Holiday Day 4: Wakehurst Kew Gardens and Oxted

29.04.2024

my mind is i think about you

my tongue is i talk about you

my ear is I ask for advice about you

my heart is I love you

My friend’s advice is never to write about Helen again and only talk about the other women in my life. He said that she is not going to value you unless you are going out of her life. But this diary is itself a conversation with Helen. Otherwise, it is redundant.

I woke up early in the morning and started doing my art history assignment. It is taking so long to do this one piece of work. I’m quite happy with what I have done so and it only needs minor amendments. I have a whole day to finish it off coming up soon.

My friend picked me up in the car and we made our way down to Wakehurst. A few ideas we discussed were having recycled English so that people could re-use it – just quoting from other people. Another one was my daydream of making a shirt from scratch: designing the pattern, making the cloth, dying it, cutting it up and sewing it all together. Other wacky ideas I have: creating a jelly and ice cream shop in London with exotic ingredients that you couldn’t get at other places. Other topics of conversation: the appeal of Sherlock Holmes, hydraulics and lake management, all the things I want to study and don’t have time for, how many books we had in our libraries at home. We talked about The Secret History with Donna Tartt where they all study Ancient Greek as a community. I told him how much I loved that book because I studied Ancient Greek at school and I was obsessed with Ancient Greece and the ancients myself as a youngster.

Wakehurst was amazing, with all these beautiful views that you can see. We started off in the Millenium seed bank – the conservation work which is what led me to Kew Gardens.

The two women at the ticket desk gave me a very wry look as we went in and even my friend noticed them both looking at me. He commented that I looked like a super rich person. It is an observation that other people have made before. One woman told me that my face just looks like cash. Another guy told me recently that I dress like a millionaire.

I had chilli con carne in the cafe and later some chocolate fudge cake even though I started off the trip with a triple chocolate muffin.

Today, all I could think about was Helen and having her with me in Wakehurst. Libido is up to massive heights.

I sat in a birdwatching observatory with my friend for perhaps the first time in my life across the lake but the most birds we saw were sitting in front of a swathe of trees.

We left Wakehurst at about five and went down into Oxted. We had quite a journey up the hill. We travelled through some quite boggy grass and then up a steep hill which was about 45 degrees we guessed. Then through some thorny undergrowth and obstacles up to the top. It was an amazing view though, even though I couldn’t get a good photograph of it on my smartphone.

We had dinner in an Indian restaurant with a group of young women that were celebrating a birthday. I ordered too much food and had to get it bagged up to take home at the end.

I was falling asleep on the way home, but I know that Helen is probably reading my diary. So I have made an effort to put together the photographs and to write this blog. Because I have gotten used to sharing my day with her. I still love her. I think of her as mine. I want to tell her every night that I love her and think about her. Maybe she will change her mind about me.

Holiday Day 1: Cuxton in Kent

43000 STEPS TODAY – Slightly sore feet.

Because it is my holiday, I managed to wake up early in the morning and just get out of bed after doing my reading of the newspapers in Hindi and Punjabi and after reading some Urdu poetry. I was able to get up and do meditation, chi building exercises as well as weights. I managed to have a full breakfast. I managed to do some reading.

And then my friend turned up in the car to drive us down to Cuxton in Kent.

I contacted five of my friends at work in the morning or replied to their messages. All women – most of my friends are women. That is just how it is nowadays. They were never in my life. I needed them in my life. I have them in my life now.

When we were driving there, I saw Dartford Bridge for the first time in my life. It was an amazing sight

We passed by Rochester castle which looked absolutely beautiful and imposing in the distance.

Arriving in Kent was like arriving in another world, another time. It was so green and relaxed. It was amazing. We parked in a residential area and as we walked out into Kent, I saw the most beautiful wild garden which had masses of bluebells in it. It was the sweetest introduction into the area.

I had brought my little pocket telescope with me and my friend likes bird watching so he was teaching me how to do it. We saw a kestrel, a sparrow hawk, a seagull, blackbirds, a buzzard, etc. We also heard a cuckoo and looked around for it. He has been a teacher and is good at it. But to be a good teacher, the greatest thing is patience – which he has in abundance.

I saw a tree felling site for perhaps the first time in my life and we crossed over an actual railroad crossing which I don’t think I have ever done either.

In Cobham Woods, the most amazing piece of architecture was there, Darnley Mausoleum. This is Grade I listed mausoleum built for the Darnley family in 1786. It was never used.

