Diary Entry

12.04.2024

I just came back home from an overtime event – 23.17 right now (diary finished at 23.41). In that event, I greeted and talked to literally every single woman that came in. They were dressed in their finest clothes, beautiful dresses. It was a black tie, glamorous event. In this job, all I do is talk to women all day sometimes. At the museum, them and their children are the main demographic.

Leg is fine as long as I walk around. It is standing still in one place or sitting at one place that is causing the pain. So today I did 27513 steps and I feel fine.

I was thinking about the one single Punjabi woman I ever asked out. I was in my late twenties back then and she was in her early twenties (fate is that I only ever meet women younger than me). She accepted and told me that she would come on a date with me. But then, she stood me up. If I had had more experience back then, I would have just asked her out again. But I didn’t have experience, so I didn’t. I could have had my children with her at the right time. She studied art history at the Courtauld. I wonder what she is doing now? But I will not look her up. I wonder if she ever wonders what would have happened if she had gone out with me? Same culture. Same upbringing. Both humanities scholars. It would have been good. She wasn’t the most attractive woman in the world, but then I am good looking enough to pass the genes on to the children and she wasn’t bad looking. I asked her out because she was Punjabi and to make my grandmother happy.

I am not a coward like the little boys in this country that can’t ask a woman out face to face. I don’t do it by phone or by email. I don’t sneak around second guessing myself. When I am sure, I am sure. And then I go for it. With everything in life. I don’t doubt myself.

My main frenemy was in a really good mood today. I haven’t seen her for quite a while. She was laughing and joking around with me. That is her normal personality. She is back to herself. Was it the holiday? Is it that she has a new person in her life? Or has she finally forgiven me? We will find out.

For this child, I have asked out women that I would never have thought I would ask out. Because the main factor is how they are going to behave around the children. That is first. My choice is second. So, first of all (after being the right age for the kids), kindness. For the children and for me. Then, the ability to converse. Third, looks. Even the ones that initially aren’t my type, you learn to think they are beautiful. Then, the accomplishments they have. So that my children can have them, including their languages if they have any and their cultures if they are different from British. And I prefer someone that can bring me genetic diversity for my children. Then, style (for me).

I spent about an hour talking to my friend in the context when I came in early. Her and me, we can talk and talk and talk together.

In the morning, I gave the tour I wrote at Kew Gardens. And, so beautifully, I had two young girls on the tour with their parents. The children were really getting into it, the older girl. She was running up to the front of the group to talk to me about what they were doing with plants at her school. And one of the young women with her mother asked me about what a botanist does. I was inspiring the young people for the future. It felt really good. I have put so many unpaid hours into this Kew Gardens project, lost so much pay. It is bearing fruit. Even if you just get one person interested, that is enough. Then it is worth it. The father really thanked me, and so did the mother.

I had my first meeting online at the place I volunteer for writing to bring about world peace through writing. It was good to hear the voice of the person I have been writing messages to. I know so many people now in so many different areas in life. Always people around me all the time. Everything has changed in my life since my time at my desk all day, researching and reading and writing. I set out to change my life. It has happened. There is just one last thing missing.

The young blonde friend I made in the Gardens was there today so I talked to her. She is super friendly to me. Maybe in time, I will know her enough to ask her. She is interesting, but I don’t know anything about her and there won’t be any opportunities. Right now, it is still the same situation. The hope for Helen and Girl 3. If either one of them change their mind. Then, there is potential girl. With her, there is uncertainty. If you can only ask someone once, you have to be pretty sure about things. And asking them directly scares them off. So there are still the three women in my life. Watching and waiting. Thinking about them. But they are perhaps all thinking of someone else.

HOLIDAY: Jealousy; The Mental Image of Helen; The Gardens and its Strangers; Merciless Fate; The V & A Late; Body Language on the Tube

22.03.2024

Even the people that read this diary probably think I should stop writing my thoughts about Helen. So what? In the same way I can’t force her to love me, she can’t stop me loving her, thinking about her and writing about her. When she stops reading, I will stop writing. I feel it is her reading in the nights. What have I said about her that is untrue or mean or unfair and unjustified?

Was Helen jealous of that young, beautiful woman I kissed yesterday? Well if she was, that is how I feel when I think of her being with anyone else. Except, for me, it is much worse: nausea and choking. And she has no right to be jealous. Because it is her that has chosen. Not me. Her. If I had my choice, she would have been with me for the past year and we would be planning our family already.

What is the mental image that I have in my head of Helen? It was just after I hadn’t talked to her for several months because I had decided that I was never going to talk to her ever again. And then, I had had to change my approach. She was sitting there. I nodded at her. She lowered her head with her black eyes fixed on mine in an exaggerated and formal manner. There was something incredibly cautious about the way she was looking at me. Her eyes were wary. There was a wary line of tightness about her mouth. She was looking at me like a defenceless person would look at a dangerous predator. Sometimes, I think of that look and, honestly, I laugh to myself. Because this is just normal life and it has taken on the dimensions of a tragedy. We have both become drama queens. Why am I in this situation right now? Why is life so fucking fucked up? Why do other people have an easy and carefree life and I don’t?

