The Consolations of Being Single

25.06.17

In one of the pages of Mrs. Oliphant’s long and incredibly boring novel, Miss Marjoribanks, the unlikeable heroine consoles herself. She is astonished that she has not received many offers for engagement. As a result, she dwells on the stupidity of men and their lack of discernment. It is a commonplace of the singleton to console themselves in such a manner. There is the narcissistic contempt of members of the preferred sex which validates one’s own existence. Can these people not see that I, too, am worthy of love? They are blind and ignorant.

I want to update the narcissistic contempt of the singleton for our own times in my own words as a singleton. It has been many years since that rambling Victorian novel has been written. How do singletons console themselves now? Here is a little list of arguments.

1. I’m happy that I didn’t settle.

As I watch the couples around me, I am often amazed at how they can be attracted to one another. Not only do I find the females unattractive, but I also can’t understand what the women see in the men. To my mind, these people have settled. Clearly, my assessments are based on physical beauty, and so what? I don’t believe this is superficial. The same people that prefer shared interests in a partner are more superficial with their blind conformism. Those who talk about “personality” and the cult of the individual also avoid the reality that most people in our society are fundamentally the same underneath everything. I, the singleton, can still pursue beauty and the dream of beauty. Although I have forgiven women in the past for not being what I have dreamed of them, I can, as a singleton, worship the goddess without any guilt or pangs of conscience.

2. I’m happy that I didn’t have to change myself for somebody and I don’t have to do what I don’t want to do.

One watches the slow tussle for control in the relationships around oneself. The woman has to change herself for the man and the man has to change himself for the woman. This is despite the fact that the change that is being asked for is completely unreasonable. In putting themselves into the shackles of a monogamous relationship, the people in a relationship have to become different people. Thus they have to do what they don’t want to do almost all of the time. An obvious example yesterday was in the shopping centre and seeing the bored look on the faces of the men while the women looked through handbags and shoes. In a relationship, you have to talk about things that you don’t want to talk about and feign interest in them. You have to go places you don’t want to go and eat food that you don’t want to eat. You have to spend money on things that you don’t want. The singleton has something which someone doesn’t have in a relationship: independence and freedom. No relationship responsibilities outside of the family. You don’t have to pretend to be someone else.

3. I don’t have to put up with the family (and friends) of the woman.

When one has been in a family one’s whole life and has never had a break from being in a family, the one thing that one doesn’t want is another larger family. Especially one composed of older people telling one what to do all the time. One also doesn’t have to make friends with a bunch of strangers that one’s partner knows, even if one secretly dislikes them.

4. I don’t have the burden of keeping secrets from the other person.

In life, one learns very early on that you cannot tell other people everything that you think. It can be very destructive to say what one’s honest opinion is in our society as people hate the truth. Being out of a relationship, one doesn’t have to incessantly lie all the time to the other person. The stress of lying is therefore avoided, as is the responsibility to be always cheerful.

5. I keep my personal space.

I don’t have to share activities with someone all the time and can pursue my activities in solitude without any disturbance.

6. I don’t have to feel the hurt in a relationship.

The less said about how painful a relationship can be with arguments and suchlike, the better. It is a horrible experience.

There are possibly other arguments. The general drift of my arguments obeys the rules of narcissistic contempt for others that do not give me love. Only so much has changed from the days of the Victorians.