22.03.2024
Even the people that read this diary probably think I should stop writing my thoughts about Helen. So what? In the same way I can’t force her to love me, she can’t stop me loving her, thinking about her and writing about her. When she stops reading, I will stop writing. I feel it is her reading in the nights. What have I said about her that is untrue or mean or unfair and unjustified?
Was Helen jealous of that young, beautiful woman I kissed yesterday? Well if she was, that is how I feel when I think of her being with anyone else. Except, for me, it is much worse: nausea and choking. And she has no right to be jealous. Because it is her that has chosen. Not me. Her. If I had my choice, she would have been with me for the past year and we would be planning our family already.
What is the mental image that I have in my head of Helen? It was just after I hadn’t talked to her for several months because I had decided that I was never going to talk to her ever again. And then, I had had to change my approach. She was sitting there. I nodded at her. She lowered her head with her black eyes fixed on mine in an exaggerated and formal manner. There was something incredibly cautious about the way she was looking at me. Her eyes were wary. There was a wary line of tightness about her mouth. She was looking at me like a defenceless person would look at a dangerous predator. Sometimes, I think of that look and, honestly, I laugh to myself. Because this is just normal life and it has taken on the dimensions of a tragedy. We have both become drama queens. Why am I in this situation right now? Why is life so fucking fucked up? Why do other people have an easy and carefree life and I don’t?
Today at the Gardens, I talked to so many strangers to help them around and point out things to them. My life, for the most part, is just talking to strangers. When you want someone that isn’t a stranger to talk to, where are they? I am talking about a woman. That has a romantic interest in me. How can this planet be full of more women than men and I am having a problem finding someone? It doesn’t make any sense. Especially since I am around people all the time. Where are all the people my age? They are all in relationships or the type of people that don’t really want to be in a relationship. All the young people are scared of you because you are older than them. Then you have to factor in racism, discrimination against my height and the fact that I’m not a stupid drunk. And being friend zoned because you are ‘nice’. Final result? No women around you.
I was thinking about someone today that just has bad luck all the time. Bad things happen to them and the people around them. What have they done to deserve this merciless fate? Some people’s lives are just suffering. What problems do I have in my life? Helen and her no. The personal problems I won’t write here. The plastic is falling off my headphones and it got all over my chest and my shirt and scarf. It gets in my hair and on my face and on my ears. But am I the type of person that will throw away some perfectly good headphones because of that? No. Because I am not a wasteful person. I will have to make do with them.
As you can see from the photographs above, I went to the V & A Late after the stuff I did in the Gardens today. The music was amazing and I was watching a performer dancing. As soon as a woman starts dancing, you are mesmerised. I was looking at her bare stomach and her face as she twirled around and gyrated on the floor. The body in motion. The body becoming a system of signs and music. When they dance or sing, you become theirs. Before, you wouldn’t even look at them. It is well – they like dancing. It’s one of the occasions where they can let all their repression out.
Some woman sat down on the tube at an angle to face me instead of looking forwards. She was uncomfortably and directly pointed at me. I’ve actually mentioned before that it sometimes gets on my nerves that everyone around me acts like I am good looking all the time and I am still having trouble finding someone that likes me and that I like back.
diary of a lone man 