Today at the Gardens, I talked to so many strangers to help them around and point out things to them. My life, for the most part, is just talking to strangers. When you want someone that isn’t a stranger to talk to, where are they? I am talking about a woman. That has a romantic interest in me. How can this planet be full of more women than men and I am having a problem finding someone? It doesn’t make any sense. Especially since I am around people all the time. Where are all the people my age? They are all in relationships or the type of people that don’t really want to be in a relationship. All the young people are scared of you because you are older than them. Then you have to factor in racism, discrimination against my height and the fact that I’m not a stupid drunk. And being friend zoned because you are ‘nice’. Final result? No women around you.

I was thinking about someone today that just has bad luck all the time. Bad things happen to them and the people around them. What have they done to deserve this merciless fate? Some people’s lives are just suffering. What problems do I have in my life? Helen and her no. The personal problems I won’t write here. The plastic is falling off my headphones and it got all over my chest and my shirt and scarf. It gets in my hair and on my face and on my ears. But am I the type of person that will throw away some perfectly good headphones because of that? No. Because I am not a wasteful person. I will have to make do with them.

As you can see from the photographs above, I went to the V & A Late after the stuff I did in the Gardens today. The music was amazing and I was watching a performer dancing. As soon as a woman starts dancing, you are mesmerised. I was looking at her bare stomach and her face as she twirled around and gyrated on the floor. The body in motion. The body becoming a system of signs and music. When they dance or sing, you become theirs. Before, you wouldn’t even look at them. It is well – they like dancing. It’s one of the occasions where they can let all their repression out.

Some woman sat down on the tube at an angle to face me instead of looking forwards. She was uncomfortably and directly pointed at me. I’ve actually mentioned before that it sometimes gets on my nerves that everyone around me acts like I am good looking all the time and I am still having trouble finding someone that likes me and that I like back.

Holiday Day 2: Art History Study; The Substitution of the Loved One; Arianna Grande’s Love; This Society of Love

13.03.2024

Heart face in the middle. My initials worked into the top right hand corner.

Jams of the moment: Ghost in the Shell soundtrack (amazing, nostalgic, an amazing movie).

Holiday Day 2. I have been so rushed and distracted by things – you know what – that I ended up at work by mistake. Luckily, it is near the British Museum so I just went down there first thing in the morning. And I saw the Legion exhibition about the Roman soldiers and what life was like for them. It was fairly interesting. It was probably for the best that I thought that I was going into work. Because otherwise, I wouldn’t have been able to get out of bed probably. That is the hangover that I am trying to beat from everything that has happened. It is probably based on the fact that my grandmother needed sleep and then I needed sleep and now Helen seems to be unable to sleep if I am correct in my deductions – so the unconscious – which mirrors these women – won’t let me get out of bed. Before I managed to get in, I was waiting in the big queue outside dancing to some music on my headphones. Little dance moves, little slight ones, subtle. Just to see if anyone would notice. No one did.

The question they have asked for the art history assignment this time is actually quite hard. Actually, this term, all of the questions have been quite difficult in my opinion. It wasn’t easy getting going on it at all knowing that you have to score for a distinction at the same time. And this is an undergraduate degree. You’ve got to be pretty smart to do a humanities degree. The amount of stuff you have to learn and approach creatively through the interpretation of the artwork is a lot. And then, when you get the degree, what use will it really be? I need the degree for my own interests and to develop as an artist and observer and a writer. Will it be any good professionally? I am already a Virtual Curator for a Japanese art gallery – they posted one of my social media posts today with a good reception. So I am already doing the work. But will I get rewarded for it? That is another question entirely.

Psychoanalysis says that your first indoctrination in love is through your mother and your father. For boys, the story is simple. You love your mother first. You learn to love her. However, the nature of the love is not so simple. Because, first, you are your mother. You are in her. Then, afterwards, you mirror her voice, her gestures, her behaviour to you. That’s how you learn to love. But then, something happens. So you realise that you can’t return your mother’s love to you. So, you have to find a substitute – the incest taboo. But this substitute is usually modelled on what your mother is like – so you don’t escape the clutches of love. The substitute is actually a clone. What has happened in my life is that – so far as I can understand the situation – Helen and me have communication problems, I find it hard to give up, I don’t know anything about these women and how they act or think – I have to find a substitute for Helen who was a substitute for the original love, my mother. The conclusion? The only real love you get is from your mother and you can’t return that one. All the other loves you go for in your life are fakes. You are going for the false article. Like I have often said before, life is a bad joke at everyone’s expense.

As I was listening to the new Arianne Grande album, I thought to myself that here is a woman singing about love that would never even give me a second look. Of course she wouldn’t. Ordinary women that haven’t achieved anything particularly spectacular in their lives won’t go out with you because, for some reason, they think that they are better than you. So what would she be like? She has achieved superstardom, recognition, has a good body of work behind her, can buy whatever she wants, has people falling in love with her and at her feet all over the world. And the ordinary women? On social media and dating apps, they are all stars now with all the men following them and hungering after them. As I often say, each of them has about thirty or forty people after them all the time, maybe even more. Why would they look at you if you are Asian, different, short, in your early forties, academic, doesn’t drink, etc. ?