We went into Cobham church and had our lunch on the bench outside. I had two massive sausage rolls with a San Pelegrino soft drink. The volunteers in the shop started talking to us and one of them was wearing a knitted flower to support someone that didn’t have the money for an expensive medical drug. They were surprised to learn that we weren’t local, these two elderly women.

The church dates back from the 1200s as we found when we looked at the bodies buried inside. It had amazing stained glass windows and was really impressive when you looked at the altar. Everyone knows my personality and how my mind works. I was thinking of having Helen, Girl 3 or Potential girl with me at the altar exchanging vows. I imagined them in their white dresses and holding their hands and kissing them.

There were beautiful flowers, trees and animals everywhere on the walk. We saw a beautiful red fox, we saw a stampede of bulls flinging themselves wildly in the woods, and then lambs too.

I was telling my friend all sorts of things – why I watch children’s films and read children’s books (because they are written by adults and are just as sophisticated as adult’s fiction, because they are exciting and things and adventures happen in them). Asking for advice about Helen and how to get her. Asking for advice about how to talk to women. Asking about his family, about the next day we are planning together this week. Asking him about what he wanted to do in life, what it was like to get a bit older, what language he would like to learn, talking about films and literature and art.

We talked to an old lady in the woods in front of her house for a while, learning about the politics and the forest management in the place. She had a wonderful garden which she had lovingly tended. All the gardens there were wonderful, immaculate.

We had conversations in the cafe while I ate a chocolate brownie, outside another church which was closed to the public and then in the pub where I had a lime and tonic. My chair vibrated wonderfully in the pub for some reason – we couldn’t figure out why it did.

For dinner, we ate out at this wonderful Thai restaurant – a massive amount of food. Spring rolls with chicken satays and peanut sauce and Tom Yung soup. Then seafood grill, beef curry, noodles, yellow curry and steamed rice. It was amazing. Some of the best Thai food we have ever tasted in our life. The women there that served us were super friendly. It was a really well decorated restaurant as well, and we ate our food next to the Koi pond with the Ganesha statue.

Next Rochester town centre with all of the young women going out for the night and laughing and joking, and then Rochester Cathedral and Rochester castle seen from outside in the moonlight. Full of food and happiness with the day.

The white rose which represents my love for Helen is prospering.

‘Chocolate House Greenwich – Society, Intellect and Chocolate in 1700s Greenwich’

Old Royal Naval College

22.04.2024

This opinion reflects my personal views in my capacity as a private individual and does not reflect any consensus or anyone else at any of the organisations I work at or volunteer for.

Ascending up the stairs to the exhibition space on the mezzanine, you see a window through which you glimpse another world, another milieu, the past. It is a rare interior scene of a coffee house, one of the new forums for public debate that shaped the modern world. The customers are reading the newspapers that created the imagined community and fostered and nurtured the Western nation-state. Thus begins the historical journey into the Chocolate House in Greenwich. We are guided through a sort of window onto the past.

Behind another window, we then see the esteemed lady that ran the Chocolate House on Blackheath as one of the many women in history that have provided the world with its unique and wanted things. It is Grace Tosier ‘at the height of her powers’. Her eyes stare at us in the portrait through time. We are sharing her vision. She is the character that is leading us through things, the guide, the model: a strong, independent woman in a capitalistic culture. The heroine for this time and this society.

We learn that the Chocolate house served royalty. It then ‘became the Georgian equivalent of a celebrity hotspot’. So now we experience the glamour of the place.

The exhibition now shifts its focus. The story changes. We start learning about the origins of chocolate in South America, how it came to Europe, how it involved the morally reprehensible evils of a capitalistic society which evolved from slavery and exploitation. The trajectory of the story has shifted. We have come to a moral reckoning of the realities behind the glamour of the chocolate house. A confrontation with evil.

At this point in the story of the exhibition, like a huge wild monster from the imagination, we see a glorious display of the Cacao Tree rising up on the wall against a black canvas. The plant is covered over in insects. Why this image? The beauties of nature? The absolute origin of chocolate depicted without any varnish, perhaps, warts and all? The idea that the comforting illusions of capitalism, when the veil of ideology has been ripped off, reveal an insect-ridden reality?

The story of the exhibition journeys next into how coffee houses enabled ‘the free discussion of the latest ideas, unrestrained by the protocols of the royal court.’ In the light of what was before, the implications begin to produce a result: the free speech of this country is founded on the fruits of slavery and exploitation. It is an implicit link.

