The Festival of Colours

25.03.2024

My holidays are at the end of April. I have decided to give up on Scotland for the time being and go to Italy on holiday with family. I have said that when we get there, they can do what they want and then I will do what I want and we can just meet up at night time and in the mornings. The first two days of my holiday I will just spend with my friend in a driveable distance in the countryside and nature.

I was going to just go somewhere by myself but the thought of being a foreign country all by myself all day doesn’t particularly appeal to me.

Social Media stats:

300+ impressions on each LinkedIn Post
13 impressions on each Instagram Posts

I should actually just delete my Instagram account. It is useless.

It is the festival of colours today. Time to repair relationships and begin anew. And in fact, because I was around certain people for a while (why cover it up, Girl 3 and potential girl), I don’t feel that bad. Because even if nothing is going to happen with them, you can date them in your mind. I get on well with them. I like them. Just being around them, talking to them and looking at them makes you forget about your problems.

All my friends want me to give up on Helen. I have tried to give up on her three times. Twice by not talking to her. Once by going with someone else. Helen herself has never given me any encouragement. She has said no twice. Yet look at how stubborn and senseless the human heart is. Even now, as I am writing these facts down, I am thinking about being with Helen. I am waiting for her to change her mind.

If it is this hard to just take the first little baby steps, how hard would everything else be with her? But then, you make the excuses to yourself. She has some kind of situation. There is the thing I heard about her from someone that slipped out, whether I heard it or understood it properly or not, whether or not it is just a misunderstanding on my part or a false memory.

But maybe this is a false problem. Because she has to make all the moves now. So if she doesn’t, I can’t do anything. Those are the rules. I have already asked one more time than I am allowed to. So I just have to be around her, thinking about her and not being able to do anything. Otherwise, I would not only feel like I was bothering her, I would probably be bothering her.

Because Helen is like she is, because the situation is what it is, I am having to talk to other women. That I am not even interested in.

What am I doing to change my fate? I need to meet some new women somewhere that I am actually interested in. It is not working on the dating app. They like my profile. They even reply to my messages. But then, nothing happens. And what are they saying that is so interesting? All they are is pretty faces. It is boring and not satisfying. I have more intimate and satisfying conversations with the women I already know.

The only place I can think of is the dance studio. Someone told me not to go there and don’t use it for that. What does he know anyway? There is bound to be someone single there that I could be interested in. I really should go to the slow dancing with someone. Those celebrity women went out with the male dancers in Strictly Come Dancing even though they literally have nothing in common with each other. Because all love is is being around someone all the time on a shared project and that’s how you fall in love. Just create the intimate moments. I will be holding a woman around the waist. I will be holding her hands. We will be moving together in beautiful music, looking at each other. I am still good looking and I know how to talk to people. It is not rocket science.

I will have to think about it. Helen is extremely unlikely. Girl 3 is extremely unlikely. Potential girl is extremely unlikely. And I don’t want to ask potential girl out because if I do and she says no, I’m not going to want to talk to her again. And I’m looking at the lifestyles of these women that weren’t raised like me and I know it would be very difficult with them. But when you love someone, you make allowances for them and you compromise. If they let you – that’s the issue.

The problem for me and everyone else is that I have been raised like an Indian woman in a village. No staying out all night. No drinking. No pubs and clubs. No hanging around anywhere where there might be any women. I have been raised to stay at home and look after my family. To do things with the family. To think about the family first. And now, when it comes to having my own family, all that is creating is problems. When you become institutionalised, you can’t just get up and leave. It is who you are.

If the Indian women in this country could just have been attractive enough for me and didn’t have such arbitrary demands on me as a man, if there were more of us in this country that actually had arranged marriages so that you could actually have an actual choice with these women, I wouldn’t have any of these problems. But what can you do? You are stuck in the box that you are in.

So I can either do nothing. Or go to the dance studio. Unless I get a better idea from someone else. I will have to ask one of my friends at work what to do, some women that are just friends. Maybe they will be able to point me in the right direction.