This is the type of society you live in. And you want to know something? Those women that are on those dating apps are exactly the sort of women around me that won’t go out with someone like me that they know in real life. The grass is always greener on the other side for them. That’s why they are on those dating apps. That’s this society.

More women’s behaviour. Some woman got on the bus with her friends and stared at me all the way she walked down towards me. She walked right up to me, invading my personal space, and then swivelled round and turned her back to me suddenly for no apparent reason. So that I could stare at the back of her body and her hair. The only reason I looked at her was because she was staring at me. That’s women’s behaviour for you. I don’t even try to understand what they are doing nowadays. But I did wonder if they do that with everyone or if it is just me in particular.

More interest from another Indian woman. Again, with a top career. Again, not my type. The physical attraction is not there. What have all these Indian women been doing all their lives that they don’t have someone with them? I wasn’t allowed to date and I was doing a PhD so I didn’t have any earnings coming in. They have literally been working since graduation and they weren’t raised like me in isolation from the community. They were allowed to date. They were allowed to do whatever they wanted. Why have they waited until there will likely be medical complications and birth risks for the children before they have started looking for someone? More women’s behaviour. Let me tell you though, I am not going for someone my same age. Because that is a risk I am not going to take. They have to be younger than me, at least eight or nine years. To avoid the medical problems. Because it is not just the baby’s health that is at risk – it is the mother’s health and life as well.

The Wish for a Different Ending; The One Hope of Nicholas Cage; Olivia Rodrigo’s Pain; The Fight for Love; My Friend; Sedition

09.03.2024

There’s a theory in science. That what you don’t get in this world, you get in the multiverse. That the things that don’t happen in this world happen over there. Perhaps, in a different universe, The Tiger gets Helen. The Tiger gets his family and children. Desire is achieved. In this world, do you know what the reality is? The Tiger has spoken to Helen about four times in about six months.

There is a film with Nicholas Cage, one of the best actors. He can see into the future. He sees a woman that he likes. He runs through the scenario of approaching her in his mind. He fails every single time with every single play that he makes, even though he loves her at first sight. Then, finally, he finds out the only way to make her spend some time with him. He lets her boyfriend punch him in the face for no reason. So she runs to take care of him. I have been thinking about that scene over and over again. What does it mean? That there is one strategy that will work? That you have to punish yourself for love, become the victim of violence? You have to become a victim, you have to hurt? That love is an oppressive, malevolent force that causes you harm and suffering? That there is no love without pain? That women only love you and take care of you when you have become subject to a brutal force?

My friend suggested the wrong album to me. Olivia Rodrigo’s music albums are full of pain and heartbreak. It is stuff that I should have kept away from myself. It is the same problem. Not just about romantic love. But about the love that you get in the white supremacist society that we live in. They won’t love us. It doesn’t matter what we do or how much we love them. You never get the love back. There is no equality of love and there is no reciprocity of love. You will never be good enough for them. You can achieve everything in life, you can live the life of self-denial, social work, educate yourself, train your body, learn so many languages and things, become cultured, be honest, open, friendly. And still, it is never good enough for them. Of course, she is like me: a minority in a majority culture. And this stuff she is going through now as a young woman? Will it ever improve? Will we see the change in our lifetimes? The Tiger fights. He looks for the community of tigers. The answer is education against ignorance, hate and dishonour. The Tiger comes from the honour society and the society of love. He has been in the perfect society. And everything else is a degradation and a corruption of that love. That love that The Tiger cannot get in this society through persuasion, argument, reason, that love is what he fights for. The Tiger has dedicated his life to love and fought with (and for) everyone for it. Can you get the love that you fight for? Is it possible? We live in our dreams. We move in our dreams. Without the dream, life would be over.

My friendship for my new friend is growing. I like her more and more. I look forward to seeing her and talking to her. She gives you attention and affection. When you need it badly.

I enjoyed giving the tours again today. Because the theme is women, the women are more interested in the tours than the men that they are with. I have been interested in feminism since I heard about it, so I could learn from it for my community. This tour would have interested me quite a lot. I am still learning about feminism. It has to be a feminism which fights against power. Where it is tainted by the love of power and fascism, it is not feminism. It is where it supports the state that it is not feminism, but evil. Anarchy. Anarchy is the one solution. Total rebellion. Total sedition.

The Babysitter; Indian Blood Composition; How Other People See My Job; Researchers at the Museum; Women’s Feet and Body Language

07.03.2024

Some babysitter came into that context two days in a row, yesterday and today. She looked familiar so I asked her today if she had been before. She got annoyed that I couldn’t remember her from yesterday. Do you know why I couldn’t recognise her? Because she had taken off her coat which she was wearing yesterday. Why was she getting annoyed at me? It doesn’t surprise me. Women are angry at me all the time. Did I want to go into the fact that I can’t recognise them when they change their appearance? No. What was the point? I didn’t even talk to her yesterday and she was annoyed at me for not recognising her.

