30.11.2023
So, work isn’t giving me what I want. I am thinking what to do next. I am re-evaluating my life. I got into this industry to meet the right people. Is that really happening? I have some really close friends that I have made. But then… This work was for a particular aim – that is the whole motivation behind it. When you are not achieving the aim, is it worth it keeping at it? How worth it is it? The thinking about it is all being done right now.
The diary is at its lowest ebb. After the conclusion to the story that was happening, and everyone reading knows, there is nothing happening. I opened up everything. Now, that side is closed up. I’m not going to talk about it. So the interest in the diary has gone. And, added to that, I am not sharing the diary with anyone. If anyone wants to read, they have to check out my blog themselves. Yet, there are still people reading and re-reading the posts. No idea who they are, what their motivation is, what they are finding in the diary. Before, I hoped it was someone. Now, who knows? What is there to expect out of anyone or any reader in this life?
Recently, thinking about relationships has taken over. It is taking away the thinking about other things and using up all the resources. I’ve been sucked into the games I didn’t want to play. But was I better off when I just stayed in the family and mostly by myself in my solitary activities? Why have I let myself get involved in other people and their issues (because I need something from them). It would be so nice not to need anything from anyone again like I was before for so long and didn’t expect to meet anyone, know anyone, care about anyone. It is when you expect and when you desire that this becomes your fate, your struggle.
I am trying to get into reading again. I managed to read about plant science, quotations and fiction today and yesterday. There is so much going on but I have always read throughout my life. I just need to find that focus and that curiosity again. When you have problems, they spoil everything. I don’t want everything to be spoilt. Forget about the past. Move on. Don’t let other people spoil things for you. You have a nice life. You have a big, juicy, disciplined and important brain. The things that you know and are capable of knowing are things that have eluded people for thousands of years. You have six thousand years of continuous culture. You are the voice of your people. The opportunities you have had have given you a responsibility to make your mark on the community for the people. You have had the education of an emperor, not a normal man. You have to pay it all back. Get into the right head space and perform. It is hard work that makes an ordinary person into a genius, the voiceless into the writer, the marginalised and peripheral into the central and the most important. Jai maa kaali! Live to fight another day. Jai maa kaali! Forget, forgive, forge ahead. Jai maa kaali!
diary of a lone man 