There are quite a few interesting pictures to ponder over at this junction in our journey which reflect the culture of the times, so that the task of time travel is further enabled.

Now, there is the context: Greenwich. So the place is elaborated.

A table draped in a table cloth reveals the production process of chocolate.

We then move onto the last years of the Chocolate House. And we see an image of what the building might have looked like from the outside.

Finally, the piece of the resistance: the final destination of our time travel. In a room, we enter the chocolate house. We are fully immersed now in the space. There is a life size reproduction of Grace Tosier’s image as we descend down the ramp to meet her face to face. A video plays in the space to complete the immersion not only through space in the room, but through vision, sound and characterisation. We have travelled backwards through time into the space of the chocolate house.

What do we make of this exhibition? It covers a lot of ground to make a coherent narrative: this was the chocolate house, with all of its social and political implications at the time, with its basis in capitalism, exploitation, slavery. With its enabling of social mobility at the same time for women like Grace Tosier in this context. All of the pertinent facts are presented. There is balance. And there is a stimulation of the senses with pictures and videos alongside the curator labels. There is the face of Grace Tosier to characterise the whole scene, as well as the images from the country of origin with the people there.

You get a sense of historical immersion in the chocolate house. You get a ticket into time travel into Greenwich in the 1700s – a unique virtual reality experience. An enabling of the imagination. A real journey into another place and time.

My overall sense of the exhibition is that it is interesting, unique, well researched and well thought out. In addition, there were labels for the children which would make them interested in this topic that they love too – chocolate (and the pictures to stimulate their imaginations). This was a conscience driven exposure of the past and its evils, the foundations of the public forums and the discussions that they bred that have lasted into the present, the foundations of the modern day nation state and its present evils in the evils of the past.

I did feel a certain want in the exhibition – I wanted to know more about Grace Tosier, the character that we meet face to face. A curiosity about her. But of course, the reality is that while we have a name and an image, we cannot expect a biography in a historical exhibition like this. Part of the fun is imagining her life, too. Part of the fun is being stimulated to know more – and the chocolate house exhibition certainly does this. So, in summation, a stimulating and unique experience which fosters a self-reflection on the economic and political origins of our public forums and our public discourse, what has made us and this state into what it is today, a real journey. A real experience of learning.

Future You: 21st Century Skills Exhibition

London Transport Museum

19-22 April 2024

These are my own personal views of the exhibition and do not represent any of the views at any of the organisations I am working in.

This exhibition is a triumph of energy and imaginative problem solving from the children, the future. It is a reaffirmation of the fact that the human race has always solved any problems that have come into its path and will do so again. That we do not lack inventiveness and ways of thinking around and through things. Even with problems that we have created for ourselves. It is a reaffirmation of optimism in the world and in the future of our children and the species. This world which we have spoilt can be fixed. That is the message of the exhibition.

Six primary schools were set an imaginative task in collaboration with the London Transport Museum – they had to find solutions for the climate change crisis. Aliens had told them that their planet was no longer liveable and they needed to start over again in an environmentally friendly way. The inspiration for their planet-friendly technology was to come from animals and plants.

As I walked around the masses of reclaimed cardboard boxes and lollipop sticks, the resourcefulness of the children was in abundant evidence. These cast away objects had been magically transformed. They had become something again. They had become the visions of the future. The tinkering of the children, with the artistic designs, showed their enviable creativity and collaboration skills.

Inventions were strewn about everywhere like a mad scientist’s frenzied laboratory:

‘The Helpful Bumblebee cleans the air and rubbish. The Earthly trees stop flooding and pollution as well as cleaning the Earth and so prevents coughing and sneezing. The Legendary Pigeon sucks in pollution through its nose.’ (Exhibition Text).

The models for each of the animal inspired inventions were cute and beautiful in their way – the innocent and sweet and simple beauty of children’s art and the infantile imagination.

The young artists and inventors had become curators too, and told us about the most interesting and important facts about the exhibits in the museum. It was beautiful to see what they had learnt and what had inspired them to share.

A nice touch was to show an old poster that imagined the future in London as a skyline with skyscrapers and flying vehicles. The idea that we have always dreamed of a better future for transport, that we have always had dreams which have changed this world that we live in for the better, that allow us to make a fantasy world that we live in in reality. The strength and far seeing sight of our mind’s eye.