The likeliest outcome is that I am never going to be with Helen. One day, a few years from now, Helen may look back at this episode in her life when I was in it. She won’t regret not giving me any love back. She will probably wonder why she read my diary every night (because she is getting love for free without having to do anything for it, whereas I am having to suffer for love without getting anything out of it). Because by then, most likely – she might even be with someone now – she will be with someone. Whatever issue she has now will have been resolved. The only person that is going to have any regrets is me. That I didn’t get her. That I loved someone that didn’t love me back. Again. Sometimes, I wonder if there is something really wrong with me. Why has this happened three times? Do I just unconsciously go for people that are going to disappoint me and hurt me? Am I a secret masochist?

Actually, the main feeling I had when Helen said no the first time – aside from disappointment and despair – was shock. I literally couldn’t believe that she was saying no. How can you be so mistaken about someone and how they are acting and talking? But such is life. Such are the relationships between men and women. Such is the unconscious. The unconscious seems to love pain. It revels in it. It likes to punish me.

I read an article that Indian people probably come from Iran and that we have a lot of Neanderthal variety genes in us from mating with them extensively – more than in other countries (90% of all known Neanderthal genes). They’re trying to guess why.

It’s probably because we are attracted to difference and because we are the most cosmopolitan, inclusive and diverse people. We accept people’s differences and still see them as ourselves. We have been taught that everyone has their own path to truth. In my family, everyone has had a mixed religion marriage going back two generations:

Grandfather: Guru Ravidassia, Grandmother: Sikh

Father: Guru Ravidassia, Mother: Hindu

All these Western people boasting about their cultural diversity when they won’t give you the important things because of your ethnicity… Indian people are the ones that are truly diverse. From prehistoric times. In Hinduism, we accept that each has his or her own gods that they worship. We celebrate the religions of other people. We greet them in their languages. It is our way of life. At least, in my family and in my background. The modern people that have been corrupted by colonisation and the Western state are just as bad as the racists and hypocrites, if not worse. The life we live is the old way of life. The way of life that has endured.

Sometimes, when someone with a PhD comes into the museum, I tell them that I have a PhD as well. And then, you know what the response is? They ask me what I am doing working in the museum. That’s what other people think about my job. They look down on it. Actually, my job suits me. And I don’t care what academic people think about me. Do you know what I think about them? Academic people – for the most part – are a bunch of snobs. They are ill mannered, cold and distant. They are selfish. They are always too busy for you. They are not my type of people. There are some good ones. But the lifestyle makes even them distant, because they have so much work piled onto them. They usually come from the white, middle class and have been privileged their whole life.

A bunch of researchers at the museum that I interacted with today. It was like being a graduate student in the university again, listening to other people’s research. I listened to their projects. I can understand why they are studying those things. However, it was stuff that I wouldn’t have studied myself. It is very rare that someone does something that interests me personally. I mean, I could see what the importance of their topics was. But to spend years and years on that stuff is a different matter entirely. I go for the biggest and most challenging topics. I am ambitious. Things that people have never thought of before. Things that no one has ever discovered before. I know a lot. I keep it to myself. Why should I share it if I am not going to be rewarded and recognised for it? The mass of people on this planet are ignorant. They are not going to thank you for finding things out. They will go on being ignorant. Why should I kill myself for the ignorant and those that misunderstand everything that you write? I gave up my projects for a family. For some heirs that I can pass my knowledge on to. Now it is the time to find someone that is not selfish and ignorant so that I can have that family.

There was a very beautiful woman on the Tube today. Our eyes locked as she boarded the train, beautiful blue eyes. She made her way in and suddenly, a few stops later, I noticed her foot. It was pointed directly at me, although she was seemingly immersed in her phone. She kept it pointed at me the whole way on the journey when there was no other rational explanation for why it was pointed at me when it could have just been pointed anywhere. In terms of body language, if a woman points a foot at you, it usually means she is thinking about you. And is possibly attracted to you. Do you want to know something weird? Women are always pointing their feet at me. Even when it is really awkward. I have tried some of the poses myself. Some of them actually hurt. Like when they are standing right next to me in a group of people and they turn their feet at right angles to point at me. I was watching someone the other day. The foot started off pointing at someone else, but eventually it kept on moving in my direction and ended up pointing at me. She does it every single time. And then, to prove that I was right, she looked at me first right after she finished talking. People reading my blog probably think I am really vain and conceited. I am not. It is literally just a fact that people tell me that I am good looking all the time, not just family members. I can see what I look like in photographs. Indian women with much higher paid and high status jobs than me like my profile on dating apps because of my looks. Why else? And I can see women pointing their feet at me all the time and sneaking looks at me on the Tube. I am not boasting about it. It is just a fact. Someone at one of the places I am at told me that the reason none of the women that come in ever complain to me about anything about the place is because of the way that I look. She said it was because of my eyes. She reminded me that they are just seeing me for the first time. And yet, despite that, I am having to look around for a woman. Because the only ones I am attracted to are not attracted to me. Or if they are, they won’t do anything about it or give me an opportunity. A woman’s unconscious is full of desire for you. But their conscious won’t let them do anything about it.

That is the difference in life. If I was physically attracted to someone, I would give them a chance to prove themselves. It wouldn’t matter if they were different to me. Because I come from the old Indian culture and we accept and compromise. Do you think Helen is the same as me? She is not. We argued a lot about things (Girl 2 pretended she was exactly the same as me – I won’t go into details). It doesn’t matter. Because you don’t have to be a clone of someone to be with them. And if you were, that would be boring.

