real world. As an Indian man, I was on the same level in this country as the old obese men walking around without anyone. Despite being handsome. Despite having all the accomplishments. That’s how the women here look at you. They lied and said that they had changed from the old days. They are still the same. They only see the fact that you are an ethnic minority.

Amazingly, other people were reading something I wrote that I shared on some of the WhatsApp groups I’m on. It is sunny. It is a Sunday. And yet, in the morning, two of my friends messaged me. They were talking to me. One invited me to her birthday party. Slowly, over time, people get used to having you in their lives. They remember you and they want to share things with you.

Valentine’s Park in Ilford is one of the United Kingdom’s favourite ten parks (2022). People take wedding photographs in the places that you can see here. I met a young woman planning her wedding with some family when they were walking through the walled garden. You can see how beautiful the park is when the sun is out from the photos I took today on my smartphone, a Google Pixel 7 Pro (photographs have been edited on Adobe Lightroom Classic).

This park is local to me but I haven’t been in it this whole spring. The whole place was magically transformed into a lush wonderland. Nature will always surprise you – every single year.

I managed to finish reading the book that I needed to read. And then I managed to get the notes about the literary influences on the image that I am looking at. I have established a good, original thesis. Something I find quite interesting. Something I hope will get me the best grade.

I discussed revenge with my friend. Revenge is an ideal in traditional Indian culture. You live for your revenge. The people that dishonoured you and your women, your mothers. They have to pay for it. There is no forgiveness. Bide the time. Wait for the opportunity. Keep your anger. Hold onto humiliation. And then, when the iron is warm, strike the hammer. For this revenge, the occasion will eventually come. The people are angry. The people are like me. A wounded tiger is more dangerous. And the older the enmity, the more dangerous it becomes (to quote an Indian film). All it will take is one spark. One day, men will be born into this world again. And then, we will burn the whole motherfucker down. Keep the spark alive, even if you can’t see it burst into flames in your lifetime. Inquilaab zindabaad! Inquilaab sada zindabaad! Jai Maa Kaali! Long Live the Revolution! May the Revolution Live Forever! Hail the Dark Mother!

The enemies of The Tiger that are in power live in fear. They rule like cowards. They are not real men. They hide behind guns and buttons. They can be destroyed simply through words. These little words that you type on a keyboard on your desk. Each one is a weapon blessed by the gods. Ideas will bring them down to their knees and they will crawl like the dogs that they are. Never lose hope that the new day will come. It is coming. You sense it every day.

freedom is not satisfied

honour is hungry

the community of the oppressed

cry for relief

there is one jungle

where the tiger reigns

that jungle can be yours

that jungle welcomes you

protects you with its shade

puts you in drink with its rain

clasp your hand in the tiger’s palm

swear allegiance in the dream of revolution

become the ferocious

become the angry

become the beast

wild

ungovernable

terrible

take off the skin of tyranny

and become human once more

The Journey to Recovery

14.05.2024

you want to fight until you fall

you want to stand

until your feet form roots in the ground

until you sense the deep waters below

you want to swoop down

catch the fish in your beak

you want to demolish every wall

every door

that stands in the way

you want to rip the air with the knife

but all you can do is to sit

sit at your desk

tapping some keys

the dance of the fingers

trying

just one little poke at the world

just one little push

you are not standing

I can get up early in the mornings again. It has been a week. It took me eight months to get here – that’s how long the journey to recovery took.

Psychologists can’t define what resilience is. It is me. No matter how shit things get, I bounce back. The Tiger stays alive, angry and hungry. Because he has cubs to give, produce and raise, so that The Tiger can live again in the future through them. Loyalty to the dawn of time and the origins of what is now called India dictate the resilience of The Tiger. Love for The Tiger dictates the life of The Tiger. For love, you would burn in hell for the thing or the one that you love. Without a moment’s hesitation.

Do you want to know what it looks like to be sick in the disappointment of love and the suffering of death? It wrecks your body. It wrecks your mind. This is what I looked like when I had my long illness:

And yet, here I am. Full of energy and power. Because I have self-respect, love for us as a people, strength and the ability to overcome suffering and transcend death. I have been raised in the religions of power.

And there is still the mission. When he was dying, Nelson said ‘Thank God I have done my duty’. The mission is still there before me.

And? Helen is still in my life. Girl 3 is still in my life. While they are in my life, there is still the hope. I am watching and waiting. I haven’t forgotten. I don’t forget. They are women. They change their minds. They can be won over. Soft water on a hard stone, drop by drop. Patience. Carefully, carefully. There is a chink in the armour. She reads this diary every night. Her mind is open to me.

Leander swam to Hero every night across the Hellespont so that he could love her. And Leander knows that Hero is the priestess of Aphrodite, the goddess of love. She worships love.

14.04.2024 – Diary Entry – Conversations in the Day

What does the Tiger think about? These are the conversations I had with friends at work and outside of work today:

Beauty and Escape

I saw her this week. And I was in one of the most beautiful places in the world to me this week. When you see someone beautiful and you are in a place of beauty, you lose all your cares. And imagine speaking to this beautiful woman, looking at her, listening to her, loving her… For a moment, she is with you. You walk on the clouds and the sun shines in your heart.