This was a beautiful exhibition – full of dynamism, an adventure into a mad scientist’s laboratory. An excursion into possibility and the resilience of the children’s mind that can respond to the death of a world to create new life and new beginnings, to build a world entire, the world of the imagination. The desire for a better world from the innocent that have not been corrupted by dismay and stagnation in the selfishness and greed that is around us. But which rejuvenates itself in animal and plant life, in caring and positive change.

One Day at Work in the Museum as a Tour Guide/Visitor Experience Assistant

20.04.2024

Another day where I spent the whole day talking to people and smiling at them. Here’s how the day went. Here’s how it is to make education real in this country for people, so that they are immersed in the culture and the heritage that make London what it is and their lives what they are.

9.40-10 am – Before the day officially begins at 10 o’clock, I go down and arrange the ticketing desk. It is a charity. It helps the others get the day started without having to rush around. This career in education and in the enjoyment of education and culture is my choice, my vocation. I put in extra time however busy I am. It doesn’t matter if I have to do tasks that aren’t the most exciting in the world, the most glamorous or that give me status.

Satisfaction in knowing that I have done extra for others and for the museum. It is my love that I am giving.

10am-11am – Welcoming guests into the museum and telling them the layout. Giving them the narrative of the museum and showing the children how to use the trail cards, teaching them about the history of the exhibits.

Satisfaction in knowing that I am telling the people that have come in about the story in the museum – the history of us in London and how our world has been arranged. Satisfaction in giving the children an adventure – how many adventures do you get in life?

11am-12pm – Giving the customers the art tours that I have written about feminism and art. Compiling statistics about the tours and collecting feedback cards.

Satisfaction in knowing that I am spreading education, satisfaction in knowing that my writing is reaching people and having an impact. Getting a reaction about the knowledge that I am spreading face to face.

12 noon – 1pm – Covering breaks in some of the galleries and talking to people, ensuring the safety of the customers and checking that everything is stocked up and working. Reporting issues to get things going again. Telling the customers about the architecture in the building and some of the most emotive stories about the collection. Handing out little presents as mementoes to the children and some of the visitors.

Satisfaction in helping people, in taking care of everything, in spreading education face to face.

1am-2am – Patrolling the most popular gallery. Talking with each of the customers to see how their day is going. Talking about the exhibits. Stamping the trails.

Satisfaction in giving people attention and making the day for the children with their stamps. Satisfaction in spreading education.

2am-3pm – Welcoming guests into the museum again and telling them the layout. Giving them the narrative of the museum and showing the children how to use the trail cards, teaching them about the history of the exhibits.

3pm-4pm – Lunch

4pm-5pm – Giving the customers the art tours that I have written about feminism and art. Compiling statistics about the tours and collecting feedback cards. Emailing the tour statistics.

Satisfaction in collecting the numbers and showing the evidence that we are giving the visitors a great experience and something extra.

5pm-6pm – Seeing a new art exhibit at the museum which was created by children.

Satisfaction in how beautiful my role is and how I get to see all the wonderful exhibits in the job that I love.

‘Day Off’: The Season of Pain Continues; First Official Kew Gardens Tour; Lunch Date with My Mentor; Travelling with Stranger Children; Westminster Abbey and the Notre Dame Exhibition; Leaving Drinks

05.04.2024

My Day Off is never a day off. It is always work stuff. Work has taken over my life. It is the only thing that I have in life really. It has always been that way. Whatever I have done, I have never met anyone to start a family with. So the only thing is to compensate with work.

Now it is the leg. It hurts in several places. Quite badly. Stinging. First the back. Then the paper cut. Now the leg. Pain follows me. It is the season of pain. Not just physical pain in the body. But also mental pain. I have made the mistake of trying to be around non-Indian women. It is my own fault. It doesn’t matter what you do with them. It is never enough. I didn’t listen.

It was the first official Kew Gardens tour in the morning, the first one after I passed the assessment. I got really good feedback, which felt good, as I wrote the thing. It was particularly pleasing because one of the customers had been quite angry about something before she came onto my tour, so I changed her mind about the Gardens. The other thing was that I had children on the tour and one of the other volunteers told me that they came back to give me some really great feedback as well. So a success on all counts.

Afterwards, I had tea with one of the other volunteers that came onto the tour with me, to catch up on some stuff. She is Indian. Therefore we are friends. We have community spirit.

It was lunch with my mentor afterwards. He is such a genuine, friendly, wonderful guy. So I treated him to a meal with me in the orangery. And he bought me a present because I had recently passed the assessment – a beautiful book about the Latin names of plants. This is the second book that he has given me. He knows my weakness – that I love books and learning. That’s the wonderful kind of guy that he is. The book is a piece of art and I will treasure it forever. It is rare in my life to be given a present.