Suneel’s Holiday: The Sleepless Night of the Lover; The Lover’s Hope; Juliet’s Game of Death; Two Opposing Views from Friends; Total Workout; Will vs. Mind, Dream vs. Capacity

05.03.2024

At one with beauty. Free cakes and a drink here. Guess where?

She cannot see where I am. If only she shared my eyes… I cannot see her world. If only I could learn to imagine.

I could kiss her goodbye to me

I could caress the words of her speech

a sweet bird that sings flies from her throat

and wild honey falls from her tongue and lips

There is a pattern. When I check to see if she has read my diary in the night before I sleep. If she has read it, then I can sleep an unbroken sleep. And then, if I have not seen that she has read it, I wake up several times in the night and then I have to check the statistics to see if she has read it yet. It has to be her reading. If I found it wasn’t her and I was wrong… That feeling of closeness when I am writing to her. It is like having her in my arms. In this one world of writing, she is with me. What if someone took that away from me?

Yesterday, before I fell asleep, she had not read the diary. It was about 11. 30 pm. So I woke up at three o’clock in the morning, restless to see if we had been one in the writing. And then, I could not sleep. Now it is 8pm. It has been a seventeen hour day after about three hours sleep.

When I dragged myself out of bed, I did all the exercises, meditation and chi building exercises. I went to volunteering in the morning and we got quite a lot done. It was a very productive session. But there will be a break for about a month. So I will miss talking to a good friend and a good person. But what that means is that I can work on things in my own time, more conveniently without the commute there and back.

Over there was one of my favourite friends, one of the loveliest and kindest women in the world. And others that I feel close to. I got free cake and apple juice too and networked with a friend in a different department, another very friendly young woman.

I said my goodbyes and exited fairly quickly because I had to meet up with my friend in my local area, a huge park with a lake in it. While I walked over there after the rain in the mud, I phoned up my friend who had just recovered from the operation. I mentioned to them that I had met her recently again and spoken to her. I got two opposing pieces of advice from my two friends. The man said that I should forget about her. That nothing was ever going to happen. She had made up her mind. The woman told me that one of her friends had been proposed to two times and rejected before the woman finally accepted. She told me that a woman knows a woman and that persistence pays off. Who is right out of those two? The woman told me what I wanted to hear. The man told me what I rationally think. Do you know what the lover’s hope is? It is the most precious thing in the entire world. To one day be with her. To one day love her and have love back from her. In the myth, when all the suffering of the world came out of Dora’s box, hope was the one remedy for all ills. Of course, I know that I am not proposing to her. I have been rejected even for a trial, for the first baby steps. It is completely different. Your women friends don’t want you to be hurt. They will protect you from reality with their soothing words, even if they don’t really believe them themselves. Nobody wants to see someone that they are friends with suffering.

The misunderstanding between Romeo and Juliet takes place over Juliet’s silence and her pretence of death, a symbolic way of saying that she has separated herself from her Romeo. Her acting out of separation confuses Romeo. The fact that she maintains silence confuses Romeo. He makes the wrong move. He gives up. He thinks that the love is impossible. When it is possible. This is the gulf of misunderstanding between a man and a woman, a lover and a lover. You can even misunderstand the ones you love more than your life. Because there is something in women, something in their love, something that they want to express without words, by playing dead, by feigning complete separation from the ones that love them. And then, how can you play the right move in that situation? The game might be beautiful, but it is deadly. Because if you make the wrong move, like Romeo, you die. You are separated from the one you love forever. Somehow, Juliet has to talk. And somehow, it has to be worked out if Juliet is just feigning separation.

Work upon work has piled up. Three hours sleep and a seventeen hour day is not conducive to productivity. I managed to get a bit done but it was with a lot of force. Writing is something that requires relaxation. Where is relaxation in my life? I am involved in almost everything that goes on everywhere I am in some way or the other. People all around me are asking for time and attention. Assignment deadlines are coming up. The assessment at the gardens is coming up. Everything is saying go for Helen. With everything that you have got. But I am not allowed to go for Helen. I am constrained by the situation. And by Helen herself. If she hadn’t said what she had said, I would have forgotten about everything else and I would have manned up and tried again. You have to respect a woman’s choice. So the will is being defeated by the capacity. I want to save the world. To do that, you have to do the hard work. I am going to have to wake up early in the morning and try again. Because when you fall down, you are expected to get back up again. You are expected to be a man, no matter what. From the culture and background that I come from, if the man does not get back up again, the whole family will starve. They will die or live lives of suffering and hardship. There are people that are depending on you. There are people that expect. They expect you to be the Tiger. They expect you to be the Man. The Machine. Whatever the situation. My name Suneel means God. If God cannot exert his will in the universe, who can? So tomorrow it shall be done. It has to be done tomorrow. I have promised it for tomorrow now. Tomorrow, all the energy will come back again, the power of God that is within me. The strength is within you. All you have to do is find it. Writing is your ambition, your desire, the meaning in your life, your first love. Everything else in the world you can abandon, not your love. And if you don’t do your ideals, they die with you. There is the planet and humanity to save. Fighting is your destiny.

