24.12.2023
You, my diary, are the one I can tell almost anything to. We have our own little, world, the world of dreams. But because I share you, there are even some things that I don’t tell you. Who knows who is reading? This diary is one of the most dangerous things in the world. Because we live in a world which is afraid of and hates honesty. Which hates the most natural of feelings in the world – love, desire, want. A world of separation, isolation, hate, apathy. But this world that you and me have, diary, this is a world of love, desire, want, union, hope, real diversity and acceptance, a world in which you want to live.
I was at work so I spent all day working with and talking to a stranger. This often happens now in my life. We got on well. She was a nice person and we worked well together. It is always interesting looking into the world of another person. And she showed me the ropes because I am not too familiar with that place. I also bumped into one of my other friends over there who I had worked with in several different places. It was good catching up. She gave me a hug when she saw me and is a really affectionate person.
One of the customers at work, just when she was about to leave, started asking me about my black velvet suit jacket. She obviously wanted to buy it for someone because she was so impressed about how it looked and was wondering where to get it. I told her where I bought it. This black suit jacket has attracted so many women, got so many compliments, impressed so many people now. It is still my lucky jacket even despite the unlucky meeting with her. In my life, right now, people are always complimenting me on my clothes all the time, which makes me feel good about myself. I know it is vain. They are just clothes. But they make me feel good when I wear them, they illustrate my taste and my vision and my style. They are important to my identity. Suit jackets are particularly important to me because my grandfather wore a suit so I try and wear one as much as I can too.
As I was sitting and eating dinner, I got two messages from the dating app, two likes. I looked at it after dinner. They were two Indian women in the area. Apparently, because it is Christmas Eve and they feel lonely, they have searched me up as an Indian man at almost exactly the same time. I felt sad for them, especially because I wasn’t attracted to their profiles. They wanted someone. They were hurting. This is the time of year where people feel loneliest, when they watch everyone around them with families. They were both about my age. These were some of their last years to try and have a family of their own. I knew what their struggle had been in life to find someone as an Indian myself – you have to fight against everyone for love, for choice. For someone that just loves you for yourself and nothing else. In a hostile, apathetic, selfish, grasping world. I knew what their struggle was right now, how bad things must have been. I wanted to send them a message of support. But this is the world. We live in the world. I didn’t like them back. I didn’t message them. They were not for me. I hope that they will find someone.
What people reading my blog may think – being from this culture – is that because I talk about meeting someone and because I have candidates in my life that I think about – that I might be desperate. I am not desperate. If I were desperate, I would go out with the many women that like my profile on the dating app or try it on with just anyone. I don’t try it with just anyone. I only go for someone that I am physically attracted to, have a genuine connection with and that might be right for me. Everyone else is just a friend and that’s where they are going to stay. People tell me to drop my standards – that is not going to happen. If I wanted to settle, I would have settled a long time ago. It is everything or nothing with me. I am not a dog that will pick at any scrap of love that is given to me. I have self respect and respect for someone else’s love life. I would never treat them like an object for my gratification or to make myself feel better or to make anyone else feel bad about them. Because love is important for me and it should be important for other people as well. I’m not that sort of person. I am serious.
diary of a lone man 