A Rare Chill

25.11.2023

After quite a while, I had a whole morning and afternoon off (late shift booked for the night). As a result, I was in the rare position of having a day off. A rare chill.

Something happened yesterday. Something very unexpected. Something very promising. Not for the diary though. Before, I wrote the diary as a letter. Now, it is just a diary. The writing has changed. Now, I am not going to write about certain topics – because I don’t have to any more – they are no longer the only means of connection.

In the morning, I finally managed to get out of bed early and to do my normal exercise routine after meditation and chi building exercises. Unfortunately, as I finished on the exercise bike, just one minute before I was going to stop pedalling, the pedal came off. It took me about thirty minutes to fix it because the screw was just not going into the nut. However, although it wasted thirty minutes of my day – and time is precious – I felt quite satisfied that I knew how to fix things like that. I have done DIY throughout my life. I don’t like it. I’m not good at it. But I can still do it. That is something. If it is ever needed.

I had a full breakfast after quite a few days and then I spent the morning catching up with all of my friends. I had a conversation through WhatsApp with four people and then I started going through all of my planning and organisational tasks for my diary. I sorted out a group expedition to Christmas at Kew with one of my closest friends and his wife and son too. I was quite pleased with that because I thought no one was going to come on the tickets that I had booked and I would have had to offer it up at work when I know that people are busy and are not going to come probably.

My mother made me a full English breakfast – something I haven’t eaten in maybe half a decade. Sausages, baked beans and a mushroom, pepper, onion and tomato omelette. This was my second breakfast – I didn’t get four breakfasts like a hobbit, but still. A beautiful meal.

I finally managed to return the whole massive pile of 19 books I had taken out from the library. I have been so busy that I haven’t managed to dip into any of them. They were just lying there in my room, colonising all of the space. I really need to stop packing so many things into my days (but then, money is important for the project I’m working on). It was a massive logistical effort to get those books to the library – they were exceptionally heavy. However, as with all things, you can do whatever you put your mind to. I got to have a conversation with one of my library friends at the library as a reward.

Afterwards, I went down to one of the local high streets in my area and browsed the charity book shops. I managed to get a few books that I wanted, like ‘The Times History of the World’ and ‘The Private Life of Plants’. The latter one was an incredibly lucky purchase. I bargained the World History down by a pound. As I told the assistant, Indians bargain. It is our culture. I had bargained it down a bit more because it didn’t have a price, but then the lady said that the charity shop needed to reach certain targets. So I just gave them more money than they had offered me as a price. I am a reasonable person at the end of the day, not a selfish person that doesn’t listen and won’t bend.

When I got home, I spent time in the garden admiring the newly planted flowers and sipping a glass of Appletiser (100% apple juice, fizzy), which I had never drank in my life before. It was quite good. The sun was out. It was one of the first times I’ve actually had leisure to be in the garden. I went inside and I put my statues of the mother goddess Kali and Shiva in the prayer cabinet, alongside with my pictures of the mother goddess of wisdom and learning and of the one with the tiger – Durga the Invincible. All my three Indian religions I have been raised in are there on the cabinet now. And – the meaning of my life – Kali the Dark Mother, the destroyer of sin, the furious, the ferocious, the unstoppable, whose blood lust is unquenchable, the supreme warrior woman.

I finally cashed in the awards I have won and got myself a commemorative pen to celebrate my successes and achievements. I’m really excited about receiving the delivery in the post. The pen is palladium-coated and will look supremely beautiful. Just to hold it in my hands and to remember all of the unpaid work I put in to get that pen because I care and love my job will be a wonderful experience.

For late lunch, my mother is going to make me my favourite Indian food. And now, I am going to watch some Hindi music videos. It has been a perfect day, with perfect weather. I feel connected to all my friends. I feel like I have achieved all of the things I have really been putting off.

UPDATE: 00.28 AM 26.11.2023

KIND ACTS TODAY (outside of work):

• Lugged someone’s heavy suitcase for them up a flight of stairs at Liverpool Street and then down again.
• Bought someone a present.
• In the morning, I helped someone older that I know slightly with their research in a museum I am at by getting in touch with someone at the place they are interested in because I knew them.

I help everyone that I can even though people rarely help me, if at all. Actually, recently I was thinking about helping someone with something major. But you cannot help some people. And sometimes, you have to wonder how much time, effort and thinking you should invest in some people when you are not getting any kind of return.

The musicians at the event were Gina Birch and ‘This is the Kit’. The latter were literally amazing. It was one of the best performances I have ever been to. I worked with a nice guy too. He had been unlucky in love and was alone. It is difficult. He had a sad history behind him. No one looks at the history behind the unlucky ones. There is a reason it is so tough for them. That is the fairness of love.

I enjoyed a Marks and Spencer’s chocolate after quite a while before the shift started. A whole two pounds on a chocolate bar is a lot. But then, sometimes it is good to pamper yourself. After all, I have seen how the people around me just splash out money all the time on themselves because they have not been brought up in the culture of self denial and saving. I also managed to check out a cinematic experience at the venue, three of them in fact. Then, I read a book in the lounge about the black experience. The only people that can understand us and how the majority population treat us is the minority population in any country around the world.

Somehow, a pen has got caught in my favourite jacket. I have checked it several times – there are no holes. Every time I sense it, I feel uncomfortable. The solution is to undo the threads around the lining, but I am not going to do that. The pen is a little message that although I thought this was my lucky jacket and I was going to win in it, there is always a difficulty in these plans somewhere. Because people make those difficulties. Anyway, there is a fresh start. There is always hope, however much time, effort and thinking you invest and don’t get anything out of, there is always tomorrow. As Indians say, as long as you try, you cannot lose.