Rest for two hours before sleep. And then get up and wield the axe again. And swing it so that it hits the target. You are a warrior. Act like one. You are a fighter. Fight. Your head has to be held up high for everyone in your community. Make sure it is held up high. The war is still on. Without the warrior, the war would be won by those that do not deserve to win. History is on our side. We are going to vanquish our enemies and win the love of the world. Satyemeva jayate: In the end, only the truth alone will triumph.

Saturday Rest; Psychological Problems; No March Holiday; Breakdown Everywhere

02.03.2024

Helped two people after work today. So many people in life now. Lots of people reading my blog today. I always wonder why. Why on a Saturday?

If the one after Helen had just gone out with me when I asked her a few months ago (Girl 3), probably all my problems would have been over by now. Because I would have been concentrating on her. Your life is conditioned by rejection. Rejection is the biggest thing in life. If Helen (Girl 1) hadn’t rejected me, I wouldn’t have even looked at Girl 2 and she wouldn’t have done what she did and ultimately rejected me either. And then, I could have had some psychological normality and all this weird stuff wouldn’t be happening right now. But you can’t predict what will happen in life. Sometimes, when you take a risk, you don’t get a big cost. Sometimes, you do get a big cost. Right now, Helen and Girl 3 are frenemies with me. So? I had to ask. I would rather know and not sneak around hiding the fact that I wanted to go out with them. Even if it ruins things. I don’t need more women friends. I have enough already. What I need is not a friend. And I am allowed to ask. There is no law against it. It is in the rules. If you ask someone after six months of knowing them because you have developed feelings for them, no one should judge you on it (even though they do – so what? People judge you in this society for the colour of your skin. If they are going to judge you for being a healthy, red-blooded man with natural instincts, then they are wrong).

I just went straight from work to home on this Saturday. At home, you don’t have to be surrounded by people all the time and you can finally be all alone – your true state in life. The honest state. I wanted to get home as early as possible. The train was delayed by fifteen minutes because of issues with the doors while in service so I lost that time. When I popped into the store on the way home to get something, I made it to the self-service to do everything quickly and not have to put up with the bad service you get there. The self-service malfunctioned. By that time, someone else had got in front of me. I lost three minutes there of my time. When I got home, there were problems getting the food ready. Another ten minutes lost there. Western society boasts about its industrialisation and technological prowess. Yet, nothing ever works to a satisfactory level. As with its myth of ‘independence’, the technological superiority myth is also bullshit. Who believes it? Just the western people when they are being racist to other countries, cultures and people (i.e. all the time).

All these psychological problems I’m having at the moment are fucking ridiculous. The unconscious is a fucking clown and drama queen. It won’t stop mirroring her and accept the reality principle. It wants to be a patient and a basket case. I’m not going to let it win. At the moment, mood is down and libido is low. Other people on the tube and street were getting on my last nerves. Have you ever read the chapter of Anna Karenina by Tolstoy when her love affair is over? That is the feeling. There is no viewer for the symptoms that knows what is happening. It is like the unconscious mind just wants to have bad jokes at the expense of the body. Why is this happening now? When stuff like this didn’t happen to me before? What has gone wrong? It is the illness from before. You don’t recover. You just have to stop everything getting worse so that you can keep on performing. Because of the similar situation – rejection, over and over again. Because I can go into work and perform, in everyone’s eyes I am fine. That is what you are judged on in this society in terms of health.

The holiday for the end of March was all booked off in the diary. I can’t get away somewhere like I was planning to. I’m going to have to book some for April instead if I can get that. I will have to check on Monday. Where should I go to? Athens? Rome? Scotland? Ireland? Versailles? I have never been to any of those places that are fairly nearby. Or should I book any holiday at all? I can just go to places in London on my days off. There are plenty of places that I haven’t been to. I can start up my photography hobby again and lug my laptop around with me so that I can sit in cafés with the internet and do research and writing. I don’t expect I will meet anyone. Nothing interesting will happen. It will just be sight seeing and some new locales. Do I really want to go? Just to get a bit of a change? Or do I want to sit around on my computer and with my books at my desk learning stuff? Non-work related stuff? Maybe I should take some weeks off later in the year and do the really big holidays that I was saving for when I met someone – the really expensive ones: China and Japan. Just do it by myself.

The Irritation of Repetition; The Way of the Fool on the Street; The Life of Passion; Seeing My Name in Art; Matches; The Grieving Period

21.02.2024

The phrase I keep on thinking about is ‘All who wander are not lost’. It is a phrase by Tolkien in a poem. I wander. I am lost. But how lost am I? And why is the wandering of others not seen as being lost? I wander because I have a direction. But yet, I am still lost in this world. I lose myself. I lose others. There is confusion everywhere, the intoxication of the senses. How can anyone find themselves in this world? How can you find yourself when you cannot find love?

I wrote this email and gifted someone my book today:

I’m just writing in a whimsical gesture of generosity and, I’m afraid to say, egotism. Particularly because I have been out of the academic game for a number of years now when it used to be an obsession. Academia.edu sent me a message saying you were looking at my book. So please find attached the PDF copy of the published work in case of interest. I hope you enjoy reading if you get around to it.