Afterwards I travelled in the Kew Train in a compartment with a young mother and her children. The family started talking to me, especially the children. They were asking me all sorts of questions. I like being around children. They are innocent and friendly and curious. They are not boring. As the sun shone in their eyes and I watched their unfeigned actions and conversation, I thought how wonderful it would have been to have been sitting in that train with my own children.

Kew palace was open so I went inside. Every single one of the women actresses inside came up to me and talked to me. It is a fact that I am good looking. So when someone sees me for the first time, they are impressed. One of them complimented my clothes which is happening more and more recently. But it just surprises me how women are always trying to talk to me nowadays when they get a chance. One of them, I spoke to for quite a long time about conditions for young people and I gave her some advice.

On the way to the station, I bought a book of political quotations from the charity bookshop.

I travelled down to Westminster Abbey and got quite a good shot of the policemen on horseback before I met up with the volunteers for an after work visit at one of the places I am at. It was really wonderful to marvel at the magnificence and beauty of Westminster Abbey. I couldn’t believe that more people from work hadn’t come. It was an amazing experience. I was mesmerised by the Gothic vaults and the rose windows, the stained glass. The ambience of the place was awe-inspiring. I also felt companionship with the greats of English writing – Thomas Hardy and Charles Dickens whose plaques were there. The guy that was in charge there gave us lots of information.

I had another surprise with the Notre Dame exhibition. It was a video game type format, a virtual immersion into the building and the past of the cathedral. It was wonderful. Real time travel. I really enjoyed the whole experience and felt special that I had been able to do it in such peace and tranquillity.

The last stop of the day was the leaving drinks at my other work place. I sat there for about an hour before I had enough. I can’t watch people drinking and getting silly over it. It puts me off. I didn’t do it when I was young and I don’t drink myself. I am not used to it. I have been taught that drinking is wrong. And then, the same thing that always happened happened. I started missing the woman at my side. The beautiful day that I had had was spoilt. So I had to rush off.

I sat in Mcdonald’s and gorged myself on some Thai sweet chilli chicken wraps and fries. And I had a Zero Cola to try and cheer myself up.

When I got on the tube back home, the trains were all delayed and I started burning up. So as soon as I managed to get home, I stripped down to my boxer shorts so I could try and cool down and write this diary.

Three contexts that I am in done in the same day. That is my life right now. Just work. Nothing else. What else is happening in my life? Yesterday, the woman I matched with on the dating app turned out most probably to be a fake and a dating fraudster. I keep on getting messages from the dating apps because I am not using them. What is the point? There are no women. That is what I am trying to realise in my life. I am only attracted to beautiful women. I can’t settle. And they won’t go with me because I am Indian. So that is the situation. And I never meet any Indian women anywhere that are attractive enough or single and that I can start a family with. Society has fucked me.

The Festival of Colours

25.03.2024

My holidays are at the end of April. I have decided to give up on Scotland for the time being and go to Italy on holiday with family. I have said that when we get there, they can do what they want and then I will do what I want and we can just meet up at night time and in the mornings. The first two days of my holiday I will just spend with my friend in a driveable distance in the countryside and nature.

I was going to just go somewhere by myself but the thought of being a foreign country all by myself all day doesn’t particularly appeal to me.

Social Media stats:

300+ impressions on each LinkedIn Post
13 impressions on each Instagram Posts

I should actually just delete my Instagram account. It is useless.

It is the festival of colours today. Time to repair relationships and begin anew. And in fact, because I was around certain people for a while (why cover it up, Girl 3 and potential girl), I don’t feel that bad. Because even if nothing is going to happen with them, you can date them in your mind. I get on well with them. I like them. Just being around them, talking to them and looking at them makes you forget about your problems.

All my friends want me to give up on Helen. I have tried to give up on her three times. Twice by not talking to her. Once by going with someone else. Helen herself has never given me any encouragement. She has said no twice. Yet look at how stubborn and senseless the human heart is. Even now, as I am writing these facts down, I am thinking about being with Helen. I am waiting for her to change her mind.

If it is this hard to just take the first little baby steps, how hard would everything else be with her? But then, you make the excuses to yourself. She has some kind of situation. There is the thing I heard about her from someone that slipped out, whether I heard it or understood it properly or not, whether or not it is just a misunderstanding on my part or a false memory.