My view on transsexuals.

India has had transsexuals in the village for thousands of years. I have met them. We have no problem with them. There is no issue. They live their own lives. What is the Western preoccupation with the issue of transsexuals? And why can’t they just let them do what they want? My philosophy in life is very simple. Live and let live. I don’t have a problem with someone changing their sex. It is their life. How is it going to affect me personally? They only way it would affect me personally is for my love life. And for that reason, I would never date a transsexual woman. Because I want a biological baby of my own and they would not be able to give me that. So that is my position on things. Acceptance, but with a limit. Because for the way I have been raised, a woman is a mother. Western feminism might not like that. So what? I am Indian. We worship the mother goddess. We worship Mother India, who is modelled on the mother goddess. The women we love, we see them as the mother goddess. That is our ideal of femininity.

Is the only way the Western way?

Even in the little villages in other countries, the little children wear western clothes, watch western films and listen to western music. So, you might think that there is only one way – the Western way. But India is not dead in us yet. I watch Indian films. I listen to Indian music. My grandparents and my mother managed to preserve our culture for me by keeping me to the old, old ways. The six thousand years of history are in me to pass on. There is a torch that is passed from generation to generation. Some cannot carry it – they are too weak. They corrupt themselves with egotism, selfishness and greed which is what many in this generation of people celebrate in the West, with its inhumanity and injustice. The Western way is not the only way. There is still the way of the warrior, the way of the Tiger.

Is there a Judas in everyone?

Betrayal is the worst thing. And yet, most people will betray you. Usually for money. So, yes, there is a Judas in everyone.

Tempted by the devil.

Wouldn’t it just be easier to be selfish, a douche bag, to only think of yourself and just grasp at whatever you can get without any morality? Of course it would be easier. But it wouldn’t be right. How would you be able to live with yourself after that?

But when you try to be nice, people think you are weak. They try to walk all over you. The women won’t love you if you are nice. You finish last. In ‘The Way I Met Your Mother’ which I watched, Barney is the guy that lives like a selfish, douche bag, just mindlessly fornicating. His back story is that he used to be nice and worked in charities to help people. But then, he realised what you get when you do that – the ones you love break your heart. They can’t love you. Do you know who is Barney? Me. I used to volunteer all the time and try to help everyone around me. But you know what? Even though I know I don’t get anything out of it – and the women won’t love you – I am not going to change into the bad Barney. Because even though I have done some wrong things in life, at least I can still look in the mirror and not see someone that I despise. I can’t give up on my social commitments. It is who I am. And I am not going to let anyone take that away from me. Even if it means no love.

Choice does make you strong.

Because I am in a career which I have chosen, because I have committed myself to the fight in education for us, the community of the oppressed, because I have committed to save the world from itself, I am strong. I feel powerful. You know where this energy comes from? From my belief. In myself and the power of us as a people. Because I have chosen my own fate. Despite everyone else and what they wanted me to do. I am not the sheep that follows. I am the Tiger that has the followers.

Suffering amongst my friends and family.

Everyone is suffering. Everyone is hurting. So much needless pain. But without pain, there is no understanding and there is no empathy and altruism. I suffer. Other suffer. We suffer together. You look at the people in every day life. Each of them suffer so much. But they still put on their brave faces and walk out in the public, hiding their hurt. The young people with their mental health problems. The older ones suffering from depression and the suffering of the heart.

The religions of the Tiger.

We worship the mother goddess. We worship the Sikh gurus and Guru Ravidas who fought against oppression and for the rights of us, the lower castes. The mother goddess rides on the tiger. So when I call myself Tiger because that is my name of power, it is not arrogance. It is because our mother rides on top of it. She is the powerful one. Her name is power. I am the vehicle. She is the source. In the Sikh religion, the men call ourselves Singh or ‘Tiger’. To fight for justice. I come from the religions of power, the religions of the Tiger. The Tiger is our ideal. And I am The Tiger. Whether or not you literally believe in the religions is irrelevant – you are judged by whether you act according to the religion and Dharma – the ways of our laws which are fitted for each individual.

Why is no one happy in this culture?

When it is supposed to be an ‘advanced civilisation’ which satisfies the pursuit of happiness? Because most people don’t have a sense of self fulfilment from a mission and a destiny. There is only one unhappiness in my life. The lack of love. And that is because I am an Indian in a white society. However much anyone denies it.

Arguing independence with a young woman.

Apparently, cleaning and cooking are what freedom means to this young woman. Ridiculous. What freedom actually means is having the space for thought and doing literally whatever you want whenever you feel like it. And that is what I have. I am a god and have the freedom of a god, just like my name ‘Suneel’ says.

The Protestant Revolution in thought and individualism.

Being able to read and interpret the words is the foundation of everything. Despite everything else, that is the one revolution in the world of the individualistic west that I support. It might be an exercise in individualism, but the only real individuals are The Tiger. Everyone else is faking it. Because only I have truly independent and original thought. It has been acknowledged by everyone that has read my academic work and is in the profession. I am the one that is wildly original. Because I am The Tiger.