Rough Day

23.03.2024

Rough day. Life is beating me up. I feel like shit. I actually literally feel like I have taken a beating.

When I went home, I couldn’t even listen to my music on the commute home. There was a problem with the headphones. You can’t even drown out the world. So I closed my eyes and shut everyone out.

I had to call up my friend in the evening to talk to her so I could feel a bit better. The thing about her is that I know that she loves me, so she always makes me feel good about myself. Her voice is soothing, she is kind. Kindness and comfort. I comfort her – she is ill. We comfort each other.

She told me to sleep with the angels when she said goodbye.

So now, I feel a little better. But the awfulness of life is still striking at me.

The last chapter in the book on relationships that I read confirms my experiences about love. At first, you think that the person you love is going to make you happy. Then, you find out something. That they are going to make your life fucking miserable. You are going to suffer. It is mental torture.

A long time ago, someone in my family told me that I wasn’t right to have a relationship outside of an arranged marriage. I got sick from something that happened after something that happened with a woman and then after my grandparents died one after the other afterwards. People are scared that it is going to happen again. I was sick for a long time. She has told me that you don’t understand what the women here are like. She knows. They don’t think anything about torturing you and punishing you. Wrecking your whole life. They would kill you if they could. They are not like us where you are with someone for life no matter what.

But because I am a warrior, I don’t have fear. I know that she is right. And even though I know that she is right, I am still going ahead with my plan. Because when you have fought for love in your life and paid the terrible cost for it and for your freedom, you can’t go back. No matter how tempting it is or convenient.

I have decided that I am going to have those children at any cost and the mother for my children at any cost. Even if I have to risk my health for it.

If I can’t get the mother for the children, I am going to have to buy the children and then alienate everyone around me.

One time in my life, after the illness, I gave up on the dream of love. I decided that I was just going to live by myself as a bachelor. That was over several years. I wasted my early thirties moping over what had happened. Then, one day, I decided that I needed my children. The question is, whether I decided too late to have a mother for the children. That is what I am investigating at the moment.

I am tired of my relationships with a lot of the women in my life. I have to hear all of their problems and issues. And where I don’t get anything out of it, I have to help them and advise them about stuff and listen constructively. And all the while, they are treating you like some kind of non-man, like I am some type of woman that is literally invisible as a man for them. And you know what? There is nothing that I can do about it. I’m going to have to keep on giving them that help and advice while I am not getting what I want out of it. A relationship. A family and children.

I don’t think of myself as a nice guy. But other people do. And what that means in this culture – it’s true what they say – is that nice guys finish last. But what can I do to change my personality? I’m used to listening to what people say and taking care of them. In our culture, we value kindness. You are supposed to be kind to people and help them.

My friend told me about a guy that was after someone when she was young. He used to cycle miles and miles to see her. And she didn’t want him. But now, sixty years on, she thinks about that person sometimes. And she realises that he was goodness itself. He would have loved her properly and taken care of her. When you are young, you don’t realise who really loves you and the value of someone. Because for her, he was too earnest. He didn’t play the game. He wasn’t crafty. He didn’t hide his feelings and play hard to get. He was honest. They hate your honesty. They hate that you care about them. All my friends have told me the same thing. Pretend that you don’t care about them.

Well, this is life. Nothing helps. Nobody can help you. Destiny itself is against you.

I was in the Gardens the other day. When the artist Marianne North’s father died, her only companion in the world, she didn’t talk to anyone. Like me when my grandmother died. But then, one day, in her forties, she decided to challenge the conventional views of women at the time and she embarked on a worldwide adventure to paint plants. I was standing in her gallery amongst her paintings and I felt like crying. I didn’t. I know what she went through. And I made a mistake. I didn’t do what she did. I didn’t give up on the world and go to foreign countries. There is no place for me in this culture. There is no place for me in any culture. Anywhere I have gone, I have never belonged. Other people are not like me. I am different to everyone else. And when you are different, you suffer. There is nowhere for you. You never fit. I have a few close friends I can talk about things with. Because they think deeply. They are kind people. But there is no one to make my own world with, my family and children. I have looked in so many different places.

I just want to walk away from everyone and everything. But I can’t. I am chained to my life and my responsibilities. I daydream about being in jail away from everyone. Or in a mental asylum. Or on a cruise ship. Or living in a lighthouse or looking after a millionaire’s property. Somewhere where I am completely alone. I don’t have to talk to anyone in these conversations where you can’t have a private, personal conversation. I don’t have to talk to people who are never going to love you, that don’t value you, that can’t even see you as a man like they can see some stranger that they have known for just a couple of weeks. Where I don’t have to talk to someone who just thinks that you are never going to be good enough for them.