But maybe this is a false problem. Because she has to make all the moves now. So if she doesn’t, I can’t do anything. Those are the rules. I have already asked one more time than I am allowed to. So I just have to be around her, thinking about her and not being able to do anything. Otherwise, I would not only feel like I was bothering her, I would probably be bothering her.

Because Helen is like she is, because the situation is what it is, I am having to talk to other women. That I am not even interested in.

What am I doing to change my fate? I need to meet some new women somewhere that I am actually interested in. It is not working on the dating app. They like my profile. They even reply to my messages. But then, nothing happens. And what are they saying that is so interesting? All they are is pretty faces. It is boring and not satisfying. I have more intimate and satisfying conversations with the women I already know.

The only place I can think of is the dance studio. Someone told me not to go there and don’t use it for that. What does he know anyway? There is bound to be someone single there that I could be interested in. I really should go to the slow dancing with someone. Those celebrity women went out with the male dancers in Strictly Come Dancing even though they literally have nothing in common with each other. Because all love is is being around someone all the time on a shared project and that’s how you fall in love. Just create the intimate moments. I will be holding a woman around the waist. I will be holding her hands. We will be moving together in beautiful music, looking at each other. I am still good looking and I know how to talk to people. It is not rocket science.

I will have to think about it. Helen is extremely unlikely. Girl 3 is extremely unlikely. Potential girl is extremely unlikely. And I don’t want to ask potential girl out because if I do and she says no, I’m not going to want to talk to her again. And I’m looking at the lifestyles of these women that weren’t raised like me and I know it would be very difficult with them. But when you love someone, you make allowances for them and you compromise. If they let you – that’s the issue.

The problem for me and everyone else is that I have been raised like an Indian woman in a village. No staying out all night. No drinking. No pubs and clubs. No hanging around anywhere where there might be any women. I have been raised to stay at home and look after my family. To do things with the family. To think about the family first. And now, when it comes to having my own family, all that is creating is problems. When you become institutionalised, you can’t just get up and leave. It is who you are.

If the Indian women in this country could just have been attractive enough for me and didn’t have such arbitrary demands on me as a man, if there were more of us in this country that actually had arranged marriages so that you could actually have an actual choice with these women, I wouldn’t have any of these problems. But what can you do? You are stuck in the box that you are in.

So I can either do nothing. Or go to the dance studio. Unless I get a better idea from someone else. I will have to ask one of my friends at work what to do, some women that are just friends. Maybe they will be able to point me in the right direction.

Face Troubles Again; The Heroine: The Story of the Mother’s Day Flowers; Holidays Booked and Travelling; Forcing Myself

10.03.2024

Face recognition troubles are increasing. Because she was wearing different clothes, I didn’t recognise the person from that context on the tube yesterday. I thought it was her. Then I thought maybe it just looks like her and then I ignored her. Because it is weird to say hi to someone on the tube if it isn’t that person. It sounds like a chat up line. That was the minor one – because I kind of recognised her, or at least I thought it kind of looked like her before I changed my mind. The major one was today. I spent the entire morning talking to that person, someone I’ve never met before. And then, later, because she was wearing a hat instead of wearing her hair down, I didn’t recognise her any more. I thought it was someone else that was there. I only found out because I asked her if she had been at the other place where the flowers came from because I hadn’t seen her there.

You know, when I was a kid, I thought it was really stupid that no one could recognise Superman as Clark Kent in the comic books because he just wore glasses. Now it turns out that I’m even worse than that. All they have to do is change their clothes or cover their hair. Then I can’t recognise a woman any more, even like today when it was literally just five minutes after I finished talking to her.

They gave out Mother’s Day flowers to some women in that context today. Someone joked that I had given them to someone. Actually, I helped to transport those flowers. I took someone up in the lift that was carrying them. As we were talking, I asked him about the lady with the crutch that refused to go in the lift to go up. What was the reason behind it? Was she scared of being in the lift? The man told me that she wanted to prove that she could do it and she wanted to get the exercise from doing it. She is a very resilient woman. I have watched her struggling up all those stairs with the crutch. He said it was silly. I told him that it wasn’t. I told him that I admired that woman. I have admired her since I have seen her doing it. You have heroes and heroines in every nook and cranny in this life.

