02.03.2024
Helped two people after work today. So many people in life now. Lots of people reading my blog today. I always wonder why. Why on a Saturday?
If the one after Helen had just gone out with me when I asked her a few months ago (Girl 3), probably all my problems would have been over by now. Because I would have been concentrating on her. Your life is conditioned by rejection. Rejection is the biggest thing in life. If Helen (Girl 1) hadn’t rejected me, I wouldn’t have even looked at Girl 2 and she wouldn’t have done what she did and ultimately rejected me either. And then, I could have had some psychological normality and all this weird stuff wouldn’t be happening right now. But you can’t predict what will happen in life. Sometimes, when you take a risk, you don’t get a big cost. Sometimes, you do get a big cost. Right now, Helen and Girl 3 are frenemies with me. So? I had to ask. I would rather know and not sneak around hiding the fact that I wanted to go out with them. Even if it ruins things. I don’t need more women friends. I have enough already. What I need is not a friend. And I am allowed to ask. There is no law against it. It is in the rules. If you ask someone after six months of knowing them because you have developed feelings for them, no one should judge you on it (even though they do – so what? People judge you in this society for the colour of your skin. If they are going to judge you for being a healthy, red-blooded man with natural instincts, then they are wrong).
I just went straight from work to home on this Saturday. At home, you don’t have to be surrounded by people all the time and you can finally be all alone – your true state in life. The honest state. I wanted to get home as early as possible. The train was delayed by fifteen minutes because of issues with the doors while in service so I lost that time. When I popped into the store on the way home to get something, I made it to the self-service to do everything quickly and not have to put up with the bad service you get there. The self-service malfunctioned. By that time, someone else had got in front of me. I lost three minutes there of my time. When I got home, there were problems getting the food ready. Another ten minutes lost there. Western society boasts about its industrialisation and technological prowess. Yet, nothing ever works to a satisfactory level. As with its myth of ‘independence’, the technological superiority myth is also bullshit. Who believes it? Just the western people when they are being racist to other countries, cultures and people (i.e. all the time).
All these psychological problems I’m having at the moment are fucking ridiculous. The unconscious is a fucking clown and drama queen. It won’t stop mirroring her and accept the reality principle. It wants to be a patient and a basket case. I’m not going to let it win. At the moment, mood is down and libido is low. Other people on the tube and street were getting on my last nerves. Have you ever read the chapter of Anna Karenina by Tolstoy when her love affair is over? That is the feeling. There is no viewer for the symptoms that knows what is happening. It is like the unconscious mind just wants to have bad jokes at the expense of the body. Why is this happening now? When stuff like this didn’t happen to me before? What has gone wrong? It is the illness from before. You don’t recover. You just have to stop everything getting worse so that you can keep on performing. Because of the similar situation – rejection, over and over again. Because I can go into work and perform, in everyone’s eyes I am fine. That is what you are judged on in this society in terms of health.
The holiday for the end of March was all booked off in the diary. I can’t get away somewhere like I was planning to. I’m going to have to book some for April instead if I can get that. I will have to check on Monday. Where should I go to? Athens? Rome? Scotland? Ireland? Versailles? I have never been to any of those places that are fairly nearby. Or should I book any holiday at all? I can just go to places in London on my days off. There are plenty of places that I haven’t been to. I can start up my photography hobby again and lug my laptop around with me so that I can sit in cafés with the internet and do research and writing. I don’t expect I will meet anyone. Nothing interesting will happen. It will just be sight seeing and some new locales. Do I really want to go? Just to get a bit of a change? Or do I want to sit around on my computer and with my books at my desk learning stuff? Non-work related stuff? Maybe I should take some weeks off later in the year and do the really big holidays that I was saving for when I met someone – the really expensive ones: China and Japan. Just do it by myself.
diary of a lone man 