Take care and keep on enjoying the critical adventure of the study of legality.

Best,

Dr. SM

For some reason, nobody was listening to anything I was saying today. I had to keep on repeating the same basic information over and over again. It wasn’t just me. I noticed other people had the same problem. Was it the weather? In fact, I have been doing this my whole life. You can’t rely on the intelligence and understanding of other people. Or their memory. Or their communication skills. It is irritating, but what can you do? People are busy, stressed out, preoccupied with a million problems.

As I walked down the moving stairs at the tube station quickly, to ensure that I got home as quickly as possible, the same thing happened that always happened. As soon as the fool on the street senses that you are trying to walk past them – they might have been standing still for the last two minutes – they step into your way suddenly. The fool on the street can’t ever allow you to walk past them. They always impose themselves on you and stand in your way. In life, hardly anyone ever eases your way. But they can stand in your way. You’re probably thinking that what I’m saying is ridiculous. How could they have sensed me coming? Of course they did. They can hear. The unconscious can pick up a thousand cues. They can see out of the corners of their eyes. Their unconscious response is just to get in the way. That fool on the moving stairs stood there for about two minutes before he sensed me coming, absolutely stock still. As soon as I was literally just right next to him, that’s when he felt he had to move. It is always the same story. Shows you what human nature really is.

People say they are passionate. They work for passion. They are in a field that they feel passionate about. They say they are into art. They read no books about art after their degrees. They demonstrate no passion in the artwork around them. You ask them about exhibitions and galleries – they do not go. The life of passion appears to finish with the end of a degree. But for me, passion is everything. When you are passionate about something, you follow it through. You keep on discovering. You have an insatiable curiosity to know and think about your passions. When will I find someone with the strength and stubbornness of passion that I have? I am an intense person – when will I find someone with the same intensity as myself? Is it possible?

After work, I made a few applications. I have to go where the people that are like me are. I am still looking. Then, I read some newspapers and poetry in Hindi, Punjabi and Urdu. Because reading in the Indian languages I know makes me feel good about myself, because I taught myself those scripts and how to read them in my mid-thirties with no help from anyone, just books. It is the biggest personal achievement I have. I read some quotations – they have been amongst my favourite reading since sixth form, when I used to sit in the library at lunchtimes and read them. Because I have always wanted to be a writer and to turn a fine phrase, to play with language. What was the conversation of the other students compared to that? Then, finally, I looked at artwork by Erté in the artbook I purchased last year. There was one image with a lady with a gown made out of lettering – it had the initials I use for myself on it: SM (my real initials are SSM). It was nice to see my name through his eyes, on the gown of this woman. It is nice to see yourself in art.

When is the grieving period going to be over? This separation has been the mourning of death. In this period, I had to re-mourn the loss of my grandmother who I lived with in a quasi-marriage. Because of the incidental detail that the last one smoked and my grandmother died of lung cancer (should have been a deal-breaker – unfortunately, I was too tempted by all the other stuff and I thought I would be able to make her stop and save her health, save her life. It was a chance of redemption – because I was living with my grandmother as her protector because she couldn’t sleep in the nights without a man in the house). And then, the other one and the no. And now, there is the risky operation of my friend. Whenever you make friends with a woman and your friendship gets more involved, you are always risking the entry into the world of the dead and of hell, the hell on earth that is your lot.

In dating news, I have started matching with women much more since I have joined other dating apps about two days ago. These women actually look real. Tinder is full of glamorous women – the type I am most attracted to. But it isn’t proving to be particularly successful. Those other apps – where the women don’t know how to pose for a good photograph and take a good photograph – those women are more into me. Maybe I am not glamorous enough for these glamorous women. Even though professional photographers have told me that I am photogenic.

I was thinking about going out to meet women. Then I remembered that – when I am talking – I don’t like loud noise, seeing people drinking themselves silly and I don’t like other people interrupting my conversation with someone.

A Judgement on Love

19.02.2024

Someone called me on 5 pm on Valentine’s Day from a private number. I was at work so I didn’t pick up. No message. No idea who it was. Was someone thinking about me? Trying to connect?

I have been writing this diary hoping she will read it since September. Now, it turns out, she reads it every night. What has actually happened in that time? Nothing. What is the point of this diary? Why is she reading it? She has known me for six months from before, a bit in the middle, say a couple of months, and then these four months through this diary. How much does she know me now? More than most people. And where is all this going? Nowhere. What is happening in my life? It is all a big mystery with the air of a colossal hoax. Someone, somewhere is hoaxing me. Is this supposed to be real life? Why is everything always so fucking weird?