She is like my grandmother. My grandmother would walk everywhere to save two pence on shopping on a product. Even though she had bad knees. Because that money she saved would be for her sons when she left them it. Because she had come from poverty. Because she had to leave everything behind in the Partition. The poor and the oppressed have a superhuman strength. That generation. That generation that raised me. While we were in the lift, that person told me that their mother had died forty years ago. I told him that was sad, that I was born around that time ago and that you never really lose someone. You think about them every day. So that’s how those flowers came to those women. Through that journey I took and through that conversation.

My holidays have been booked for the end of April. I have asked my friend if he is free and am waiting to find out. I am going to go to Scotland and the Hebrides – either with him or by myself. It is going to be an exploration of the natural world with some time in Edinburgh. Someone asked me if I ever go on holiday today. Because I haven’t taken a holiday from work for about two years really. The reason I haven’t gone anywhere is because I have been waiting for someone special to go with me. For a long time. I have them all saved up: Athens, Rome, Florence, China, Japan.

Actually, I have probably been to as many places as other people. I used to go camping in Wales every summer with my brother and his friends. I have been hiking in the mountains in Nepal. I have been hiking in Iceland. I have been to Washington D.C. on a business trip with my brother for the museum and the botanical gardens and the bonsai garden. I have been to Spain and France with my family. I went to India in the village as a child. I have been to Abu Dhabi and Dubai several times with my family. I have been to some of the swankiest hotels and restaurants in the whole world. How many other places do you need to go to? I don’t like travelling that much. You never meet anyone there. Other people aren’t interested in doing the things that I want to do. It is very expensive and I keep on thinking the money would be better spent elsewhere on something productive and useful.

The best holiday experience I have ever had was when we were in Nepal. I was the only one that could speak Hindi in the group which they speak out there. One guy got sick because he ate the meat there which the rest of us avoided. As a result, we had to change our plans while he got better in the hostel we were staying at. Back then, I can’t remember my age, but I believe it was early thirties. They had a young woman there in the hostel that was a university student. The older women trusted me and the others for some reason, and they sent her with us by herself to explore the local area. The only one that she could speak to was me. So I spent the whole day with this young woman Bobita talking to her about her life and her plans for the future. She guided us around. She took special care of me. When I got leeches on me, she took them off my leg, ignoring all the other men. That was the most beautiful holiday experience – because I had the companionship of a nice woman and learnt about her culture. When we got back, the older women – her relatives – told me to take her back home with me and marry her. And she would have done if I had asked her – because she comes from the same culture as me, since Indian and Nepalese culture are the same. When we left the hostel, she was sad and she gave us her contact details so we didn’t lose touch. But she was nice but not my type. So I didn’t contact her ever again – I’m not stupid. She would have thought it was something else and I might be a lot of things, but I would never hurt an innocent woman on purpose.

Anyway, I am putting up some of my holiday diaries up on my ‘About’ Page here if anyone wants to read them. As one document ‘Holiday Diaries’.

I forced myself to do the right thing given the situation and the feelings of someone else. What I wanted to do was to take them out of my life completely. Because every time I look at them, I remember what happened. The disappointment. If it was anyone else… But it is not someone else. It is that person. With Girl 1 and Girl 3 – who it was more understandable that she said no so it was easier to force myself to talk to her and be friendly with her – I haven’t forgotten the past. It is not the same any more. Even now, I make sure that there are topics that I won’t ask them about because I don’t want to know who they have or are going to choose over me and I don’t want to think about them and their lives all the time. But this is life. You hide your sadness. Because no one will ever share your sadness with you.

Some Instagram Artists I follow and adore, with brief notes

12.02.2024

Instagram is one of the biggest free art galleries out there. I follow thousands of artists and have been doing so for about seven years now. The contemporary art scene is amazing, inspiring, beautiful. I wanted to share some of the artists in 2D I have been following and a few personal reasons why. These are just a few brief notes before bed time. I am the fan of so many people, and the student (as a digital artist myself). You can find each of the artists on Instagram with the names given.

Waldemar_kazak

Beautiful rendition of the figure. Beautiful colours. To me, the character design seems so full of vitality, so whole. An eye for beauty.

Grantdraws

Thoughtful cartoons, a lot of them about reading. I am a bibliophile so it appeals to me. The drawings have a charming naivety even though the writing can be quite subtle. Always interesting to read.

Itsnotaboutwork

Quirky illustrations of animals usually. Highly enjoyable and diverting.

Leilaleiz

Dark style, beautiful women. Intense themes. Not to be seen at work as scenes can be quite revealing.

