05.04.2024
My Day Off is never a day off. It is always work stuff. Work has taken over my life. It is the only thing that I have in life really. It has always been that way. Whatever I have done, I have never met anyone to start a family with. So the only thing is to compensate with work.
Now it is the leg. It hurts in several places. Quite badly. Stinging. First the back. Then the paper cut. Now the leg. Pain follows me. It is the season of pain. Not just physical pain in the body. But also mental pain. I have made the mistake of trying to be around non-Indian women. It is my own fault. It doesn’t matter what you do with them. It is never enough. I didn’t listen.
It was the first official Kew Gardens tour in the morning, the first one after I passed the assessment. I got really good feedback, which felt good, as I wrote the thing. It was particularly pleasing because one of the customers had been quite angry about something before she came onto my tour, so I changed her mind about the Gardens. The other thing was that I had children on the tour and one of the other volunteers told me that they came back to give me some really great feedback as well. So a success on all counts.
Afterwards, I had tea with one of the other volunteers that came onto the tour with me, to catch up on some stuff. She is Indian. Therefore we are friends. We have community spirit.
It was lunch with my mentor afterwards. He is such a genuine, friendly, wonderful guy. So I treated him to a meal with me in the orangery. And he bought me a present because I had recently passed the assessment – a beautiful book about the Latin names of plants. This is the second book that he has given me. He knows my weakness – that I love books and learning. That’s the wonderful kind of guy that he is. The book is a piece of art and I will treasure it forever. It is rare in my life to be given a present.
Afterwards I travelled in the Kew Train in a compartment with a young mother and her children. The family started talking to me, especially the children. They were asking me all sorts of questions. I like being around children. They are innocent and friendly and curious. They are not boring. As the sun shone in their eyes and I watched their unfeigned actions and conversation, I thought how wonderful it would have been to have been sitting in that train with my own children.
Kew palace was open so I went inside. Every single one of the women actresses inside came up to me and talked to me. It is a fact that I am good looking. So when someone sees me for the first time, they are impressed. One of them complimented my clothes which is happening more and more recently. But it just surprises me how women are always trying to talk to me nowadays when they get a chance. One of them, I spoke to for quite a long time about conditions for young people and I gave her some advice.
On the way to the station, I bought a book of political quotations from the charity bookshop.
I travelled down to Westminster Abbey and got quite a good shot of the policemen on horseback before I met up with the volunteers for an after work visit at one of the places I am at. It was really wonderful to marvel at the magnificence and beauty of Westminster Abbey. I couldn’t believe that more people from work hadn’t come. It was an amazing experience. I was mesmerised by the Gothic vaults and the rose windows, the stained glass. The ambience of the place was awe-inspiring. I also felt companionship with the greats of English writing – Thomas Hardy and Charles Dickens whose plaques were there. The guy that was in charge there gave us lots of information.
I had another surprise with the Notre Dame exhibition. It was a video game type format, a virtual immersion into the building and the past of the cathedral. It was wonderful. Real time travel. I really enjoyed the whole experience and felt special that I had been able to do it in such peace and tranquillity.
The last stop of the day was the leaving drinks at my other work place. I sat there for about an hour before I had enough. I can’t watch people drinking and getting silly over it. It puts me off. I didn’t do it when I was young and I don’t drink myself. I am not used to it. I have been taught that drinking is wrong. And then, the same thing that always happened happened. I started missing the woman at my side. The beautiful day that I had had was spoilt. So I had to rush off.
I sat in Mcdonald’s and gorged myself on some Thai sweet chilli chicken wraps and fries. And I had a Zero Cola to try and cheer myself up.
When I got on the tube back home, the trains were all delayed and I started burning up. So as soon as I managed to get home, I stripped down to my boxer shorts so I could try and cool down and write this diary.
Three contexts that I am in done in the same day. That is my life right now. Just work. Nothing else. What else is happening in my life? Yesterday, the woman I matched with on the dating app turned out most probably to be a fake and a dating fraudster. I keep on getting messages from the dating apps because I am not using them. What is the point? There are no women. That is what I am trying to realise in my life. I am only attracted to beautiful women. I can’t settle. And they won’t go with me because I am Indian. So that is the situation. And I never meet any Indian women anywhere that are attractive enough or single and that I can start a family with. Society has fucked me.
diary of a lone man 