I will tell you something. Today I was talking to a woman that I once liked. I used to go to that context for her as a main motivation. Then, she got a boyfriend before I had the chance to make a move. So I lost interest in that place. I have only recently started going back. I didn’t love her – I liked her. There is a big difference. Today she started talking about her boyfriend by herself. I didn’t prompt her. I don’t want to know. And you know what? She is going out with someone that is a student and doesn’t even have a job. No woman even looked at me when I was a student. They walked away from you when they found out you were a student. That is the difference: if you are Asian or an ethnic minority, every excuse will count against you. If you are white, nothing matters and will stand in the way. There is always an excuse for not going out with you if you are Asian. These women don’t realise how racist they actually are. Maybe in their heads they even believe in their excuses not to go out with you. Every stage of my life, there has always been an excuse against me. They did a study in America: non Asian women were most likely to go out with Asian men when they were rich. You have to work extra hard to get a woman if you are Asian. That is what it is like. It is just like work. You get the job with a degree that the white people get with ‘A’ Levels. Your PhD puts you on the same level as someone with nothing. That’s the fairness of this country which says that you should copy the white people.

I joined a new dating app which shows you what women are looking at your profile. In less than 24 hours, ten women looked at my profile. They are looking at me because I am handsome to some women. I see it on the Tube or in public all the time – yesterday a woman blatantly stared at me on the Tube when I walked up the stairs and it was me that had to look away. However, none of them ever like the profile. It doesn’t matter what you write. Is it the fact that I am short? Is it the fact that I am Asian? Is my job not good enough? Who knows what they are even looking at. What excuse they are making to themselves not to connect when they are clearly physically attracted to me and interested in the way that I look.

When you are away from women, you lose interest in them. You think about things rationally. It is all too difficult. They have made it too difficult for you because you are Asian. You have to do way too much. It is unfair. However, when you are near a woman, you can’t think rationally any more. Something interrupts. It is what psychology calls a cold state and a hot state. When you are away from women, you are in a cold state. You can be rational. When you are near them, you are in a hot state. You think with emotion and feelings. You become irrational. That is their power over you. I honestly should just give up. If it wasn’t for that dream of love… The thing is, they do make you really happy when they do. No one can deny it. But the problem is that they won’t let you keep that happiness. There is always something. They turn you from being happy to being sad. Can you really do all these things for someone that can’t even give you some happiness in this world? Is it really worth it?

The Consolations of Being Single

25.06.17

In one of the pages of Mrs. Oliphant’s long and incredibly boring novel, Miss Marjoribanks, the unlikeable heroine consoles herself. She is astonished that she has not received many offers for engagement. As a result, she dwells on the stupidity of men and their lack of discernment. It is a commonplace of the singleton to console themselves in such a manner. There is the narcissistic contempt of members of the preferred sex which validates one’s own existence. Can these people not see that I, too, am worthy of love? They are blind and ignorant.

I want to update the narcissistic contempt of the singleton for our own times in my own words as a singleton. It has been many years since that rambling Victorian novel has been written. How do singletons console themselves now? Here is a little list of arguments.

1. I’m happy that I didn’t settle.

As I watch the couples around me, I am often amazed at how they can be attracted to one another. Not only do I find the females unattractive, but I also can’t understand what the women see in the men. To my mind, these people have settled. Clearly, my assessments are based on physical beauty, and so what? I don’t believe this is superficial. The same people that prefer shared interests in a partner are more superficial with their blind conformism. Those who talk about “personality” and the cult of the individual also avoid the reality that most people in our society are fundamentally the same underneath everything. I, the singleton, can still pursue beauty and the dream of beauty. Although I have forgiven women in the past for not being what I have dreamed of them, I can, as a singleton, worship the goddess without any guilt or pangs of conscience.

2. I’m happy that I didn’t have to change myself for somebody and I don’t have to do what I don’t want to do.

One watches the slow tussle for control in the relationships around oneself. The woman has to change herself for the man and the man has to change himself for the woman. This is despite the fact that the change that is being asked for is completely unreasonable. In putting themselves into the shackles of a monogamous relationship, the people in a relationship have to become different people. Thus they have to do what they don’t want to do almost all of the time. An obvious example yesterday was in the shopping centre and seeing the bored look on the faces of the men while the women looked through handbags and shoes. In a relationship, you have to talk about things that you don’t want to talk about and feign interest in them. You have to go places you don’t want to go and eat food that you don’t want to eat. You have to spend money on things that you don’t want. The singleton has something which someone doesn’t have in a relationship: independence and freedom. No relationship responsibilities outside of the family. You don’t have to pretend to be someone else.

3. I don’t have to put up with the family (and friends) of the woman.

When one has been in a family one’s whole life and has never had a break from being in a family, the one thing that one doesn’t want is another larger family. Especially one composed of older people telling one what to do all the time. One also doesn’t have to make friends with a bunch of strangers that one’s partner knows, even if one secretly dislikes them.

4. I don’t have the burden of keeping secrets from the other person.

In life, one learns very early on that you cannot tell other people everything that you think. It can be very destructive to say what one’s honest opinion is in our society as people hate the truth. Being out of a relationship, one doesn’t have to incessantly lie all the time to the other person. The stress of lying is therefore avoided, as is the responsibility to be always cheerful.

5. I keep my personal space.

I don’t have to share activities with someone all the time and can pursue my activities in solitude without any disturbance.

6. I don’t have to feel the hurt in a relationship.

The less said about how painful a relationship can be with arguments and suchlike, the better. It is a horrible experience.

There are possibly other arguments. The general drift of my arguments obeys the rules of narcissistic contempt for others that do not give me love. Only so much has changed from the days of the Victorians.