Paulwearingillustrator

An amazing, clean and fresh graphic art style that is reminiscent of twentieth century posters. The shapes are always super interesting.

Thedhimangupta

Bright, colourful women’s faces done in a comic book style. Very intense, simplified and super interesting and effective.

Borispelcerart

Chaotic and highly detailed drawings and paintings, often with elements from the human figure. Amazing colours.

Loisvb

Beautiful, charming and cute style and vivid colouring. Mostly female characters that are immensely lovable.

Johnholcroftillustration

Interesting concepts beautifully rendered in this clean and crisp illustration style.

Karljamesmountford

This art is literally incredible: exciting, crowded, enticing. A lot of book covers which is my kind of thing, being as I am so into books.

Danygartman

Everything this guy does is incredible – the style is amazing. Simplicity and detail are married and there is a rich tapestry and blend of colours.

Olivierbonhommeillustration

Crystal clear, vibrant and exciting images. A gift for character illustration.

Megbuddart

Charming, colourful and cute. A good variety of different subjects.

Kunstkrake

Dark themes in bright colours. A lot of focus on the body and the nude. Reminds me of a modern day Hieronymus Bosch

Victongai

Enticing images touched by the influence of Asian art. Painstaking and perfectionist, beautifully crafted images with a lot of life and character.

Justingerardillustration

Brilliant character design in a fantasy/traditional art style. Inventive, beautiful, a crowded canvas and a visual feast.

Zerodeluxe

Black and white vector illustrations from a graphic design background. Effective, inventive, beautiful to look at, inspiring.

Flaroh

Bright, colourful. A lot of themes from mythology. Super interesting and inspiring.

Aj_nye

Vector design from a master. In one word: awesome. Stimulates the imagination immensely.

The Courtesies of Two Warriors; Finally, the Park in the Morning; An Unexpected Present

11.02.2024

My latest piece of non-fiction and analysis which I wrote today (In the series, 2024: Year of the Fight):

https://diaryofaloneman.home.blog/2024/02/11/how-westerners-see-indian-tradition-and-indian-mothers-analysis-of-the-t-levels-tube-poster/

DIARY FOR TODAY:

We have become two warriors. Hardened, crafty. Wise in battle. Whatever anyone thinks of it, it is a war from two opposing camps, two different ways. The two warriors extend each other the sincerest of courtesies. It has become important to be courteous, to obey the forms. We have both danced and duelled with each other a few times before. Both of us know the dances, the courtesies, the forms and the shapes, the whys and the wherefores, the dancers, the dancing, the music, the beat. Both of us are wary, the wariness of the wounded. We watch each other out of the corners of our eyes, waiting for the first moment of the war or the first steps of the new peace. Peace has become unfamiliar, peculiar. There is no time for the dances. There are many bodies in the way of the dances. Still, the two warriors extend each other the sincerest of courtesies. It has become important to be courteous, to obey the forms. We have both danced and duelled with each other a few times before. Nothing is more familiar. Nothing is more uncertain. What is the nature of this new dance? I watch the other warrior to see what the moves are going to be. The other warrior watches me. The game has begun again, but what is the game now?

In the morning, I got up fairly early after managing to get some sleep in the night. So I managed to do meditation, chi building and weights. When you are doing that exercise, you can unleash the Tiger, all the aggression and power. The weights aren’t that heavy – maybe I need more. Because there is a lot inside. I also managed to get in breakfast although – like with the exercise which I cut short – I cheated – it wasn’t my usual, just a bowl of cornflakes and milk. But because I managed to get out fairly early, I could go into the park next to Canary Wharf station. I stood there and some woman came and stood next to me. There was a whole park. But, always, they come and stand right next to you all up in your space. Why? Because we are social animals perhaps. Because maybe she wanted to see what I was looking at in a case of visual envy. Maybe she was mindlessly and unconsciously following me as her guide into unfamiliar territory out of a sense of curiosity.

Someone at work bought me in a chocolate brownie which they had baked themselves. This is perhaps only the second time that someone has specifically bought me a present at work (although my best friend in all the places I work in loans me books I am interested in). It is my personality to remember gifts like that. Because it shows that someone has been thinking about you and wants to make you happy. It shows that they like you. I said it before, and I will say it again: Thank you. It really made my day. Particularly because some people know that I associate chocolate with love (because it simulates the hormones associated with love).

Book haul today:

– The Twentieth Century in Photographs (my PhD included the History of Photography)

– The History of the World in 100 Plants (for the Gardens)