22.04.2024
In whatever this is with Helen – it is a relationship without a relation – I am not even friends with her, not her boyfriend – it is, as Henry James described it, ‘a flirtation without the benefits of a flirtation’ – I have achieved what we would think of as impossible. I have loved her without loving her. I haven’t even touched her one single time except by mistake. I have talked to her without talking to her – this is what this diary is. I have looked at her without looking at her – out of the corners of my eyes. She is the impossible woman. I have had to become the impossible man that pursues the impossible relationship with this impossible woman.
How much thought. How much time. How much investment into her. And what is in my hand? Nothing. I paid a price for love. It was an extortionate price. And despite paying all the costs, I had something taken away from me. My hope.
And, after one and a half years of effort, here we stand. It has been a tiring game. I have tried to exit this game so many times and take Helen out of my life. Every time, I keep on saying, never talk to her again. Possibly, the game is completely over. Possibly, she is with one of those men that follow her around. They are white. You can’t compete with them if you are Indian – that is this society and the women in it. There is nothing you can do about it. Absolutely nothing.
And this is the powerlessness of this situation in Western society for us. You have to watch the same story unfold over and over again. If the men they go with are not white, they act like white people. You can’t force someone to love you. So there is nothing you can do about it. You are on a perpetual trial with these women because of your culture. Nothing is ever good enough for them. It doesn’t matter how much you care about them. They will never accept you or look at you like a man. Because you are not a man to them. You are something else. Something less than a man.
And who are they going with? These low testosterone little boys that have never fucking grown up with their inane conversations. No achievements. No original thoughts. No fitness. People that I wouldn’t ever entertain the thought of going out with in a million years if I was a woman.
But it is what it is. You can either give up. Or you can hope to meet just one person out of all of these women here in this country that is not like that.
You know, I talk to different women almost every week on these apps. Helen has the opinion that I am not eligible. But other women don’t think that. I am still attractive. I have always been attractive. It has just been the question of meeting someone that I am interested in. Some of these women are very beautiful. And there is a particular ethnicity that finds me very attractive I have discovered. And I am not talking about Indian women.
I was looking at a woman today that I have recently met somewhere over the last few days. I have literally done nothing to her and she avoids me. For no reason. And then, I saw her talking to a white guy, white like her, and she was smiling at him and making an effort to talk to him after the first time of meeting him. What do you expect? Some if not most of them are like that. You get used to it, even if you don’t like it and think it is wrong.
Unlike some of these women, I don’t tar everyone with the same brush. You have to keep on hoping that you will meet the one that is not like them at some point. They literally all can’t be the same. Some of my friends are not like that – they are in relationships with men from other cultures that are not white. That’s how you know that you can trust them.
So, the loser in love speculates on the women in his life in this white culture and this white life. He is a loser in love not because of any other reason but because of the culture in which he was raised. These women think they are all unique individuals and their ‘choice’ is their freedom. That is their false consciousness. They are not free. They are controlled by a white supremacist society and patriarchy. That is their love.
So what happened today? The highlight was fish and chips for dinner. And shopping in Marks and Spencer’s for lunch tomorrow. There are two things you never lose interest in in this world – food and women. However disappointing women have been for you, you always find interest in the new ones that come into your life if you are attracted to them. And that is the luckiness of evolution and women. They complain all their lives that men are attracted to them and approach them. But without that attraction, why would anyone ever make even the first move? It is the elegant thinking of mother nature to keep the human race going, the impetus behind every ambition and every move. The beautiful woman. And thankfully, in this world I am moving in at the moment, there is always a new beautiful woman that comes into it. If number one says no, there is number two. If number two screws you over, there is number three. And now, there is number four. And if things aren’t going to happen with number four, a new interest comes into the picture. So, that is what is happening right now. Indian people have a saying – he who tries never loses. The prize is the family and the child. The biggest prize in the whole world: the future.
diary of a lone man 